AIBU to find 'feel free to still go' rude and condescending?

[Crazystupididea]

Not sure if I’m just being over sensitive but my friend & I had arranged to go for a day out with our kids tomorrow. I messaged her to confirm the time we would meet and she replied back saying she had double booked but to ‘feel free to still go without her’

Am I the only one who finds it really rude and quite condescending when people say that?!?

Like I don’t need her permission to take my kids on a day out that I’ve already booked and paid for just because she’s bailed.

AIBU? Not the first time she’s done this so maybe I’m just being sensitive.

It is an inappropriate way to phrase it given the circumstances so yes, I would consider it rude and dismissive even if it wasn’t meant that way - and it would make the flaky behaviour even more annoying.

PIL went through a phase of using the phrase ‘that won’t work for me/us’ in an inappropriate way and now I absolutely cannot stand it. E.g. they asked me/us for a favour e.g. can you come round and help us tune a channel on the TV. Said yes, I can come up when I finish work at 4 pm…and you get ‘that won’t work for us as we watch bargain hunt then’ back. Thankfully they have stopped doing it now. I would put ‘feel free to’ in the same category…

With people like your flaky acquaintance I never agree to things just with them more in advance than that day - definitely nothing that requires tickets bought in advance. They firmly get put in the yeah I’ll do it if I still fancy it/am free on the actual day group.

Fair enough, it's a bit wordy but at least no one's getting offended.

Rearrange if you can. Or in this case, don't double book in the first place.

I would say "I'm so sorry, I've been a total dick and double booked. Do you think you can find someone else to go with you?"

In other words, I'd assume they'd still want to go until they told me otherwise.

ETA I can't remember double booking friends. I have occasionally forgotten a long standing medical appointment or similar when I've arranged a coffee with someone.

Posters here seem sure that OP's friend "has a better offer" but it might be something really boring. (going back to check op now)

The friend never wanted to go I reckon

Perhaps she sort of thought she might be up for it but not enough to put it in the diary. We may never know.

Ask her for her tickets to give to another friend. Only going to waster otherwise….

She's not a good friend, and the wording is terrible.

I wouldn't let someone down without a very good reason but if my child was ill for example I'd say something like "really hope you can still use your tickets and have a lovely time we are so sad to miss out,"

I don’t read it like that
but she should offer to pay and apologise

and nit do it again

some people are more casual about arrangements especially where kids are involved

Trying to make herself feel better after letting you down, not apologising and not even having the courtesy to let you know before you rang her.

That's crappy treatment from your friend OP, how disappointing for you. Did she even apologise?

I agree. It means "go ahead, you have my permission". It's a phrase you might use when someone asks if they may share your table in a cafe.

It's not a friendly, kind or polite thing to say when somebody is ducking out of an agreed trip/outing/playdate, especially where children's disappointment is involved.

Well you know your friend, is she normally condescending, is this a pattern of behaviour or is this a hastily written, badly worded text?

I wouldn’t make plans with someone who kept letting me down. She didn’t need to give you any permission, she needed to apologise for letting you down.

Well it says it’s not the first time she’s done this (ditching OP for a better offer) so I’d say it’s a pattern

I hate this unreliability in folk. Don't arrange anything with her again. I wouldn't bother saying anything.

Learn you lesson and don't book anything further with this flaky friend.

Absolutely awful: did she apologise?

obviously you are free to do what you want

Yes I agree ,I've had this but in a different context !

I'm another who's wondering why she chose to cancel you and not the other offer..
And ...when was she going to let you know ?

If someone said this to me, I would just think they mean to put it it on hold until they were available and to crack on. Would not be offended with either her words or the change of plan but then I don’t have time/energy to waste on this sort of drama! I would more likely just let the kids know x and x aren’t coming due to another engagement and we will do something extra as we have more flex to do something by ourselves. My kids are just as easy going as me!

Sorry I clicked you are being unreasonable accidentally. You are not.
Don’t like that she has double booked, don’t like that she hasn’t apologised, and think that “you-can-still-go-yourself” crapology is dismissive and indicative of a lack of respect.
Irrespective of your concerns about the potential effect on your kids, I’d drop all contact pronto.
Busy and breezy is how I would be around her from now on.

I think this could have been clumsily put when she may have meant that she hoped you still had a good day despite being let down. Maybe she was thinking you might cancel too in the hope of rebooking with her.

It was rude but may have been well-meant, if ignorantly expressed.

My DD was supposed to be meeting a friend at Legoland with both their families, at an agreed time. DD gets reduced price tickets and had sent them to her friend who called to say that she was running late. She eventually turned up after two hours and was annoyed that DD and her children had already been walking around. Did she really expect them to hang around waiting for her?

She was really annoyed with herself or her children