AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

And perhaps it is also dependent on how far people would have to travel to go to the funeral.

Yes! And my mother in law had never met my granny, and my aunts and uncles had met her a few times when I was a baby. It was a show of solidarity for the bereaved. And the Irish will almost always go to the wake of anyone they knew who died, just to pay their respects.

I was wondering the same. I'm Scottish and on Monday I'll be attending my BIL's aunt's funeral, with my mother. I only met her a couple of times, but have known my BIL for over 30 years now, and it would be odd for me to not to attend his aunt's funeral.

It massively depends on how well they knew your Mum doesn’t it? If you all socialised together and had Christmas dinner together for the last nine years and got on like a house on fire then yeah it’s a bit off. If they met a handful of times and exchanged pleasantries then it’s fair enough.

Why on earth would your in-laws go unless they personally knew the deceased?

DHs parents came to my mum’s funeral, despite having never met her. They wanted to support us. They’re from a community where that’s the done thing (although in that community they’d probably expect to know their kids in laws).

My in laws and my SIL came to my DMums funeral
And they just sent a text , that’s bloody insulting
My condolences to you 💐

Back to add - that I've attended the funerals of people I've never met - eg, a friend's parent, a colleagues wife. That's the norm here.

Hi OP, so sorry for your loss.
Im also wondering if you are Irish? I am but live in the UK and there’s a vast difference culturally when it comes to funerals. I know for a fact my family would make the journey to attend the funeral of my husbands parents but the same wouldn’t be reciprocated

Why didnt they attend? Did they know her?

On the face of it, i would expect them to. But if there were good reasons, that coukd be different.

YANBU my MIL would attend my parents funeral. Poor show from them. Sorry for your loss.

I guess it depends on culture but I don’t think your in laws should attend unless they were close to your mum. I lost my Nan recently (mums mum) and my dad attended even though him and my mum are no longer married, no one else from his family attended and I wouldn’t expect them too, my mum and dad were married a long time so there were some of his family members who knew her but not close enough to attend the funeral. Funerals tend to be close friends and family only.

I’m really surprised by many of these responses.

when my DF died (I was 31) my in-laws came to his funeral, in-fact my DFIL flew back from a work trip for it. We’re not massively close but it was a show of support.

similarly when my mother in law died, my mum, brother and his wife attended her funeral, as support for me and more so my husband.

I think showing support for the living is as much of a reason to attend a funeral as paying your respects to the dead.

i’m really sorry they let you down, and I’m so sorry you lost your mum x

My parents travelled for 3hrs to attend my FIL's funeral, they were not close but went to show support for my DH. I think it is a bit odd they didn't attend especially if they are local, we are English.

Because not everyone is of your culture?

Sorry for your loss of your mother x

I find a lot of these replies bizarre. You are not being unreasonable and of course they should have come to support you.

I’m Irish so would of course go to your Mother's funeral. I hope your in-laws at least reached out to you to sympathise.

Right thing to do!

Because its a decent thing to do

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Losing a parent is awful and it brings so much up. My FIL and SIL came to my Dad’s funeral and it meant a lot to me. I’ll always remember it and be grateful for the support. So I can absolutely understand your disappointment. Gently though as others have said there may be lots of reasons they didn’t attend that aren’t to do with how much they care about you. Some people are really uncomfortable with death - I’m not making excuses but it is true. They may also have worried about intruding. Though it sounds like they haven’t reached out or offered much support either which is really disappointing. My in laws have lost my MIL so do ‘get it’ which I think helps.

Your grief is still so fresh and anger is part of that. See how you feel as time passes.

In England I would say for the majority of people (unless they have Irish or Scottish heritage) if they were not close then no it would be seen as in appropriate. I knew someone a while ago who was offended that none of her friends offered to attend her mum's funeral with her. I just found it bizarre, in England it is generally really not the done thing. If someone who didn't know my mum offered to come to her funeral I would find it very strange and inappropriate and crossing of boundaries and I would not want them there.

What about some poor elderly person who has no children and whose husband and close friends are all dead now?

The in laws "well I didn't go because I didn't know her all that well"
The neighbours "well we didn't go because we didn't know her all that well"
The friend from bridge club. "well I didn't go as I didn't know her well"
The congregation at church "We didn't go as we didn't know her well"

So cold, and so so sad if no one turned up for those reasons isn't it? But that is what is being implied from some replies here.

Sorry for your loss. It depends on how close they are to you. I'm not sure I'd expect my boyfriend's parents to come to my mum's funeral.

My PiLs attended both my parents funerals, as did SiL. They didn't know them well but did know them, attended kids birthday parties at our home etc.
A funeral isnt necessarily about the person who died. It can also be for the person who is grieving.
Did you get a card? Or just the text? If just the text i'd find that totally disrespectful .
I often find views on MN regarding families really weird like its not the coming together of 2 families and no one should ever interact or god forbid actually like or get on with the in laws.
Im sorry this has happened, I would also find it upsetting x

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a mother can be a very big deal. You are in the throes of grief and emotions are heightened. Don't do anything drastic at the moment which you might regret later. I felt very bitter about someone who did not attend my mother's funeral but after a time it didn't feel so important. Could your husband explain how you feel and perhaps they could write a card expressing sypathy.

If your mother was elderly and died of old age that would be one thing but ops mother died relatively young in tragic circumstances. If op sees in-laws regularly then they should have gone to show moral support.

My mind is blown by how many people wouldn’t support somebody they had known for nine years in those circumstances.

When my mum died unexpectedly both my in-laws came and many of my friends. They were there supporting me, not just to remember my mother. Funerals are about supporting the living through grief.