AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

I’ve never known any in-laws to go to the other side of the family’s funerals.

Its likely that they felt they’d be overstepping the boundaries if they did.

This is your grief making you unreasonable.
Do not push your in-laws or partner away because you’re wanting someone to blame.

I’m sorry for your loss.

I had been with dh for 20 years when my mum died. Mil didnt attend her funeral (it was in Denmark) I didnt expect her to. Dh and dd3 didnt go either. Dd3 didnt want to go and dh was happy to stay home with her. I was ok with that I had. Dd1,2 and ds.

I dont think it makes you weird about grief to not attend funerals its about different social lenses for me that is not the norm.

My step grandparents did not attend my grandmas funeral they sent a card and flowers. That is socially expected where I am from. Dhs background is similar he is British.

I know you’re saying that cultures are different but this is your son’s life partner. It’s just nice to turn up, to ask how you’re doing. It may not be culturally the done thing, but the human thing, surely.

Even in my workplace, if a member of staff loses someone close and, as such, is off on compassionate leave at lease one member of staff will be given time off to attend the funeral to represent the workplace, whether they knew the deceased personally or not.

I’m really surprised at a lot of the responses. DH and I are very fortunate to have our parents but both sets of parents have been to the funerals of the grandparents (unless when dc were young one of our parents would watch dc whilst everyone else attended the funeral). I’d be really shocked if someone told me in-laws they got on with didn’t attend in the circumstances you describe.

However, based on the responses that’s perhaps not the norm and therefore for the sake of harmony going forward you could maybe in time move past it or possibly address it with them? They might be similar to others here and feel it wasn’t their place and would like the chance to let you know that they were of course thinking of you and it wasn’t personal.

Also, very sorry for your loss 💐

I can understand your disappointment but I wouldn’t let it affect our future relationship, I’d just lower my expectations of them all.

my mum went to my in-laws funerals as did all the dils parents. My brother went to fils funeral as a mark of respect between families too.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum OP. I don't think your in-laws were unreasonable in not coming to the funeral, I wouldn't expect them to unless they were friends. I don't think you should make any decisions whilst your grief is this raw. Cutting people off isn't a simple thing and in my experience can bring a whole host of difficult situations and feelings which last for many years or decades.

You usually only go to a funeral of someone you know well.

@Pinkyroses08 so sorry for your loss. As to your question, it depends on your culture I think. In mine, this would be absolutely shocking, unless there were basically insurmountable obstacles to the in laws attending. So my instinct is that yanbu, it's dreadful and hard not to read as a pointed insult.

BUT - if your culture, or their culture, doesn't have clear expectations around death and funerals, maybe they "didn't want to intrude"?

I have attended one funeral that was by invitation only, and clearly at that one it would have been odd if not offensive (I think?) to have just shown up.

Me and DH are from different cultures, and these mismatched expectations do arise sometimes and cause accidental hurt or offence. Is that the same situation for you? If so, don't let it damage your relationship with your in-laws. If they love and care for you in their own way, try to focus on that!

I too am sorry for your loss but I honestly wouldn’t have expected the in-laws to come either, not unless they were especially close. I echo the cultural comment too! I remember going to an Irish funeral once and was amazed at how many people were there and even how in death notices, the family has to say ‘house strictly private’ as if they don’t, people will just turn up. In England, that would be a major faux pas as for some reason we get a bit weird around death.

If they are otherwise good people, it’s not worth running a bus through your relationship with them. Everything is so painful right now and it might be that your grief is focusing anger in the wrong direction. I know, I have been there. 🌺💐

I’m so sorry for your loss OP.
My mum went to my DHs mum’s funeral. They’d met a few times but she went more to support my DH and I.
I’m so surprised to see so many comments that people wouldn’t expect ILs to go. You’re tying your family together and to not be there for you at such a sad moment I would be taking a step back too.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a cultural thing either, my DH and I are both English and both our families would attend each others funerals where they could. It’s not just respect for the dead it’s support for the living.

You only do this. Other cultures, you go to the funeral of someone who's daughter you went to school with 40 years ago. Or someone who had standing in your community. Someone your mum visited weekly to drop a hot dinner round to.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum OP

I'm really surprised at the people saying their parents wouldn't attend their partner's parent's funeral, particularly because they say there's no 'obligation'.

My mum died a month after my mother in law. Despite my father being in the depths of grief, he came to my mum's funeral. He didn't know my mum well - they only met a couple of times a year at family events - but he came because he loved me and wanted to support me. Surely that's what it's about.

This 👆🏻. It’s a show of respect to attend. I’ve been to countless funerals of parents of friends colleagues etc to show love and support - even if I didn’t know them

YANBU. Totally disagree with other people here. Of course, your future parents-in-law should have been at your mum's funeral. If it was not possible for them to attend, I really would have thought that they could have let you know and sent your their thoughts and wishes. Would not expect them to be much help when you have your own family tbh.

I am Irish and in laws would attend the funeral. When my grandmother died (mum's mum) my Mother-in-Law and my dad's siblings all came to the funeral. In Ireland its a sign of respect and I would be surprised if in laws didn't attend a funeral like this unless otherwise told not to.

I definitely wouldn't expect my in-laws to go to my parents funeral. Definitely being unreasonable and over sensitive. Sorry for your loss though.

So sorry you’ve lost your mum, OP. Awful loss.

I’d say the issue is your DP. If he knew you’d appreciate support from his family, including by coming to the funeral, he should’ve told them. Have you asked him if he talked to them about it?

I’m pretty shocked they didn’t at least send you a card to say they’re thinking of you. A text the day before the funeral was a bit belated. But some people aren’t great at knowing how to respond to bereavement.

over 60% of yabu?! People have lost their mind and are out of any social sense. They are 9 yrs together. They should at least ask if she would be ok with them coming. Geez. If a parent of your friend, whom you know for years and years dies, you do fuck all about it too? You go to show a support to your friend, even if you didn’t know the parent!

So sorry for your loss OP. Are you in the UK? I only ask because many British people have a completely different approach to funerals than say people in Ireland. Have your in laws rung you or sent a condolence card?

Im welsh. My FIL died recently my mum and brother came to the funeral. They knew him obviously, not well but they came to support both me and my dh.
Im with you OP

I'm in Scotland, and my parents and brother attended my father in laws funeral even though they'd never met him. I hadn't expected this, but they seemed to think it was a given that they'd be there to support my DH.

In most of the Europe too, besides Britain i guess! I am not british though. Appalling

Same for my family and friends in England. People are welcomed and appreciated in coming to show support to family members and pay respects.

Lots of my mum’s friends came to my grandmother’s funeral, though some had never met her, to supoort my mum.

I guess, as with all things, some families are different.

I don't think you are being unreasonable @Pinkyroses08. My EX husband came to my granny's funeral. Bloke was an arse, but had enough respect for that.

At least one of your in-laws should have made the effort. I'd definitely limit the relationship I have with them now. They've shown how little they care about you.

Obviously, your husband's relationship with them should be unaltered. But no more card or present buying from you, or making an effort for mother's day for his mum. No more doing little favours for them.