AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Just to add I’ve got friends from all areas of England and I know that they have attended funerals of our friends parents etc and other people that they don’t necessarily know in order to support someone who is grieving.
I honestly am really surprised I don’t think it’s an “English” thing but more of a personality type or someone who is un comfortable about death

This must be a cultural thing, as I’m from Northern Ireland and often people attend funerals as a sign of support for someone they know. OP my SIL didn’t attend my father’s funeral and honestly it really made me think differently of her. She had met him numerous times, they weren’t close in any way but i expected her to be there in support of me as thats the way it is where I’m from. But I guess this thread has made me realise that some people don’t think like this, maybe your in laws just don’t see funerals in the same way.

All the politics around who should and shouldn’t attended or if it’s rude or not to attend. Just make me think direct cremations are the way to go tbh.

I don’t want people there I haven’t spoken to for years or never met like grief thief’s. Going on about how they loved me and I was or wasn’t great yet we hadn’t spoken for years. Don’t want my children having the hassle and cost.

Just throw me in the oven and then do with me what you wish and use the money to do something you enjoy.

Or medical science. I’ll take that as an option as well.

I’m really sorry for your loss, but I think there is a chance in your grief you’re looking for someone to be mad at. I think whether they should have come depends entirely on the nature of relationship/social norms in your culture. I’d assume they didn’t want to hurt you but didn’t see themselves as that close to your parents.

I can't believe the responses on here! You don't attend funerals only because you knew the person who died, you also attend to support the family. When my GM, dad's mother, died my mum's cousins attended the funeral - Mum and Dad had been divorced for years and the only time they would have met my GM was at their wedding, some 35 years ago! They were there to support Dad.

If this is the standard UK response to funerals it is downright weird.

My parents went to both my in laws funerals, with you being so young to lose your mother I would have expected a bit more support (and effort) from your in laws. If they weren't able to come to the funeral I think they should have let you know beforehand. I'm sorry for your loss

Where are you based OP and are you religious? If you're in Ireland or have a religion where funerals are a big community event then I think the answer will be different

I was really touched when my in laws and my brother's in laws came to my mum's funeral. I understand how you feel.

Is there a cultural difference? My immigrant parents would be outraged and so would I. My white English in laws are so fucking polite and distant by comparison, they're like living ice popsicles, and they would definitely not give a flying fuck if my parents (or I) died. They'd probably send a sympathy card 😂 and think that's enough.

It does not really bother me but obviously it has affected relationships long term. They don't get stuck in with their grandkids, or our wedding, or anything, so they are very much at a distance. My mum did go through a horrible journey with breast cancer, had loads of chemotherapy and 2 surgeries, it was a horrible time. My in laws never asked how she or I were doing. Just pretended everything was lovely and ok all the time. Bizarre.

How do you know it's a simple thing for them to do? You don't know anything about them. Funerals aren't for everyone anyway. They're a horrible thing, which is why more and more people are doing direct cremations.

Sorry for your loss.

Did they know each other, were friendly with each other outside of the relationship with you?

I can't imagine either ILS coming to my parents funeral. MIL sees my parents for a few hours maybe every 3-4:years if we host a Christmas with them both. FIL has met my parents twice in the 30 years I have been with DH, once was our wedding.

My lovely in laws didn't go to either of my parent's funerals.

As an in Irish woman, the responses here are shocking to me. In Ireland, it would be absolutely customary to go to a funeral to support the bereaved. I’ve been to plenty of funerals where I had never even met the dead person 🤪 You go to support the bereaved and as a sign of respect.

So I’m wondering if the OP has Irish roots and has that expectation?

ETA that there are comments about people being unable to attend a funeral for travel/ work reasons etc-fair but they haven’t even sent a text / a card?! No, you’d be considered to be incredibly rude in Ireland if you didn’t even acknowledge that your DIL had lost a parent??!

I'm Irish too and even if dh and I weren't married, our families would show up.

Funerals aren't a "horrible thing" for everyone. I've loved every funeral I've attended. Not in a joyful way, but in a grateful way. They're a beautiful ritual for those of us who want to acknowledge the profundity of a person's death.

I lost a parent recently and explicitly told DH I wanted his family to come - it was a long drive for them but it really meant a lot to me that they were there.

Also from a Catholic family with Irish roots so there were hundreds of people at the funeral and wake.

I’m with you OP, they should have tactfully asked your partner if they should attend if they weren’t sure, but you’re also grieving and I’m sure anyone who cares about you would be mortified to know they’ve hurt you.

Funerals are highly charged things. Some people think that they wouldn't be welcome to go if they didn't know the person well, others think (like you) that if they people don't show up, they don't care. It depends how well they knew your mother among many other things. I wouldn't read too much into this (and I know that might be hard to do because your mum has died and you want that acknowledged by people you have invested in).

I'm sorry that your mum has died - it's tough and given that you're thinking of having children yourself, it must feel harder than say if she had died in late old age. Maybe focus on being kind to yourself but perhaps don't make issues with your in laws where it is simply a misunderstanding or difference in etiquette - you'll know in your heart whether it is deeper than this but for now, maybe just give the benefit of the doubt just because that might prove easier for you (not sabotaging your relationship with your in laws) in the longer run.

I didn't go to my own FILs funeral so wouldn't expect my parents to.

At the last funeral I went to half my family agreed they wouldn't bother with a funeral at all so rites and rituals aren't of great importance to us. Even my Irish grandma said we weren't to waste money attending her funeral (lived abroad).

I don't really understand how people have time to attend funerals of people they don't even know. I've had 3 to attend this year and that's only immediate family members (grandparent and two uncles). I'd barely be in work if I had to go to funerals of my friend's father in law, or the grandparent of a work colleague or the neighbour I had when I was 6.

I'm genuinely surprised by so many of the replies here! I've always thought attending funerals is a show of support to the family/friends of the deceased, not just that you knew the deceased well. For example I recently attended the funeral of my friend's mum. Didn't really know the mum, had met to say hi to a few times. But I care about my friend and wanted to be there for that reason.

I would be sad too OP. I'd let it go though as you will have a future with your in-laws in your life and they'll be your children's grandparents. And given the majority of the replies here, our view isn't widely shared and it's unlikely your in-laws didn't attend for any negative reason.

Sorry for your loss. Losing your mum is a profound loss and I was definitely not my most emotionally strong after I lost mine.

Maybe this is cultural, but as Catholics (Irish) this would be seen as weird. Many of the older generation (my parents in their 70s) regularly attend funerals of folks in the community. When my FIL died my parents attended, despite the fact they had only met a couple of times and lived in a different part of the country.

Do they have jobs? I wouldn't be allowed time off for my child's girlfriend's parent's funeral. Were they very close to your mother?

My in-laws travelled a long way to attend my mum’s funeral. I didn’t really want them to; we’ve had a rocky relationship over the years, and whilst things are better these days I didn’t know how I’d be (other than devastated) and wasn’t sure I’d have the bandwidth to deal with them if they were difficult. I’m English, they’re not, and my experience of grandparents’ funerals has been that in-laws don’t come.

I was wrong though - they behaved impeccably, and were incredibly helpful with our preteen children who also attended (we don’t live near my parents and so children needed to attend as the alternative was to leave them with randoms). They were also really good afterwards and way more sensitive than I thought they would be based on past interactions.

So, I think there is no real right or wrong; things are done differently in different cultures. Unless you explicitly asked them to come, there’s a possibility that they thought they weren’t wanted or needed.

I’m really sorry for your loss though, joining the Dead Mum’s Club is really tough.

To be honest, my mind is blown by the idea that it is expected and considered outrageously rude not to. Tricky. It REALLY isn't for most people I know ( England) and generally, I would only expect people there who knew the deceased. For me, funerals are about remembering the life of the deceased and gathering friends and family of them together (had to attend quite a few in the last few years, sadly, including of members of my own family but they've all been lovely, very moving and totally focused on the life of the person who has gone, which for me, is how it 'should' be). If people who'd never met my dad had turned up to his funeral, or even longstanding friends of mine who didn't know him to support me, I'd have found it really off. It was about him, his close family and friends and his life.

So I think the answer here is, I do get why you're upset OP, if that's what expected with most people you grew up around, but it isn't universal at all, and many would feel actively uncomfortable about it. So it's tricky with such massive differences in cultural expectations,especially at such a sensitive time. Your partner's family probably did not intend it as any kind of snub and would likely be quite shocked you saw it that way as many wouldn't expect to attend.

It’s strange that all the English people are shrugging and saying, it’s cultural, get over it. And yet, they grieve and cry, just like anyone else. Why not think that actually turning up at a funeral to support the living is a good thing, and that maybe they should change?
(by the way, I’m British too!).

Are you English OP? i only ask as that would make a difference to the answer. If you are then it would seem normal for your partners family not to attend but if you are Scottish then you are right to be upset with them and i would be pulling back from them.