AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

My in-laws would 100% go and that would include partners etc. We are not that close but they would go to show support as would I. I’m in Ireland and a lot of funerals are a big affair, so maybe it’s different. I would be hurt as well op ❤️

This is very family, location and culture dependent. Where I am, you inly attend funerals of close friend ds and family. Basiclsly if you're "invited" by the immediate family.

I went to my bil's parents funerals. My in-laws went to my dad's funeral. My sister went to my in-laws funerals. I think it's completely normal and expected to go to extended family's funerals and to call after a death. I come from a culture that does so and 50 mourners would be a small gathering.
Most of mumsnet is the opposite.

Sorry for your loss.

My in laws didn't come to my dad's funeral. We have been married over 20 years.

I wouldn't expect my (now ex) in laws to go to my parents funerals because they don't know them.

In fact I don't want my exh coming to their funerals when they do happen either and he knows them.

I could say the same thing about other cultures who attend funerals for people they barely know!

I don't know if I'd expect them to attend but I'd expect more than one random message.

I haven't voted @Pinkyroses08 because I think you are being both reasonable (to be very hurt) and unreasonable (to not want to try and get past that hurt going forward).

I had a very similar situation with my in-laws except I was married to their son (for many years) and they actually knew my dad quite well). In my heart of hearts I've never truly forgiven them but I try not to dwell on that and dont let it affect our relationship day to day. Fundamentally they are nice people, they are loved by my husband and our children and it would harm them and make things very difficult if I moderated our relationship through the lens of my hurt/ resentment -so I don't.

I fear for your relationship if you cant find some way of getting past this. Equally that will take time and you need time to grieve for your loss without worrying about playing nice with them.

And they didn’t even do that for the OP. People can be very cold. As you can see by the dismissive comments on this thread.

I am so sorry for your loss, OP, and I would be sad too that they didn’t bother. I recently went to my daughter’s partner’s dad ‘s funeral. I thought it was important and I wanted to show the young man how much we cared about him. I had never met his dad. I think it’s basic manners to mark such a sad event.

My DM and DB did attend my FIL’s funeral many years ago. But his death had been a very traumatic event (car accident), so I suspect that’s the reason why. She’s now a close friend of my MIL, so I think she’d attend hers too.

I think I’d be very hurt in your shoes, OP, especially since it sounds like they haven’t sent cards/flowers. I think cutting your them off altogether is an overreaction, though understanable considering you’re grieving.

I’m sorry for the loss of your DM, OP.

My dad died very young, and two elderly ladies tried to crash his wake claiming to be “great friends of the deceased” (I mention their ages because clearly a 35 year old man was NOT great friends with two random 70 year old women none of us had ever heard of before).

Yes, my uncle turfed them out. DM found it hugely intrusive and upsetting that they were trying to gatecrash the worst day of her life for a bit of free cake. Honestly I would feel the same if a delegation of my brother’s workmates turned up at DM’s funeral. I don’t want to have to try to host a load of randoms out on a jolly who don’t know the deceased from Adam, when I’m deep in grief.

Fine for other people to have different traditions, but it isn’t “cold as ice” to give people some privacy and space to grieve.

But you know the bereaved … it’s often more about supporting them and reminding them they are loved.

I’d only expect this if they had a relationship with each other and spent time together. My parents and my in-laws barely knew each other so I’d see no reason for them to go to each-other’s funerals. Obviously you feel differently but I’d rather not have a load of people who didn’t know them turning up.

My mum just died of cancer last week. It was very traumatic. So I do understand what you’re going through. That said, perhaps your in laws did not realise their presence at her funeral would have meant a lot to you. Did your DH ask them to come and they refused? As that is very upsetting if so.

Agree with this. Take your time before burning any bridges.

It’s wrong no one came - just one person could have represented that side of the family invade if infirmity or young kids. That’s the ‘done thing’ I’m sorry for your loss and your experience. 🌺

I agree they should have sent you a card at least though.

how rude of them to not even send a card

Do they live near you? If they were local or quite local I would expect them, or at least one of them to make an effort. I’m Irish though so we do tend to go to funerals to show respect or to support their loved ones.

My parents were due to come to my MIL funeral but lockdown happened, they wanted to support me and my DH, he is their SIL and they love him dearly, we are all family.

I would think it’s odd not to and I understand why you are hurt.

Exactly! Dh and I were recently at the funeral of our lovely neighbour's mother. A few people at work recently have been taking half days to go the funerals of their friends' elderly parents. I remember years ago one of our friend's mothers died, probably the first 'parent' death of a friend at that point. DH and I didn't go to the funeral because we reasoned we'd never met the mum and would it be a bit ghoulish? Then we felt awful a few months later when our mate said he wished we'd been there and it really changed my perspective. I appreciated my friends coming to my mother's funeral even though they had no connection to her.

I can't imagine why your in laws wouldn't attend. You've been in their lives for nine years, it's not like it's a flash in the pan relationship and it would be nice for them to show they care.

Sorry for your loss op. My parents in law came to my dad’s funeral, but no other in laws - they knew each other/shared grandchildren and dh and I had been married for 10 years (and together for 15 years). I think you are grieving and that always makes everything seem awful, but cut them some slack - they may well have been thinking along the lines of not wanting to intrude.

My parents and in-laws live around 200 miles apart. They rarely see each other, but have made an effort over the years when an opportunity arises. My parents did attend my MIL’s funeral, to give their support to my FIL, DH and their shared grandchildren. Since the funeral my father has talked on the phone with my FIL at least once a month.

That's really crap of them, OP. It's not about them knowing your Mum, it's about knowing that their future daughter in law has lost her Mum and showing both you and their son some moral support. It doesn't say much for their feelings towards you.

When a young person in our family died tragically hardly anyone from one side of the family came.
I haven't forgiven them or had any contact since.
But I think that's quite a distinct situation.