AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Sorry for your loss OP.

It would never occur to me to even think about going to either of DS or DD PIL funerals. I would of course send a message but I certainly wouldn't attend.

That did occur to me as well.

Wow really shocked with all the replies that are saying the in laws should not have been expected to go to the funeral. Does it really matter if they knew the mum or not? Surely it should be about going to support their daughter in law who is going through such a difficult sad time. It would be showing how much they care about her so yes totally understand why you are upset.

So sorry you have list your dear mum but I wouldn’t put yourself through anymore grief when you are going through enough. You will probably never feel the same about your in laws again and that is understandable but don’t let this overtake your life when you are dealing with grieving. Put it to one side and allow yourself to deal with your grief.

All the best to you.

So, you have read the thread and learned that many people have a different approach to funerals to yours and the OP. But instead of taking that information to reassure the OP and help reduce her distress, you reinforce an attitude that will impact the family dynamic permanently!? You will probably never feel the same about your in laws again and that is understandable
This is the attitude that has shocked me on this thread.

I think some of the responses here are quite sad. On either side our parents would attend. Not because they knew or didn’t know the in law, but to support US. Mil treats me as a daughter, she could never let me go through a parent’s funeral without offering support. I attended a close friend’s Nans funeral, who I barely knew, because friend needed me.

When my daughter’s ( then) boyfriend’s Dad died I didn’t go to the funeral ( though I took her to it) as I hardly knew him. Now he is my son-in Law, and I know his mother and family better I would go to the funeral if ( God forbid!) anything happened to his mother.

Perhaps your parents just didn’t feel he was “family”, as you are not married, and that it would be inappropriate to go. Sorry if that is an old-fashioned view.

That’s ok we are all different in our opinions and that I get. Fair enough if what I have said has shocked you but don’t let it beat you up.

Sorry for your loss but they are not your in laws because you are not married.
Did they socialise with your Mum at all? They probably don't know how you are feeling right now.

Some on this thread also seem to be seeing attendance at the funeral as the only way to give support and in my experience that couldn't be further from the truth. I think the idea of everybody pulling out all the stops to attend a funeral because otherwise they will be deemed to have fallen short is supremely unhelpful. There are so many ways to support someone through a bereavement and lots of people experience a huge drop in support in the time after the funeral. A huge swell of 'support' with everyone who knows you showing up on one day may not actually be as helpful as the people in your life doing what they can, when they can over a more sustained period of time. And I do agree with those PPs suggesting there can be a performative element to this.

Sorry for your loss OP, it’s devastating to lose a parent.

However, and with respect, I think your grief is clouding your judgement here.

Unless your partner’s family were very close to your parents, I think it would be a bit strange them turning up to the funeral. You had messages/notes and flowers, which shows respect.

I’d feel weird turning up to the funeral of my son-in-law’s parent! I have no connection to them at all! It would be a very odd thing to do 🤯

It's not the difference in opinions thats shocked me. You were the one who expressed shock over that.
The difference is that you (and many others) apply judgement to those who differ from you rather than acceptance.
I fully accept that plenty of people attend funerals in circumstances where I would not. We're different. One is not better than the other.

It's the idea that family relationships could be damaged for life because of that simple difference is what saddens me. Unless the in-laws made their decision with an intent to hurt the OP, I see no reason for it cause a rift or alter how anyone feels about the other.

In Scotland, we go to the funeral in support of the bereaved person, not just because we knew the deceased. It's a lovely tradition.

Bless you I can see you have quoted an awful lot of posters on this thread so are clearly looking for an argument.
Won’t be getting one from me I am afraid, it is a beautiful morning and I plan to get outside.
I suggest you give your head a wobble and do the same because you clearly need it.

Have a great day.☀️☀️☀️

My dad died last year. Two of his own sisters didn’t bother attending the celebration of life we had….no particular reason….no big family fall out or anything….they just couldn’t really be bothered to make the effort. Each to their own. I didn’t really care. It had zero effect on me. I didn’t and don’t want presenteeism dressed up as ‘support’. I didn’t want anyone there because they felt obligated. I was there for me, for my mum and brother, and for my dad. That’s what actually matters.

As a PP has said, I'm also puzzled by the apparent belief of many people in this thread that the only real way you can show support for a bereaved person is by attending the funeral of the person they're grieving. For months after my dad died, people would stop me in the street / post office / supermarket etc and express their condolences, and share their favourite memories of him with me. It was lovely. None of them went to his funeral.

A day or two after my mum died, some friends of mine went to a Marks & Spencer food hall and bought me lots of lovely ready meals and treats so that I wouldn't have to worry about cooking while I was grieving and organising everything that has to be done in the aftermath of someone's death. They didn't go to her funeral. Lots and lots and lots of people sent me flowers and/or sympathy cards after I lost my mum. They didn't go to her funeral either.

It's as though you either go to the funeral, or you're an ice-cold uncaring unfeeling person who does nothing at all for your bereaved friend/relative, and there are no other options. I find it bizarre.

It’s astonishing to me that people can talk themselves into thinking it’s ok not to. You do all the other stuff, and attend the funeral.

In your culture. Not in everyone’s.

In which cultures isnt this the norm?

But the vast majority of people on here are white British — ‘culture’ isn’t the issue.

Why would people be talking themselves into thinking it is okay not to go on this thread? Does it not occur to you that customs and cultures differ across the world.

Agree. Im 60 and probably only been to about 6 funerals in my life.

In contrast one of my best friends comes from
a Jamaican f bf background and has been to about 100. In her culture you go to funerals of everyone your family vaguely knows, in my family iIts close relatives only them others can attend the wake later.

YANBU. My ILs were Irish and so went to any and every funeral regardless of whether they knew the deceased.

When my dad died tragically young at 54 they did not change the date of their week in Spain to attend his funeral. I don't think I ever mentioned my hurt at this to them or my DH but 35 years later it still bothers me enough that writing this post has made me tearful.

They were generally lovely people and wonderful grandparents to our DC but their non-attendance really hurt me.

But we’re not talking about culturally differences at all. Mn is a UK site numerically dominated by white British people.

”White British” isn’t a monolithic culture. And many people on this thread aren’t White British anyway.

Culture doesn't just mean broad categories like ethnicity, religion or nationality. In this context it can be regional, familial etc. It can be about a shared belief. And this thread has shown there are different belief systems around attending funerals. Those are cultural. There isn't a single "white British " norm.