AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

It really doesn't. I know people who are the type to offer and go to funerals etc of people they don't really know and to "support" someone they don't know well and tbh they're self involved, insensitive and not nice. But they like to think they are and be seen as kind, supportive etc. Colin Robinson more like.

This absolutely!

What a sad, uncaring and self centred society we have become with the majority thinking that they have no obligation or care for anyone outside their own nuclear family.

This does not bode well for the future.

Oh dear god 🙄

Plenty of uncaring and self-centred people routinely attend funerals. Its not the marker of a good person or civilised society.

My aunt on my fathers side is like this.

If there is the funeral of a family member of someone she knows, even if she never met them, she will go "to support X". I have it on good authority that more than a few have wondered why she went but she and her part of the family are very drama orientated and "look at me". When my uncle (her brother) passed away her DGD posted it on SM before half of the family even knew and DGD hadnt seen him in almost 20 years. Caused a huge row between her and his children and as a result the rest of the family have an agreement that they will always be the last to know.

My aunt on my mum's side passed late last year and this aunt was on the phone as soon as she heard to ask when the funeral was. The last time they met was my sisters christening 48 years ago, and she and my mother do NOT get on.

So attendance at a funeral does not necessarily mean genuine support.

Am so sorry for your loss.
Does your partner's family live within easy distance of where the funeral was held? If so, I feel it would have been supportive of them to attend. However, if they are aging and it would have involved a long and tiring journey, perhaps it's understandable they didn't come. My in-laws didn't come to my parents' funeral. They made an excuse (it was unusual at they tend to be frequent funeral attendees!) but I completely understand how you're feeling. It's such a raw time anyway. I hope this doesn't spoil your relationship with them. Wishing you a happier year ahead.

I’m sorry for your loss. I would find this very hard to forgive. My DH’s family and mine are not super close but they came to my siblings funeral, I would never even have given it a second thought that they wouldn’t come and I would’ve been massively upset if they hadn’t. They came to support me and to support my husband and to show respect for me and my family. That is just how people I know operate. I completely understand why you are upset

I am reading this with interest. Firstly I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend at 43 after 5 year battle with cancer and am still very hurt by the fact my own family (let alone in-laws) did not even dial in to the funeral that I organised and gave the eulogy at. In my mind it’s about supporting the person left behind as well as showing respect to the person who has passed. My in laws haven’t even mentioned my friends death to me yet met her probably 20 times including in Italy at our wedding where she was our bridesmaid. They knew she was ill and mil would occasionally ask in passing how she was. People can’t deal with their own feelings therefore cannot be kind to you. Rant over and please accept my condolences for your loss.

At least one member from the in-law family should attend as a sign of support. It’s not cultural, just being observant of someone’s loss.

I’m sorry for your loss. I definitely wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend. I’ve been with my husband for 30 years too. It would be different if your parents and in laws were good friends.

All this talk of support....

What actual support is there? In the losses we have had the support came from those who knew and loved the deceased coming together and holding each other up. Not from someone who couldnt talk about shared love and memories and just said "I am sorry for you loss", then ate some ham rolls.

You can acknowledge the loss of someone without attending their funeral. My cousin, DD of the aunt I lost last year, was not at all close to her mother but knew that my mother (aunts sister) was. She sent my mother a card of condolence, even though it was her own mother who had died.

There was no funeral thanks to my aunts abusive husband trying to punish us, so it meant a lot to my mother.

I think my in laws would go to my parents funeral but I don't think my parents would have go to my in laws funeral.
I expect the respect is quite equivalent and mutual but they just have very different approaches to funerals

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to attend my mum’s funeral, however each to their own. I’m sorry for your loss and why don’t you take some time to reflect, now isn’t the time to be taking big decisions.

Only she hasn't married their child

The thread has now just got to the stage of everyone just saying which camp they are in, but what it has (hopefully) shown you over the last 27 pages is that there is no 'right' way. Opinion is pretty divided. I mean the poll is currently showing 61% thinking YABU and 39% saying YANBU. I haven't done a count up but my perception is the comments are pretty evenly split.

Lots have people have reiterated this is not something to dwell on. You've lost your Mum, which is incredibly sad time for anyone, and even sadder as you are clearly still young.
My suggestion is you leave the thread now, accepting that your partner's parents think differently from you on this, and, whilst you are really upset and grieving is not the time to be making angry decisions.
Take your time to grieve and come to terms with losing your Mum.

Great post @JustGiveMeReason

So you’re saying that had the OP had had their son put a ring on it at some over the past nine years, his parents would have attended the funeral of her parent? That they have a ‘no ring no bring’ policy but for funerals?

I'm sorry for your loss OP 💐 I understand it would've meant so much to you, I hope you can grieve for your mum now even though your inlaws didn't pay their respects ❤️

I've recently lost my Dad, my inlaws didn't come to his funeral, I wouldn't expect them too nor would I want them too but that's a whole different story.

In defence, they may not have felt it was appropriate to attend, if they didn’t know your Mum well. British people (I am one, for clarification) can be quite socially awkward - my parents often infuriatingly say “well, we didn’t want to say…” when actually, clear communications between everyone would avoid these misunderstandings.

Either way, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s tough - if you love him then let it go, and don’t make it harder for yourself. Hopefully they were just trying to do the right thing.

Did your in-laws know your mum? Had they met her many times, you haven't mentioned. This, is relevant as I wouldn't go to a funeral if I didn't know the person who had passed away very well.

My parents and sister didn’t attend my FIL’s funeral. They only see him at the wedding etc. They did exactly what your in laws did and sent messages of condolence to DH. I think you are being unreasonable but grief does that.

Agree with this. My parents didn’t attend my FIL funeral.
Unless I specifically asked them to (which I didn’t) I can’t imagine they would have been expected to attend. They only met on a handful of occasions.

109% usually the types who think they’re the chief mourner at every funeral and the maid of honour at every wedding. It’s all about them inserting themselves rather than genuine care. We all know the type

OP said they live 15 minutes away (it wasn't until a later post she said that).

In defence of your in-laws, was it because your MIL had passed away and your FIL remarried that your in-laws did not attend? It's often the mother, as the matriarch of the family, that sets the tone. Your step MIL (and BIL) likely wouldn't think of attending unless your FIL suggested it. And well, being a man (I am stereotyping here) he may not have thought of it.

In my mind your partner would be the one to support you and represent their side of the family at the funeral. No reason for everyone else to attend unless particularly close to your DM.