AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

First of all @Pinkyroses08 I am so sorry for your loss of your dear mum. Neither of my in-laws attended my parents funerals. They rarely mixed with eachother and I honestly didn't expect anything else.
You are grieving and sometimes we can get things out of perspective when we grieve. Don't cut contact, just see how things go.
I wish you peace and healing x
💐

I don’t understand the other comments saying YABU. I thought it was pretty obvious you’d attend the funeral of extended members of the family? In my eyes (and my family’s, the way I’ve been raised) in-laws also become part of the family the day the marriage happens. Even if there’s no real closeness or ‘bond’ it’s just basic respect and manners? My aunt and uncle’s husband and wife and both of their sets of parents attended my mom’s funeral. When my uncles (via marriage) mom died, my nan went to her funeral along with my aunt (his wife) and my mom & my uncle. My family attend neighbours funerals too. And I have a few family members who work in care, they always make sure they attend their patients funerals.
Im shocked to find out this way that it’s not normal for the majority of people.

Yes I was flabbergasted and I stand by that. That's not me failing to understand different cultures that's me trying to understand why you wouldn't go to support the bereaved person that you're close to. I was incredibly touched at some of the "random" people that came to my mum's funeral and wake. It was so kind of them to be so thoughtful and compassionate. And that includes her dentist who had retired a few years earlier who called at the wake and didn't come in, just wanted to shake my dad's hand and tell him how much he thought of her and to tell him how sorry he was for his loss. I'm happy to live in a society and a culture where that's the baseline. I don't think that's a bad thing.

Sorry for your loss but you received some flowers from your DP brother and SIL so they acknowledged it, in your grief your are bu as some posters have said.

sorry for your loss OP. The reality is that you are not related to them (yet) so I don’t think it would have occurred to them to come. Did they know your mum well?
I am from a different culture and whilst I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend’s parents to come to a family funeral, it would have been nice for them to show their support for you. Do you have siblings? I do hope you have others to lean on.

are you sure your BF is planning on proposing? Maybe they know something you don’t….

It must be very sad grieving your mum. This is said with the best of intentions to avoid you making perhaps a mistake.

Funeral etiquette can vary a lot in different families, and people's expectations differ greatly.

My best friend from school expected me to travel 300 miles midweek for her dad's funeral. I literally couldn't, I had "mission critical" meetings at work I couldn't miss, plus two small children at school/childminders. I simply couldn't get there.

She then reacted by doing a savage character assassination of me as a person, then didn't speak to me for over a year.

To be honest it had never even occurred to me that I would go. Ive never thought much about funerals, I've avoided them mostly, unless escorted there against my will.

Then when my own dad's funeral came, I found it completely unnecessary that people came. My in laws came a long distance. Said friend came. I appreciated the gesture, but in all honesty, it forced me to have to socialise on one of the hardest days of my life. Really all I wanted to do was privately grieve. I guess potentially it distracted me. Dunno.

This is all shared just to illustrate how different people feel about it.

I was the same when my mother died. I couldn't cope with a huge funeral & we announced it would be close family & friends only. It wouldn't enter my mind who came along. We chose to have a more intimate send off & it was lovely.

This isn't an equivalent situation though OP. You might have helped out a lot when your FIL had a stroke - but what did your parents do? Were they involved, did they consider the in laws part of their family?

People are saying that when you're married you and all the parents become one big family and are assuming that has happened here too. But to me it's not clear that it had. It certainly didn't happen to me, my in laws lived at the other end of the country to my parents and they never even met, I didn't like them that much and it would never in a million years occurred to me that they would come to my parents funerals.

So I think you need to think about how close your parents and in laws were, if they barely knew each other then I think it would be very odd for them to go to the funeral. It probably didn't even occur to them that you'd want them there when you'd have all your own blood family members there.

I can't understand your view of this situation at all or that you're going to 'punish' them by blocking them on SM and cutting them out your life. It's all very over dramatic and is presumably down to you grieving. Otherwise I'd be concerned for your MH tbh.

I agree, I would expect them to attend. Even if they didn’t know your mother well you are like family and been part of their lives for nine years.I would have thought they would attend to show support to you and their son at a very difficult time. Me boyfriend’s parents came to my mother’s funeral for that very reason. They are now my in-laws and my children’s grandparents - my family.

My in laws came to my mums funeral. They came to show support for me.
I've gone to friends parents/grandparents funerals to support my friends.

We are talking about people possibly in the last episodes of their own life with varying health issues to deal with. Give them some leeway to attend funerals which are absolutely necessary such as very close family or very close friends.

I think thats extraordinary behaviour but tbh I'm blown away by some of the comments here too but that could be a difference in attitude (I'm Irish). Attending the funeral often has little to do with the person who passed and everything to do with the people left behind, you go to support them, in solidarity with them, to send off the person they cared for. To show your love for them and be a comfort during a difficult time. I would be very disappointed and I understand your hurt. But don't react now. Let things settle and give it time.

British people seem to treat funerals as quite unimportant. One of my cousins had no qualms about cremating their aunt with no funeral or acknowledgment whatsoever. Which is fine for them but it would have upset her. I come from a background where funerals are very important and personally I think it would be respectful of them to go.

Are you in the UK, British? Are they all who are commenting that they wouldn't go, British? For me it would be a cultural difference. My parents would definitely attend, so would my husband's, but unfortunately we live in 3 different countries, my husband and myself in UK and our parents in our home countries. But otherwise in both our cultures it would be normal to attend.

Did you not see that I mentioned distance could be a factor? unless there is a toxic reason or huge distances separate them of course

I think a lot of posters seem to have difficulty understanding that different people have different expectations and different traditions, and that not everyone lives locally to their extended families.

I would really like to know where the boyfriend sits in this. Did he indicate to his family that they were expected to go to the funeral? Did the OP tell her BF that she was expecting them to come?

I feel that there has been a lack of communication all round.

What a nonsensical, sweeping generalisation.

Cultural differences within the UK are massive as this thread demonstrates. These differences can be linked to location, religion, family background etc. But it's rare to find an attitude that funerals are "quite unimportant " .

Even those opting for direct cremation are likely to have a wake or other type of memorial event.

@Trillieplease don’t lump
us all together, here in Scotland we have respect and manners and show support to the family whether we personally knew the deceased or not, this thread is full of very rude cold ppl.

I'd say there are a depressing number of incredibly rude and judgemental posters who think they live on the moral high ground and can't accept differences without letting rip with personal criticism.

Nonsense. People do things differently. A number of posters have stated that they really wouldn't welcome anyone who wasn't their nearest and dearest at a funeral.

My (now) husband’s mum passed away after we’d been together for around 10 months. Despite only meeting her a handful of times, my parents attended her funeral out of respect. So yes, I agree they should have attended. Sorry for your loss ❤️

My dad also attended my ex-common-law-FIL’s funeral even though they had also never met (FIL’s illnesses) - and that was greatly appreciated by all the in-laws.

Funerals are not just about the departed but about supporting the bereaved

i understand how you feel about this, OP. Condolences on the loss of your mum 💐

Reading all the comments that in-laws didn’t come to their parents funeral. Maybe it depends where you live. I’m from Northern Ireland and we support the person who has lost a loved one , so yes I would expect them to attend. Perhaps it just not something they do in there family. I would try not to take it too personally and just give it a while before seeing them again. Sorry for your loss.

I think it comes down to whether or not you are a kind or supportive person who thinks about others. If you're not sure if the family member would appreciate a supportive presence, the thing to do is ask.

I would be really really shocked if my mum didn't attend my FIL's funeral. I wouldn't expect FIL to attend either of my parents funerals, or my dad to attend FILs.

I too am really surprised at the overall consensus here. I would have expected something.