AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

My parents came to FILs funeral to pay their respects and to support my DH and our family. We had a gathering afterward in a cricket club that FIL loved and my then 80 year old mother worked her socks off making sure everyone was fed and watered. It's what you do.

@Pinkyroses08 I am sorry for your loss.

How often do you normally see the in-laws?

My in-laws didn’t come to my DF’s funeral. FIL and partner did offer to come, but we asked if they could look after DC instead (as we felt too young to attend). They lived locally to us but not to where funeral was being held.

MIL didn’t offer to come but lived miles away from both of us and where funeral was.

I’m amazed by how many funerals people must get time off work from for. Where non close family I would either have had to take it as holiday or make up time taken off

People attend funerals for two reasons: to honour the deceased and to support the family members. When my mother-in-law passed away my siblings attended the funeral. Not all of the siblings had ever met my mother-in-law but they wanted to go to support my husband. Some of my friends even attended who had never met her. OP you were young when your mother died so it must have been very difficult for you. Your in-laws should have been there to support you.

You don't send out invites for funerals.

I guess it is implied when you tell them the date, time and venue isn't it?

If they had met several times are were local I'd expect them to go.

Absolutely outrageous they didn’t come and support you, whether they knew them or not they should have been there to support you. You definitely are not being unreasonable

Here in Ireland we have rip.ie. funeral details are also published in some papers and local radio stations will have death notices read out once a day.
very veey easy for people to find out details

I’m really sorry for your loss . I wouldn’t have expected my in laws to come to my mum or dad’s funeral as they only met them very infrequently and weren’t friends . It sounds like you had a lot of support so maybe your anger at the in-laws is your grief landing on something because there’s no where else for it to go. This could jeopardise your relationship with your partner so try to just be kind to yourself and let it go. I’m sure your mum wouldn’t want you twisted up by this resentment .

I would have expected them to attend or at least be more supportive in light of your long term relationship with their son, and presumably you. It doesn’t matter if they knew your mother or not, they know YOU. If this happened to me, it would make me wonder if they cared about me at all. It’s unkind, thoughtless, and a bit insulting.
After a little time has passed, I suggest you talk to them in person. Don’t be accusatory or put them on the defensive. But you could say something like, “ You know when my mum died it was such a hard time for me. We were very close. I sure could have used your support with her loss. It would have meant so much to me. I’m still pretty sad that you weren’t able to make the funeral or call.” Then it’s up to them to apologize or to dismiss your feelings as an overreaction. That will show you what they think of you. Tell your partner what you are going to say and that you expect him to be on board.

I tried to say the same thing in my post above but you said it so much better. Your post nails it.

Unless you actually invited them maybe they didn’t want to impose

equally it may have brought back painful Memories of their mum /ex wife’s death

thinking about it - when my dad dies (hopefully not for years) I don’t think I would be offended if my husbands (soon to be ex) tho get on very well with his family still - family aka bil sil etc didn’t come

yes they know of my dad via daughters bday parties and our wedding etc - but they aren’t close to him

I think you are over thinking this a little

sorry for your loss @Pinkyroses08 💐💐

I'm 36. My in laws didn't come to my sisters funeral and I wouldn't expect them to. Sorry for your loss. Gently, I wouldn't start a fight over this. If you're planning a future with guy, you don't want to alienate yourself from his family

My ex H's (can't call him D) sisters and neice came to my DF's funeral which was some distance away. I was quite surprised but moved by their show of support. I'd been divorced from their brother for many years and had stayed in infrequent contact. It was a lovely gesture but I guess it depends on family traditions and expectations.

Its not cultural, i think its down to personalitys, i,m english and of course inlaws would respect one anothers parents,grandparents etc etc…and attend the funeral.. but everyone is different, its wrong they didnt go… thats on their conscience,,.. but remember what i taught my child..two wrongs don,t make a right and and rise above it… certainly dont distance them… be the bigger persin….. and always do the right thing sweety, your mother is one step behind you always xxxxxxxx

I am absolutely shocked by the responses. I know we all have different values and family relationships but I cannot believe one of your in laws would not attend your mums funeral out of respect. I could not get past that either. So sorry for your loss.

Some posters brought up the issues of taking time off work or travel expenses. OP’s in-laws live 15 minutes away. Even if they lived in another country, they could send a thoughtful letter or card, make a phone call, or send flowers. Attendance may not be part of their culture, but kindness should be. They just couldn’t be arsed.

Maybe there's a good reason they didn't attend. I'm Irish and missed a few family funerals (in-laws and aunts) because a certain person was sure to turn up and start trouble, and I didn't want to be dragged into the drama. She did turn up, much to the discomfort of the grieving family, and sat close to the altar where the close family were to sit. The Mass was delayed while the family and undertaker changed the seating plan because no one wanted to sit near her. So I made the right decision. DP and DM also decided not to go. It felt more respectful to just send our condolences (on RIP.ie, a great site for Irish funeral announcements).

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I'm surprised at the number of people who think you are being unreasonable. I think you show up at a funeral because either you're close to one of the bereaved people or you were close to the deceased person. So when my mum died in 2023 my (brothers- and sisters-) in laws came to her funeral. My parents in law didn't because they don't live in the UK. I was very touched that quite a few of my in-laws made the effort. I attended my brother in law's mum's funeral because he is my brother in law and I'm fond of him and I'd met his mum once or twice. I think it must be down to how close you are and how important extended family is to you. Personally I feel it's as much about supporting the mourners as respecting the deceased person. Clearly there is no one way of doing this in the UK so with hindsight perhaps you needed to ask your partner to invite his family. At least you can take comfort from this thread that the way your in-laws behaved is clearly quite normal in the UK so please try not to take it personally.

Her FIL and MIL did not send flowers, her DP’s siblings and their partners did, making her partner’s parents lack of support even more conspicuous.

There isn’t a right or wrong - you can support the living if that would help them or you can go to say personal goodbyes - I’ve done both and have never felt attending or not attending was the wrong decision at the time or after the event -
I was very grateful for the support I and my family received when we had a family loss even from many people I’d never met but felt they wanted to be there

Really surprised by the results on this. Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. And 100% I would expect in laws to attend especially if they’re local (but even if they aren’t). I remember when my mum and dad lost relatives. Their in laws attended the funerals even though they didn’t really get on with my mum. It’s respectful to do so but also important to show support. That being said I don’t think my in laws would but that’s because they’re not generally self absorbed and self centred.

This!

When my friend lost her dad to cancer my friendship circle all went to the funeral and it wasn’t even nearby nor had we ever met her dad. Some of us travelled from London to Birmingham.

But they did send flowers.

@Pinkyroses08 I have done exactly that. My mother died 2 years ago. It was sudden although she had been very unwell, and she was quite young.
my in laws did not come to her funeral service.
Dh and I have been together for 16 years.
Inlaws live about 30 minutes from my parents home.
I attended both of their mothers funerals.
we are Irish. It is hugely offensive to me that they couldn’t be bothered to come.
I don’t bother with them the way I used to anymore. I will never attend another funeral for any of their family members again. And I will never, ever see them in the same light.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I’m so sorry that your in-laws are as shit as mine.