AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

But funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living, for those left behind.

You're repeating this mantra as though it's a universal inalienable truth. It isn't.

And if you're not going to be compassionate to your daughter in law , who are you going to show support and compassion to?
It's such a values thing.

I personally think you go to support your family. It is a really vulnerable time for you and it is not being sensitive to feel hurt.
I suppose if you have not spent much time with these people then maybe they weren't sure whether to come or not but a card at the very least would have been kind and thoughtful.
Maybe wait a while re the unfollowing on social media. See how you feel when things aren't so raw. But I would probably be tempted to do the same.

Look, I get it, it’s culturally acceptable in England to not attend your in law’s funeral

That's a judgemental misrepresentation of the cultural norm for many people. You're implying that the in-laws ought to go to the funeral but have been given some sort of a pass to get out of it. And you see that to be a poor show. Many of us just don't have that cultural norm. It's not morally inferior to the "everyone should attend everyone else's funeral" It's different Why is that so hard for some people to understand?

I don't see a lack of compassion there. I see a mismatch in expectations and in thoughts of what would be appropriate. As the entire thread has shown, "going to someone's funeral' is not automatically a sign of compassion . Or respect, in fact. And support can happen in many different ways. As can the actual needs of those grieving.

But apparently anyone who doesn't think this is a possibility or we're allowed to experience that differently or feel differently on a case by case basis is some evil, immoral, ice-cold English person with a dysfunctional attitude to death or who supposedly doesn't care or understand and hasn't experienced anything about grief and bereavement.

Oh, and for the last time. There is no rule on who "funerals are for". It is not decreed. Yes, often the family and their loved one, but the family may or may not want a bunch of randoms to insert themselves into THEIR special ceremony for THEIR dead relative and may not actually find it either supportive or compassionate. Not hard to comprehend, but apparently comprehension that everyone isn't the same is not universal.

@Duckiewasthefirstniceguy I totally agree. For me it would be an invasion of privacy and not ok. This is the opposite of those saying it's basic human decency to show support by attending. It would not be for me and I know many others who feel the same. This does not make us bad, cold people. I want to grieve and mark the passing of my loved ones with people who loved them. That is all. I find it disrespectful that some refuse to respect that and want to pass cruel aspersions on my moral character. It's very narrow minded.

It's not completely irrelevant whether PIL know the parents if you are from a culture where people only attend funerals if they know the deceased. Customs vary. Why is that so hard to understand?

We were together 15 years+ before we got married (now 45 years). The "wedding" was a register office quickie with no reception which we considered not telling anyone but in the end we did and the parents came.
My in laws never drove or travelled outside of their small town. The parents and in laws never met again, there was no cross over between families, I really don't think that's unusual.
I think it's probably a measure of "Englishness" that DH would not have wanted my parents to go to his parents funeral .

Edited because life’s short

It’s really not that complicated. The OP is not from some ‘culture’ where only being besties with the deceased means you attend funerals. She’s been family with these people for the best part of a decade and was close enough five years ago to be helping out when her FIL had a stroke. Her PIL live nearby and know her well. The rest of the family attended.

OP may not be from a culture where only people who know the deceased quite well attend the funeral but it seems her PIL are from such a culture. And tbh, the fact that she has known them for nearly a decade doesn't mean her parents would be considered part of their family. I certainly don't consider my dds partners parents part of my family. I have never met them.

As life is short, why waste it being judgemental.?Your words are still there to be read.

Sorry for your loss @Pinkyroses08

I voted you were not unreasonable after your first post but I find your second post confusing as you write that your bils came and sil did too and sent flowers.
Are they your sisters’ husbands or your partner’s brothers ?

@ThreadneedleRoad
Are you a Galway girl by any chance?

Don’t have many truly close friends!

No, but I lived there for quite a while years back!

West is best 👌

I’m more of a South-wesht woman by birth.

I don’t think you’re making up lies - I think in grief, smaller moments often blur together. It sounds like she did mention it then, but was led by you but this was perceived by you as never mentioning it. I would see that differently and I strongly advocate people support their loved ones in difficult moments but this point seems really important to you and I don’t want to add to your distress. I’m glad you had such a good friend although of course very sorry you needed her for such a sad reason. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Well said @hihelenhi

I wouldn’t have attended any in law funerals, and I would expect any to attend those in my family.

Every funeral me, my husband, parents and in laws have been to? Discussions with the funeral director when planning my Dad’s funeral? Seeing other death announcements online?

Having had my Dad’s funeral a few weeks ago, loads of people came that weren’t in touch with us, eg colleagues from years ago before he retired, people he used to play sports with, former neighbours etc. All more than welcome and legitimately there. I think that’s normal?

OP, yanbu, particularly how good you were to his dad when ill.

People go to funerals for the living as much as respect for the dead.
A show of empathy.

Clearly it is a one way road in his family.
I would completely drop the rope going forward.

I would completely drop the rope going forward.

I wouldn't. That is petty.

I think the OP needs to establish, through her boyfriend, if necessary, whether his family thought it was inappropriate or intrusive to attend, or whether they genuinely didn'y give a toss, which I very much doubt because they did send flowers.