AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Did your in laws know your parents? Did they live nearby? If not I totally disagree that it is "normal" for them to go in all of England. You only have to look at many of the replies on this thread to see that.

Sorry for your loss. I voted YANBU, I think they should have come and support you and your DP.
It is poor form, it’s a major life event.
The concept of family is really very weird in England.

To you.

Yup and slso normal to do other things instead

To answer the annual leave question. as a pp said you can sometimes just pop into a removal after work. If you want to attend the funeral during the day, tbh if it's local I just pop out, and would only book leave if I had to travel. I got 5 days compassionate for a parent and 3 for a grandparent so that was easy. This has been the norm with all my employers in Ireland, funerals are such a part of every day life here that popping out for a half day to attend a funeral is looked at no differently to popping out to the dentist in every small business I have worked at.

YANBU at the very least they should have been there to support you and your partner and to pay basic respects. It doesn’t cost anything to show compassion.

The last funeral I attended cost me nearly £500 (hotel/travel/time off work)

I think it depends but my in laws would definitely attend and vice versa but they get on well with my parents.

This 100%

Hopefully some people might take posts on this thread on board as new knowledge and understanding and respecting that not every family does things the same, or has the same expectations. It doesn't even need to be a difference between which country you were born in. 'Cultural' is about the way you were brought up. You can be very different from your neighbour on the same street, your colleague, or - in this case - your partner and their family. It shows up in many ways, but obviously emotions are heightened with grieving.

Regarding the annual leave issue, my daughter is a teacher. At the time my mother died she had a difficult head. She needed a full day off to travel to the funeral and was given a very hard time over it.

But the OP and her partner weren't married.
I am not "judging" that in any way, but it is completely different scenario from what you are talking about.

When my dd got married, she had been with her partner 7 years but we had never met her parents socially (and we all live locally to one another). We met her Dad as he helped on the day they moved into their house 4 years before the wedding, but we only met them as a couple, and began to get to know them a little bit during the preparations for the wedding, then at the wedding, then when we were all invited round for tea and cake when they got the photos and video back.
As none of that had happened, it is perfectly feasible the OP's parents and her partner's parents hadn't met.

Apart from my Dad, husband, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew I couldn't tell you who was at my Mum's funeral. I was far too distraught to be ticking off a list of who was there and who was not.

OP, I am sorry for your loss. Losing my Mum was the worst day of my life. Please try to let it go. You are only causing yourself more sorrow and nothing can be done to change it now.

In this case the ILs live 15 minutes away though.

Sounds like a mismatch in expectations. My Dad did not go to my father-in-law’s funeral, I don’t think anyone expected him to - they hardly knew each other. I tend to ask a family member if they think it would be helpful for me to attend, then go with that - people are different

Sorry for your Loss,its really hard to lose a parent. Its understandable you are upset with your prospective in-laws but there could be many reasons they didn't attend. You mentioned your partners father had a stroke. My immediate thoughts were this could be the reason. Attending a funeral in support of the bereaved is honourable although not everyone who you would expect to attend feel strong enough. I would try for the sake of my future husband to let this one go. The only other option would be to allow this to jepordise your relationship with your in-laws for the rest of your life. This would inevitably put a strain on your marriage especially given their son would remain supportive & close to them. Wishing you all the best💐

But it doesn’t always - funerals are hard enough without having to make small talk with people you barely know

This is the weird thing in so many of these responses. It’s completely irrelevant whether your PiLs knew your parents — they know you, presumably. By attending the funeral of your parent, they’re showing support for you, the person who married their child.

This is a brilliant post.

Clearly, people have a mismatch in expectations.

I don't agree with posters saying that the OP's boyfriend's family didn't show any care. They sent flowers. It sounds like they felt that they weren't expected to attend the funeral.

Why didn't the boyfriend ask his family to attend? Did he even expect his family to do so?

Also, there are a lot of assumptions on this thread. Not everyone lives near their families, or even in the same country.

Distance prevented my parents from meeting DH's family after the wedding. They were also very, very different. The only things they would have had in common would be DH and me.

OP said they live 15 mins away in this case, but I agree with the rest.

YANBU
I feel funerals are for the living, not the dead. You go to support your friends and family and I think it's awful they didn't go. I've been to many funerals of people I had never met to be there for my friends and family who have lost somebody close to them. That's what funerals are about surely?

Sorry for your loss OP, but I don't think it's that unusual. Unless maybe they met each other regularly and knew each other quite well.

I would obviously go to support my husband if one of his family member is sick or for a funeral, but it wouldn't even cross my mind for my family to attend, and vice versa.

Edit: I don't think I would even want my in laws to attend a funeral in my family of someone they barely know - it would feel weird.
However I would do my best to attend a funeral in my husband's family if he or someone else's asks me / proactively invites me, and obviously want me there.

Funerals are still a bit of a taboo I find.
Im sorry for your loss, and you will be grieving through this for awhile, so don’t do anything hasty.

If they supported you, visits to your mum, then yes disappointing. Remember that often in the work place companies will not give leave of absence unless it’s a direct relation.
We recently attended a funeral where the daughter in law couldn’t get leave, so very hard for her and her husband who was a bearer to his fathers coffin.

We were asked if we would attend, and was grateful for the opportunity to support the family, but when my uncle died (same week!) we were informed by my cousin it wasn’t necessary to travel, so we didn’t, it was a three hour journey one way.

There are people who have lost many family members in a short space of time & they simply dont feel strong enough to attend another funeral if its another one close together,especially if its not a relative or close friend.

That's what funerals are about surely?

For you, maybe, but not for everyone. That's what we've been discussing for the last umpteen pages.

Morality is universal. So is compassion.
The argument seems to be: we didn’t really know the deceased. But funerals are not for the deceased, they are for the living, for those left behind.

Look, I get it, it’s culturally acceptable in England to not attend your in law’s funeral. But surely you’re supposed to support your daughter in law when she goes through a major loss if there is no major back story there. She is family, extended, but still family.

In my (non-English, non-European) culture, showing up to a funeral without an explicit invitation would be considered extremely disrespectful and very upsetting for the mourners. In laws would not be expected to attend and, if they just turned up, people would genuinely think they were crazy.

This is obviously not the case for the OP. But, stating that X is ALWAYS the moral/correct/compassionate option, regardless of cultural context, is rarely ever accurate.