AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Sorry about your mum OP. I too lost my mum to cancer and it's really traumatic. I agree I would have been very upset if my in laws had chosen not to attend her funeral (my in laws came without question), my brother and sister also offered to come but would have been difficult due to their self employed business.

I'm astonished by the amount of respondents to this thread saying that they wouldn't have attended/ in laws funerals/ shouldn't have to attend their child's parents funeral even if they knew them for a long period of time. Surely it's just basic courtesy and a show of solidarity for the family members, unless there's a genuine reason why they can't make it.

I'm English and while i can't speak for others, I don't think my approach to death is dysfunctional at all. I still would expect only those who knew my loved ones to attend their funerals. I would expect everyone else to comfort me away from the funeral. For me, the funeral is for talking and thinking about the deceased and they can't do that if they have never met them or barely know them.

Nope I’ve never attended a non family funeral. I’d go if a friend asked me.

In fact there has even been family funerals I haven’t gone to because I had long fallen out with that person and to me it felt it would be hypocritical to then go to their funeral as if I was upset they had passed away when they had zero baring or thought in my life for many years.

I’m glad you’ve decided not to cut them off completely, but I’m afraid I still think you’re being unreasonable. It's not as though they all ignored the sad event completely. Your DP's father sent you a text (which I agree is minimal) and your BIL and his wife sent you flowers but you still seem determined to feel insulted even by the flowers because there wasn't a message to go with them, as you feel there should have been. In their shoes you would have acted differently, but you’re not them. Maybe it’s just their family custom, not to go to funerals of people they hardly knew. Some people think that doing so would be intrusive.

You are planning to create a family rift, which is sad. I hope time will be a healer and you will soon feel better and be able to focus on your happy memories of your mum.

I absolutely would expect my in laws to attend my parent’s funerals.
I would be gobsmacked if they didn’t.
But I’m Irish.

I can’t believe most of these replies. I’m Scottish. You go to the funeral. They should have been at the funeral.

My own mum couldn’t attend her dad’s funeral. My dad’s parents both went - we weren’t even there but my dad’s parents went.

We go to funerals of our friend’s parents.
You go to the funeral of your children’s partner’s parents. They should have been there. Despicable that they didn’t bother to go.

@Holdmybeermoment I totally agree with you.

That's not creating a family rift,it's called having boundaries with people who don't bother to make an effort when you're bereaved.

@Pikachu150it is dysfunctional - lacking in empathy and full of “don’t know what to say so better say nothing”. Speaking from personal experience of how my employer reacted after my brother in law’s untimely death. Appalling and lacking in any sense of empathy or, to be honest, common decency.

I'm actually surprised at so maybe posters saying they wouldn't expect it. We recently had my mil's funeral and my own parents attended and id have expected it visa versa. They did know each other however so it'd have been strange if they hadn't, even if they didn't know one another id have expected it so that they were showing respect and support. I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

I think your reaction is a bit unusual and they probably have no idea how offended you would be. I think at least you should let them know you expected them and give them chance to explain or apologise.
In my family in laws wouldn't attend funerals. In fact they only met once at the wedding. In laws and outlaws don't usually mix ime.

Are you English?

I agree with this.
My MIL was very matter of fact when my mum died. She had lost a husband when she was only 27 and had three children under 6. She had also lost a child at 19, so it wasn't as if she was unfamiliar with death.

I remember her saying to me "you can talk about your mum as much or as little as you wish. Either is fine by me". I found that a comfort.

She also didn't believe in condolence cards. She didn't like receiving them or sending them, and that was also fine by me.

I wish people would stop with the judgements and saying that English people are weird about death. We just do things differently.

Maybe they all live in a close knit community. In my case my family were in the south east and DH's were in the north east, and neither had a car. They met just the once at our wedding. I didn't have DD until after both my parents had died.

We don't judge people who go to lots of funerals for people they barely know. I have supported and will continue to support close friends and workmates when they parents have died, but that doesn't involve a 6 hour journey and an overnight stay.

So please stop with being "shocked", "flabbergasted", "horrified" etc at how other cultures do things differently.

Besides, I doubt I would have been allowed to have so much time off work for all these funerals.

@Holdmybeermoment Yes, that probably explains it. DH and I were together 20 years before we married. The parents never met, lived in different towns, no reason to.
They met once at the wedding and never again. Not for any reason, they were all lovely kind people ( all dead now).

It’s not the funeral of a stranger. This was for the mum of their daughter in law. There is no world in which it’s normal to not bother to go to that… except for the English. And everyone else thinks it is very odd.

Actually it’s just their son’s girlfriend. Op isn’t even engaged. They sent a text and flowers.

I think they have shown they care by texting you and sending flowers and a card (which is more effort than a text). Did they know your mum and spend time with her? Was it clear that they had been invited to the funeral?
I would expect my partner to attend a family funeral of mine but not any of his relatives unless they also knew my relative, but that is just my own expectations and other people will think differently

But they did make an effort (in their eyes). Maybe they thought it would be rude and intrusive to turn up at the funeral.
Maybe the OP's boyfriend should have invited them to the funeral.

There is no one size fits all etiquette about funerals, and people aren't telepathic, so if there is an expectation about funeral attendance maybe this should be communicated.

Maybe that’s another difference then. Because after 9 years together, we Scots aren’t going “she’s just his gf actually, so we’re not going to bother.”

I’ve been with DH for nearly 20 years however our parents have never met so I wouldn’t expect them to come to each others funerals. Same for BIL/SIL who also have never met my parents.

If they knew each other well then I would assume they’d attend but otherwise it feels a bit weird to me to expect them to turn up.

There is no world in which it’s normal to not bother to go to that

Yes there is. It is very normal to me and many people, so don't judge.

What if they don’t know each other? That is a lot more common than you might think.

I'm really surprised at the overall consensus. In my personal opinion attending a funeral is about showing up for the grieving loved ones as much as showing respect for those that have died. My in-laws barely knew my parents but they came to support me. I fully understand your feelings, a very good friend of mine didn't come and I felt let down tbh. I think it might stem from the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot you'd show your support if at all possible. Try not to dwell on it for your own sake but if it makes you feel distant that's on them. I'm sorry for your loss, look after yourself 💐

It isn't anything to do with not knowing what to say so better to say nothing. I would expect friends and in laws to say a lot and support me. I just wouldn't expect them to go to the funeral as in my culture that is for people who knew the deceased. By definition, something is only "common decency" if it is common and expected.

You still go.