AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

It looks like better commication is the key here. If you want people to turn up don't just expect it, tell them.

If you were so comfortable and confident in the way your culture handles funerals then you wouldn’t care about any one else’s opinions. If you feel judged, maybe wonder why.

It's about showing your support for a bereaved friend/family member, so it really does not matter if they knew her mum or were close. Also it does not matter about your nationality-sure common decency is universal?

@Nonbio46

It’s not about being close to the deceased, it’s about supporting the remaining relatives.

But that's not a universal truism.

For some people, funerals are about being/having been close to the deceased.

It's unlikely that I would attend the funeral of someone that I hadn't been at least somewhat close to.

I think there should be space for multiple views regarding funerals. What's the norm for one person isn't the norm for everyone else.

This thread is quite bizarre. I get that if in your culture you go to funerals regardless of whether you knew the deceased but if that isn't your culture why would you expect or be upset that people who didn't know your loved one didn't go? Obviously you would expect empathy and support but why does it need to be at the funeral?

How in a 20 year marriage have each others parents not met? at the wedding. birthdays etc?
Unless there’s NC it seems odd to me.

I think this thread really shines a light on MIL problems!

@Holdmybeermoment

I think it's fine to challenge judgemental comments. Some of the statements are coming across as irritatingly self-righteous and intolerant of the fact that people/cultures vary and do things differently.

Just because some people take a certain approach to funeral etiquette doesn't mean it's the only normal or right way to do things.

So? They have been together for 9 years! We’re not in the Victorian times

Yes, i think it is interesting how much funeral etiquette varies. Not so good that people are so judgemental about customs that are different from theirs though.

My view of funerals is similar to yours I think.
I go to funerals to support those who have suffered the loss, regardless of how well I knew the person who has died (or even if I knew them at all). My friends do the same.

BUT, I do recognise that this isn’t necessarily the norm, so if people who didn’t have a close connection to the deceased don’t turn up, it is understandable.

I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope you have the support and space to grieve and recover.

It doesn't sound like they have given her support though, other than texting her partner which is not adequate in my view.And this is why resentment is building I think.

I agree that they haven't been supportive. A phone call, flowers, cards etc would be normal.

Whereas I had to argue for 2 days leave (unpaid as i was out of annual leave) to attend my Grandad's funeral with my then public sector employer.

Gosh, my in-laws came to my uncle's funeral. They had met maybe twice but theu came to pay their respects.

YANBU to feel disappointed. You see yourself as part of their family but they have shown that they don't see you as part of theirs.

How do you think they would react if your DP did say to them you were disappointed how little they have reached out to show their support?

My MIL died six months ago. My parents didn’t go to the funeral although they sent a sympathy card to my FIL, DH and his sisters. They barely knew my in laws - only met a handful of times and were quite different people so we didn’t encourage it. I don’t think they’d seen each other since we got married 15 years ago. Practically, they live some distance apart - a three hour drive or so. No one was offended.

I did encourage a couple of DH’s old university friends to attend (they would have met MIL a few times) to show support to DH, although neither did in the end, which I thought was slightly rubbish of them, so I do get that aspect of it. DH (who is more English than me) wasn’t fussed at all though and was slightly surprised I suggested they come.

I’m west African and I don’t think it’s odd at all. I’m from a country that’s considered warm and family oriented, but we still consider funerals to be small private events for only immediate family and very close friends. I’m pushing 40 and I’ve never attended one. It’s unlikely I will until a parent dies, which hopefully won’t be for a long time.

Occasionally there’s a Mumsnet thread that teaches me something. It would honestly never have occurred to me that different cultures viewed and treated funerals so differently. It’s been really eye opening!

What’s a bit disappointing is that, instead of approaching this in the spirit of learning, understanding and respecting this as a cultural difference, so many people are professing themselves to be disgusted at the very idea of people doing it differently. (I’m talking about the attitude of commenters, not the OP.)

@Pikachu150my employer explained that “The English aren’t good with death” and “don’t know what to say”.

I am literally saying what they - an English person - told me

Yes I agree.When my darling Mum died my MIL came to the funeral. It never occurred to me that she wouldn’t. Am so sorry OP ,Mums are so precious ❤️

Well this thread has made me think. I don’t think I’m cold and I like my sons in law but it would not have occurred to me to attend their parent’s funerals. It would have felt like an intrusion. I have also never attended the funerals of my friend’s parents. I have sent flowers or letters. In future I will ask if they would like me to attend. Also I really don’t know my children’s in laws all that well. I have met them on special occasions and had them visit me at home and have also visited them once.It was all very cordial but I don’t know them very well at all. They live a long distance away, we send Christmas cards. They are nice people.

This response perfectly describes my view. Thank you.

I've worked in a couple of churches. Funerals are very personal events.
Some people are "please ask everyone to come who knew them. The more the merrier."
Some are close family only, and they don't want it to be generally known because they aren't keen on people who aren't close turning up.

I've seen funerals with 300+ people. I've seen funerals with less than 10 people. Neither is better than the other.

Sometimes the funeral is arranged round second cousin coming back from New Zealand. Sometimes it's assumed that if sister wants to come from Australia she'll be told the dates and make it work for themselves.

Nothing is right or wrong. It's a personal choice.

And I'm looking at the comments on here about how ILs should turn up, or old school friends and wondering how those people know they should or shouldn't come.
I mean I'd be pretty unbothered about them coming in general. Only thing would be I'd feel I had to make an effort to talk to them etc. at a time when realistically I didn't have the head space to do that. I think I'd be touched by the thought, but overall probably prefer to get a text and flowers to show they were thinking of me.

I do have an IL that I would hate to turn up. I'd see them coming as performative and intrusive at a time when I'd be vulnerable.
How does someone know that they'd be seen as being supportive or if they'd be seen as intrusive?

So personally I'd probably prefer it to be people who knew them. Not people who are coming to support me. I'll ask the people I want to support me to come.
In the same way I'd assume if someone thought me being there was supportive, they'd tell me. Then I would make a huge effort to come (and did).

So if you feel someone should come to support you, tell them beforehand, not complaining afterwards.

how people SHOW common decency varies massively though

thank you for that excellent balanced comment

that doesn't mean that what they said was generally correct, just their experience....