AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

It's so interesting that cultural expectations regarding deaths and funerals can be completely different. Also so weird that many MNers are judgemental and genuinely can't seem to fathom that other people might prefer to do things differently and that this is OK. 'I'm shocked! I'm flabbergasted! that everyone in the world isn't exactly the same as me and doesn't want to do everything exactly the same! What's wrong with you people?!'

Personally I can't think of anything I'd have wanted less at my dad's funeral than a bunch of randomers who didn't even know him turning up and intruding on our family's grief, but clearly there are lots of people who would feel supported and extremely appreciative of that, and that's completely fine. We don't all have to do things in exactly the same ways and feel exactly the same as everyone else.

If his brother/SIL sent flowers they were thinking of you OP. I think it might be a case of different expectations within families? There seems to be quite different viewpoints on this thread.
I do understand why you’re hurt.

Obviously in order to attend the funeral?

Yes but I think it’s pretty standard to say yes. Most funerals aren’t secret.

So there is no limit? You can attend as many as you wish?

I find it strange that parents and in-laws don’t know each other really. But I’m from a culture where marriage is about families uniting. My parents made a huge effort to get to know my (English) in-laws and attended their funerals. I find it really odd that the in-laws and parents never meet after the wedding day, unless there is a toxic reason or huge distances separate them of course.

I do think in general that the approach to death in this country is more unhealthy than elsewhere. It’s barely talked about and people don’t like to say anything. They prefer to say ‘passed’ or ‘lost’ rather than ‘died’. Kids are often excluded from funerals is ‘it’s no place for children’ I feel so sad when people have had a child who died, and they say that friends and acquaintances cross the road to avoid them.

I think we could do with talking about death more from an early age. There is too much taboo and formality I feel. We are all going to die and so it is better talked about in my view.

what do you base that comment on?

It’s not about being close to the deceased, it’s about supporting the remaining relatives. People who haven’t experienced much death in their family will probably be oblivious to how much it means to the family for them to attend a funeral. Sorry for your loss op. X

I wouldn't go unless I knew the family better than to get information from a paper or other public source.

The brother sent flowers and the dad text.

I think it would change things if your partners real mum and dad were still together and you were all super close and they had met your parents. But it’s only his dad and step mum. They probably thought it wasn’t their place to go.

there you go again.
"people who haven’t experienced much death in their family will probably be oblivious to how much it means to the family for them to attend a funeral"

People need to learn how to do it right....... how many deaths does it take to pass the exam?

It would be the opposite for me and my (English/British) family. I wouldn’t expect people to attend to support me - they would do that in other ways.
i would be confused if people attended a funeral who didn’t know the person well who had died.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I can understand why you are upset, I would expect my long term partner's family to attend the funeral unless there was a very good reason they couldn't attend.

me too.

It varies a lot. My MIL is close friends with my DM, as I said earlier, but she barely knows my BIL’s MIL at all.

This comes across to me as so condescending. I've lost both my parents, both my step-parents, all my grandparents and my DH, among other losses, and I still wouldn't go to a funeral unless I'd known the deceased person well. And I wouldn't in a million years have expected people who didn't know my relatives to attend their funerals and I wouldn't have felt 'supported' even if they did.

I'm sorry OP for your loss and can understand your hurt by your future in-laws not attending your mum's funeral.

I'm in Ireland and when my dad died (many years ago) my soon to be husband's mum and sister attended the funeral (even though they had never met my parents at the time). When my mother in law died a few years ago my mum and sisters attended her funeral (they had only met a couple of times).

For both funerals, attendance from family members was to show support for their adult child and partner's loss. It would be very much practiced here in Ireland and while some might not attend, it is very much appreciated by family members when you do attend.

Sending you big hugs OP.

I think we could do with talking about death more from an early age. There is too much taboo and formality I feel. We are all going to die and so it is better talked about in my view.

I think you're confusing thinking that people who don't place huge importance on funeral attendance are somehow trying to avoid death.

In my experience, the people who are big on attending funerals and very keen to be seen doing the right thing are not necessarily the people who are most supportive or open about death.

My husband's family had a very traditional funeral for his father with no idea about what his wishes were because they'd never talked about death despite his terminal cancer diagnosis. My family on the other hand, have regularly talked about what people want/don't want. We're not big on funerals (or weddings or christenings for that matter!)

Yes: the English approach to death is pretty dysfunctional.

I agree...but it can work the other way also..

When my sister's FIL died me and my mum assumed we would go to his funeral, but my sister said it's not a freak show and wasn't sure we should attend as we'd only met her FIL a handful of times. My mum was perplexed and said she wanted to go to show support....in the end we went and sister's MIL was very grateful we'd come.

Any of my family didn’t attend my partners dad funeral i wouldn’t have expected it. athey didcontact my partner and send condolences etc.

l would expect it would be the same vice versa. Of course all families are different.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter, that shouldn’t have happened to you and I’m so sorry life has dealt you this ❤️ I hope you are able to find some joy looking back on photographs and memories of your time together x

That’s what I was trying to get across in my post. Any support is appreciated when you’re going through a loss.

Can you really not envisage why two families who live hundreds of miles apart from each other, involving a six and a half hour journey (no car) involving a tram, two trains and two buses might not meet up for a cup of coffee?

I'm talking about the days when the only means of contact was the telephone or a letter.