AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Agree with others, I wouldn’t expect my ILs to come to my parents funeral. Not unless the were super close, and even then, people don’t have to go.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

As you can see on here it seems that most posters(I'm assuming white, english) wouldn't see this as out of the ordinary. If you are of a similar background perhaps that might help you understand why they didn't come. What would be inexcusable is if they didn't offer you condolences or check in with you even if it was a card, flowers or just a text to let you know that there was no obligation to talk if you weren't able or wanting to but just to let you know they were thinking of you.

I'm south asian so for me I absolutely wouldn't be hurt by this too. When my lovely father in law passed my parents came to the funeral as did one of my siblings, aunt and one of my cousins. However in Asian families a wedding is seen as two families coming together so not just two people. My other two siblings came later to check in on my dh and popped over to see my mil.

I live in Scotland and attitudes here towards funerals are more similar to what I was bought up with.

She never mentioned it unless i did and I didn't. It was a "waiting for the shoe to drop" situation and just once before the shoe dropped she said to tell her if I needed anything. To be clear they weren't fun nights out....more like quiet relaxation.

I am sorry that you don't believe me because of course I make up lies about my husband's death for the fun of it.

That’s why i said or online. If you want to find out funeral details you just search the name of the deceased online. Also funeral directors will usually post the details on their website. Someone was implying there is no way of finding out funeral details without asking the family and I am saying there clearly is (many people came to my Dad’s recent funeral after seeing the arrangements/announcement online or in the paper).

I know about them, just we never used them and never looked at them and still don't.

I think you have to ask for or at least give permission for this.

I buried mum two weeks ago and SIL and BIL travelled up for it without being asked . My mum was the last of the parents , I had attended their parents as well

But that's how we roll over here in Ireland , we attend funerals when we can and if we cant get time away from work we attend the wake , no matter how tenuous the relationship with the deceased was

However when I lived in London, I would never have attended a funeral to which I wasnt asked to attend , it would never have occurred to me

They aren't your in-laws and unless they knew your mum well I can't see why they would attend her funeral. I am sorry for your loss and I think it's understandable that you are feeling sensitive but they haven't done anything wrong or unusual.

It used to be by word-of-mouth, or death notices read out on local radio etc. These days it’s still word of mouth but also in Ireland we have a website called rip.ie where all the arrangements will be listed. When you hear of a death now that’s where you go to check the times. And it’s fast here usually. If someone dies on a Friday the funeral will probably be Sunday or Monday (unless a post mortem is required or close family are travelling from somewhere like Australia which might delay things).

But if you wanted to find details of a funeral you might force yourself to look, right?

In my experience it is pretty standard.

I am sorry your Mum has gone.

With respect, if your in-laws didn't see your Mum when she was around, then it seems strange to go to her funeral. Supporting you in words or deeds (the text, a card, a meal, practical help) is more appropriate. They were probably trying to avoid being in your way.

Funerals are hard aren't they - no guest list and sometimes private and sometimes open to all. Recently had to ask a friend whether we could attend her father's funeral (knew him for 20 years) as she hadn't publicised details ...

The loss of a parent, usually, is a significant cause of upset and stress. I think they should have been there to spport you AND your DP of 9 years. Its good for family relations. Now you know, you can decide how you will show up for them during significant challenges in life... or not.

If they knew one another for a decade, are in good health and live a reasonable distance away, then yes I would expect them to attend.
My in-laws ignored my only living relatives death (not including DH and DC) despite Mil and sil being the type that sends a card for any and every occasion. I’ve stepped back from them really - DH can organise his own birthday/Mother’s Day flowers…funnily enough they’ve tailed off since🤣

I'd know where to look. Can't imagine why I would though.

in the cases of my parents and my husband, we were asked if we wanted it. Different funerals in different places.

I'm really sorry for your loss but unless your parents and PIL are in the same city and more in the same social circles so know each other separately from via your relationship I would not expect in-laws at most funerals.

My DH's dad died a few years ago and my parents sent my widowed MIL a card and made a condolences phone call but no more than that was expected. Likewise when one of my siblings' PIL died - we expressed sympathy to the bereaved but these are people we met once at our family member's wedding and don't otherwise have much to do with. We know the MIL of one of my siblings slightly better because she sometimes joins us when that sibling hosts the family for Christmas (she is divorced not widowed) but we still barely know her and wouldn't expect to go to her funeral when she dies.

Your grief is overwhelming you and understandably so - probably your mum was second only to your DP in how important she was to you and losing her is devastating but your expectations for how other people are affected are unreasonable. The only interaction that most people in your PIL situation usually have with a funeral like this would be to offer to provide childcare if there are babies/toddlers too young to understand what a funeral is, and they do it because there's no expectation that they are grieving or would want/be expected to attend themselves.

I have been to precisely one funeral where the PIL of a child of the deceased were there and I remember noticing that this was unusual at the time, but in that case the partner of my friend was himself not very well and it became obvious that his parents were there mainly to support him so that my friend didn't have to deal with supporting her DP at the same time as grieving her mum.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Did your in-laws acknowledge your mum’s passing, with a card and flowers? If not, I’d personally find that unforgivable. But I wouldn’t expect them to attend the funeral. You have your husband for that x

I buried my mum just two weeks ago and having a chapel full of people who knew and loved me and DH gave me the strength to get through the day

Even my direct boss, and the owner of the parent company ( the one who pays my wages ) came.

Some of the attendees had never met mum, but they knew me and my DH and they came for us - that's support

Sorry, your partner.

Yes. I have done that, but it has always been a local friend or a workmate, so I haven't had to travel and stay overnight.

I'm surprised at posters being "shocked" and "flabbergasted" that inlaw parents who have met each other only once and live hundreds of miles apart from each other would not attend the funerals of their SIL/DIL's parents.

It has nothing to do with being cold or heartless. It just isn't expected, and it isn't wrong, so please stop judging.

Sorry for your loss @Pinkyroses08 💐

Don’t do anything in haste OP I find that different people have vastly different expectations on what the norm is depending on their own family background. So for some people they would perceive going to your mum’s funeral (if they didn’t know her personally even if they are close to you) as intruding. So it may not be a deliberate slight from your in laws as you perceive it to be because of your own sense of what is proper on these occasions. Condolences on your loss.

OP didn’t say that her PIL live hundreds of miles away though?
We’re not sure, but given that she’s so disappointed in them, my guess is that they live considerably closer.

My god I wasn’t expecting this level of replies. I’m from north east England. All my close friends came to support me but it was sad non of my in laws made the effort. My brothers in laws were all there including his SIL there partners. My partner is a twin, and they lost their mum when they were 13, so they know how hard it is (their mum and dad were divorced when this happened) but I haven’t had anything bar one text from his dad and stepmam and some flowers and a note with them from his brother and SIL (no text).
Whole thing has blown my mind completely and whilst I appreciate cultural differences, them showing no support to me has made me feel like shit and not apart of any supportive family unit. When his dad had a stroke about 5 years ago I was running about getting stuff in for him and he can’t make the effort for me? Btw they all live a 15 min drive away from me.
I don’t think I’ll go to the extreme of removing them from social media but I will not be making any effort whatsoever with any of them ever again.