AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

Interesting how families work! I didn’t realise the cultural differences would be this significant. In my culture, you would attend the funeral of people you don’t know wells if the bereaved person is someone you know or care about

In Northern Ireland, in laws would DEFINITELY attend. It would be considered very poor form and weird if they missed it.

YABU. Unless you all had dinner together once a week or something, I can’t think of why in-laws would attend a parents funeral. Never happened with us and we would never have expected it.

Well I’m British and not given to displays of sentimentality and I’m finding this odd. Does no one ever go to a friends parents funeral when they don’t really know the parent but you go to support your friend? It’s not always about knowing the person who has died.

My Dad died last month. My husband’s parents came to the funeral but not his brother, who lives far away and I didn’t expect to. My brother’s parents in law and sister in law did not attend. They had met my Dad quite a few times over their 16 years marriage and obviously have shared grandchildren etc but they weren’t close and didn’t feel that they needed to be there to show support. It’s not how my family would have viewed it and if it were the other way around my parents would have gone to their funeral but everyone is different around funerals and I don’t think you can hold that against them.

Wow when my dad died I was not married to my DH, but he and my FIL came. FIL had not met my dad at that point but was keen to pay his respects. My family were deeply grateful for anyone who came, and honestly out of everyone it was my now FIL who really helped me that day to keep it together.

yes I went to my friend’s brother’s funeral to support her.

I'd be shocked and upset too OP. I'm Irish though, we do funerals differently. When my dad died my partner's parents drove me to the funeral and were by my side all day. My partner's aunt and uncle showed up to pay their respects. I'll never forget their faces in the rain outside the church. It meant so much. None of them had ever met my dad.

no. I don't and wouldn't. I would definitely ask if there was anything i could do to deal with the surrounding practicalities though.

My question is the opposite - how do you know when and where the funeral is if you’re not close to someone? When my friend’s mum died suddenly I wanted to go to the funeral and support her, but I felt dreadful messaging her to ask for the details when she was dealing with so much.

Really?! Do you not have notices in the paper with the funeral arrangements so that their next door neighbour from 20 years ago can see it and then attend? I’ve never heard of invites for a funeral.

Death notices online and in the local paper?

Replying to my own comment as I’ve now read multiple posts saying this wouldn’t happen in Scotland and wanted to say that my brother’s in laws are very much Scottish and my Dad’s funeral was in Scotland.

I could not have bourne it if anyone had done that.

have never done that or known it done for any family member or in law.

i think this is cultural so may depend where the op is from. In England (not sure about the rest of the uk), people tend to only go to the funeral if they knew the person. However in Ireland and in France (these are the lived experiences I have) people go to the funeral if they knew someone close to the person who died. So you would definitely go in this case and it would be strange if they didn’t.

I would love to support everybody I know well who is bereaved, and go to the funeral. But I simply wouldn’t have to get annual leave to attend all these funerals. How do others manage?

I don’t know what to tell you. “Family Announcements” aka the “Hatched, matched and dispatched” columns in local papers (or online) are a pretty well known thing?

I wouldn’t expect my in laws to go to my parents funerals.

i live in a European country where there is a very different funeral etiquette to the UK, and you would turn up at a funeral to support the living, even if a minor connection. A work colleague in a different department’s DS died and loads of work colleagues went even though they had never met the son. Same with my DHs university friends dad died, my DH had never meet the dad but there was an expectation that some of the uni group would go ( and they did).

I personally would hate any of my work colleagues or in laws to go to my parents funerals, but all cultures have such different expectations.

How do people get so much leave from work to attend?

We had a private funeral for ds. Just 25 of us there.It wasn't announced anywhere.

There are often two ceremonies in Ireland,one is called a removal or a wake and takes place in a funeral parlour or home of the deceased.This is generally held at about 4-6pm if it falls during the working week. Funerals are the same as UK, you ask for leave. If it isn't someone very close to you ,you'd generally attend one or the other.

I'm in the UK and have never been turned down by an employer when I've asked to attend a funeral. It is discretionary leave.

But nobody reads local papers any more, if they even exist!

everyone is - and I can see how your friend’s support would have been lovely for you, but I still don’t believe she has never once mentioned your loss. I think asking someone how they would like to be supported and doing that is a good way to go. But as you say everyone is different and the majority of people would find it difficult to be invited out for a fun night out without ever checking it’s what the person wants. I’m glad you have such a wonderful friend!