AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

I’m on the slightly different side to this in that it was my MIL who passed away and none of my family attended. Now in their defence it was quite a distance to travel, but they do occasionally travel that distance and further for hobbies. So I was very annoyed.

I posted on our family WhatsApp that she had died and everyone sympathised but that was it, nothing further from any of them.

When people tell you who they are, listen. I will never put myself out for any of them again.

Agree with this quite shocked with the responses so far. Is it a cultural difference? I would always go to a funeral to support the person still here if it was family or close friend with a loss. For example my cousins grandparents who I knew but not very well. I’d be very upset too but that would never happen in my circumstances. Sorry to you op.

No it isn't really.

My parents met DH's mum and stepfather just the once - at our wedding. They lived several hundred miles apart, and DD was born many years after my parents died, so they would have had no way of getting to know each other. They exchanged Christmas cards, but that's all.

It never occurred to me to expect MIL to attend either of my parents funerals. She wouldn't have been able to afford the travel and hotel stay for a start.

Its horrible but for a lot of people unless they were friends, then they dont feel the need to attend. My mothers parents didnt attend my fathers parents funerals, not because they didnt care about my father but because they didnt feel they were close enough to them, so it wouldnt be appropriate. Both sets of Grandparents were born in the 1920's. My father didnt have a problem with this.

To your IL's it is "Our sons GF's mum" so in fact they may feel that they would have been overstepping to attend.

I am so sorry that you lost your mum xx

Irish person here. I am absolutely gobsmacked that people think it's okay for your in laws to just not turn up. I am honestly completely flabbergasted
. I know English funerals are odd with people feeling they need to be invited and them to be weeks later but this is just bizarre to every ounce of my being. I'm so sorry they didn't support you a d I hope you can get over it but I would certainly reevaluate what I'd do for the them in the longer term. But that does seem to be par for the course in England and USA

I love my inlaws but no it wouldn't bother me in this situation and no I am not going to be dictated to just go along with a certain train of thought

it was my MIL’s funeral a few weeks ago. Both my parents attended, along with my sister and her husband. They came for my husband as they love him and wanted to support him on a difficult and challenging day.

None of my family had any relationship with MIL. She was a difficult woman who actively pushed people away.

I’m bewildered that people wouldn’t want to help and support someone they love.

I'm wondering if this is a cultural thing as well because I'm shocked at these replies. I would absolutely expect them to have attended and been quite hurt if they hadn't.

I'm in ireland and you don't only go to a funeral because you know the person who passed, you go to support the people you know who have lost someone, especially if it's someone close to them like a parent. I'd even go to a colleagues parents funeral ffs.

Same!

Just because other folk have different cultural expectations from yourself, does not make them either weird or cold.

MN is a great forum for learning about the different experiences and expectations of people different from ourselves.

Perhaps you could try having more of an open mind and being less rude and offensive just because some people have a different cultural experience from you.

I think you're going through intense grief and I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

When my dad died my in-laws didn't come, they'd never met him. They all came to our house a couple of weeks later, siblings included, and not one even acknowledged his passing, my grief, or the situation.

It compounded my feelings and pain. In hindsight, I don't care. My loss, they will never understand and they will never have the privilege of that situation with my dad. I was gutted because I loved him and was grieving him. But I relised they are nothing compared to him, to me. So it doesn't matter.

In other words, let it pass. You are grieving and your emotions are heightened. When people grieve they, like me, often find detail and intensity where there doesn't need to be.

Forget it and be kind to you. It's hard enough to live each day well at present so forget, you don't need extra hurt. ❤️

If you all lived close and socialised a lot together, that is weird. The only times I've heard of people not going was when there was family estrangement, like one case where someone only invited her own parents round/did things for them, and treated the other grandparents as second class citizens, and the other case was the in-laws had moved abroad and had genuine health issues. Most of the time, when both sets of grandparents pop round all the time, you'd think they'd know each other really well, so it seems odd.

I completely understand your resentment. My in laws and my parents were pretty close, lots of holidays together every year & many many social occasions. They have known my parents for 26 years. My dad passed last year, completely unexpected, it took them 2 weeks to contact my mum. I was fuming at them. I really had to bite my tongue. But they did finally send a card but I don't know, it left quite a bad feelings towards them which I do struggle with even now.

Yes, there's some deep cultural difference. I can't even envision how it could be considered ok for in laws not to attend, but in England it's fine apparently.

You see, I just find this bizarre. Your son laws has suffered a huge loss, and it doesn't occur to you to go support him in his grief?

What? That is basic family duty to attend, even if they never met.Thats absolutely disgraceful that they have not been in contact with you. I’m shocked.

Having said all that, I’m Irish and understand that we go to funerals all the time and you in-laws might be very different about funerals, but they still should be sympathising with you.

Thank you. Some of the ignorant, judgemental comments on here from people telling others how they're supposed to feel about their own relatives' funerals and how they are 'allowed' to grieve and whether they see having a lot of people around as support or intrusion are unbelievably rude. Lots of small-minded presumption as well, that if you don't go to the funeral, you're not "supporting". There are many ways to be kind and supportive. As we keep saying, it depends on the people involved

But "Shocked" are they? "Flabbergasted?" And that's "all about respect" - is it?

Doesn't sound like it from some people's comments on here. Incredibly intolerant, incredibly ignorant, calling people "weird" for not necessarily finding it "supportive" or "respectful" to have a whole lot of people descending (because, yes, some people REALLY don't find it helpful on the day, just stressful), and no, behaving like you're owed it and describing any grieving relative who finds it overwhelming in the middle of THEIR grief as "weird" is not remotely respectful. As you say, utterly condescending. Including to those of us who have lost close relatives recently and wanted to honour them in our own ways and did. And yes, we still got plenty of support. In lots of different ways. Jesus.

But again, to OP. I wouldn't cut them off for this, no, unless it's part of a much wider pattern of treating you as 'lesser', it's almost certainly not been deliberately done or intended as rude, just likely seen very differently, that's all, and perhaps not wanting to intrude.

It’s unthinkable here in Ireland that this would happen. The whole world had lost the person.

But isn’t there often a dual purpose for attending a funeral - to either honour the dead or to support the living.

I’d have been surprised if your intended in-laws hadn’t of attended. If they hadn’t had any sort of relationship with your late mum, they should, imo, have been there to support & comfort you in your loss.

My late MIL arrived the morning after my darling Mother died, she simply opened up her arms to me. I’ll never forget her loving compassion. I hope you have loving people around you.

I think you’re describing two different things though. The grieving person is of course entitled to feel however they feel, and that may include wanting or not wanting support, company etc. But the people around the grieving person - that is, those who are not themselves grieving - should express some love and compassion imo. A text from the FIL and nothing else was all OP had. I think that’s pretty callous. If they didn’t want to intrude that’s fine, but they can ask their son what to do for the best, and he can ask OP, or pass on condolences or offers of help or support or whatever. I don’t think it’s weird to not want to hear from people when one is grieving, but I do find it weird that someone wouldn’t reach out to a family member (because after 9 years OP is a family member by extension) in a respectful and polite way.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, how well did they know your Mum? Xx

YANBU, and I'm so sorry for your loss. My inlaws came to both DP's funerals and my MIL made a fuss of me on a milestone birthday after my DM died. I wasn't expecting that at all but was touched by it.

I agree with you OP. My seperated parents came to my father in laws funeral recently and that is how everyone I know would do it too. I’m shocked at the people that wouldn’t go. It’s not about not knowing your mum, it’s about going to show support to you too. Someone they do know!

My parents didn't go to my in-laws funerals but they had only met a few times and lived 300 miles apart. In DHS family, in-laws frequently go to funerals but they mostly live in the same small area and know each other socially, through work etc.

I don’t think it’s intended as coldness though. More a sense that it would be, as others have said, inappropriate to attend the funeral of someone you weren’t close to. I think in England theres always the possibility that the bereaved family might be thinking ‘why is she here’ if you turned up at a funeral where you hadn’t known the deceased person well.i id even be worried if might seem kind of creepy or narcissistic and intrusive, like you’re taking someone’s grief and making it about yourself, or just being nosy. But I guess that applies more to say a friend or colleagues parents funeral, if you’d only met the deceased person a handful of times if at all.
I know that all seems odd to people from other cultures. But the other thing is, because there isn’t a cultural kind of obligation to attend funerals, most workplaces I’ve worked at would be quite off about missing work for a funeral, if the person wasn’t someone obviously close like a family member. Whereas in other countries it seems to be acceptable to miss work for the funeral of someone you didn’t know well.