AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

But funeral attendance would be to support OP.

I think you should take some time before making any decisions on this. You are obviously grieving now and may feel differently later on. They may not have known whether they should attend or may have wanted to but felt that it might be inappropriate. I would be inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt if they are otherwise supportive.

I'm also Irish and there is definitely a cultural difference at play here. Even if my parents didn't know my in-laws they would absolutely still go to the funeral if they could - to show their love and support for DH (and me too). Doesn't really matter so much how well they know the in-laws.

They showed you that you are all in-law and not so much daughter. My in-laws came to my mother's funeral and I really appreciated it. I don't blame you for not wanting to invest in them when they showed you no thought or care at your most painful time.

I think this thread has really highlighted the cultural differences around this. I genuinely cannot imagine a situation in which DH’s or my parents would attend each others’ funerals (a jumbled up sentence, but hopefully you get what I mean). And we wouldn’t want them to, tbh. It’s a completely alien concept to me.

Kindly, but I think you are expecting a lot unless they had a close relationship. My MIL was offended I didn’t attend my husband’s godfather’s funeral (I had met him only once, several years before he died). When my mother died she said not one word. Frankly, that got to me. But even then I didn’t expect her to turn up yo the funeral - she’d only met my mother once before.

In what way would it support her though?

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

My in laws would 100% attend my parent's funeral. They're not close with my parents, but they would come to support me/my OH who would in turn be supporting me, and I know they'd help with our children on the day and any logistical tasks they could take off my plate. My brothers and sisters in law would come too.

For context, I've been with my OH just a couple of years longer than you OP and you and I are about the same age.

I can completely understand why you're so hurt. I would feel like it said a lot about how your in-laws feel about you.

That being said, not everyone has the same expectations in these scenarios and your in-laws not attending might not be a reflection on how much they care for you. Like I can't imagine my parents feeling like it was normal for them to attend my one of my in-laws funeral. My in-laws are much more family-orientated than my family.

Did you or your OH explicitly invite your in laws and make it clear their attendance would mean a lot to you? They might not have known it did.

My in laws came to my dad’s funeral and my mum’s response was, “Why did they come?”

So I think it’s not a given that people that distantly related would come, however they may feel about you.

That thing where we kind hug and back pat and go there there, there there. Say sorry for your loss. Like you can’t do that in a text or card.

The fact they didn’t offer words of support or anything is horrendously rude and it would upset me a lot.

my in-laws came to my mum’s funeral including BIL. They travelled a long distance and had to pay for accommodation which would have been a stretch for them. It was immensely comforting. We were married 10 years at the point and together for 15.

sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t expect my dh’s family to attend funerals of my family or vice versa unless they had a relationship with them which they don’t, they have met my parents once, at our wedding

This. I wouldn’t take all these replies saying it’s fine they didn’t come as gospel, there are some weird / cold family dynamics on MN.

I find this so strange!

So strange! And I am English….

They don't need to go to the funeral to do that though.

I agree with you 100%

Yeah are you from NI or Ireland?
So, in my opinion, when someone goes to a funeral, they are yes there to pay their respects to the person that has died, but also, they are there to offer support to the family who are grieving.
my granda got on a plane for the first time in his life when my aunts MIL died, just so he could attend a funeral in another country. A man who had never left the country and had only met the person who died once, because he wanted to show his respects. His respects to the woman who had raised the man who married his daughter and to show his SIL some support.
it’s just decency really, we are from NI though and they were living in wales - I do know they all came over though when my granda died too.
from another point of view, my other aunts husband from England didn’t come over when my Granny died. And he was actually quite contrary about the whole thing and didn’t see anything remotely different about not attending his MIL funeral so yeah I don’t know, it really may be a cultural thing!
(from a massive family of aunts and uncles who have married outside the country so thought the differing approaches might shed some light)

I’m shocked by a lot of these comments. I’d be so upset if my inlaws didn’t come to my parent’s funerals! I remember my mum’s parents at both my dad’s parents funerals and they had to drive 3 hours each way to be there, they wouldn’t have missed it.

Do people not go to funerals to support the living family that are left? I’ve been to many funerals where I haven’t really known the person that passed but to support the family members. This is normal?

I think it's sad they didn't support you on the day and unfortunately if they felt awkward about it, it's sometimes easier to give things a miss, the British way. I would have thought though to send you a sympathy card or some sympathy flowers when you lost your mum, or even to tell you their door is always open if you need them would've gone a long way, even if didn't want to go to the funeral. While I understand not going to a funeral of a lady they do not know, I don't understand why they couldn't support you in other ways, the lady they do know.

People can be strange when it comes to things like this.

Sorry for your loss OP, and am hopeful that you have others to lean on instead.

I can understand you feeling hurt. My FIL passed away during lockdown one. Both my parents came to the funeral and drove around 4 hour round trip to be there as they couldn't stay. They were there to support me and my husband as well as MIL. They are Welsh.
Others in my family sent cards and flowers too. It's just a nice thing to do. Just a bit of support and care.

I take the attitude that you attend a funeral to support the family of the deceased. We have been to the funeral of parents of our friends to support our friends and they have done the same for us.

Unless you specifically told your DP that you would like his parents there, or unless your DP asked them to come, them not attending is not unusual - unless they had known and befriended your parents.

So I think they behaved in an acceptable manner and that you needed to invite them.

I was just going to respond to ask if the OP is not from the UK! In my experience, funerals in the UK are for immediate family whereas in other countries - Ireland, at least - funeral attendance is a community obligation and people with even the most superficial connection to a deceased person will try to make it to their funeral unless there is some exceptional reason not to, like illness or living far enough away where you would have to get a flight to be there. I can't think of very many acceptable reasons in Ireland not to attend the funeral of someone you know.

'Someone you know' could be anyone from in-laws to third cousins or just a guy you used to work with years ago whose wife's cousin's aunt used to live nextdoor to you.

It never once occurred to any of us that my parents should go to my FIL's funeral; likewise when my father died no-one expected my MIL to go. The same applied to brothers and sisters in law. I really think you are reading far too much into this.