AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

not strangers exactly and they did meet up occasionally at ours but they were very very unalike and didn't have a relationship outside of being the parents of my husband and myself. People don't choose their life partner on the basis that the parents will become friends. Its nice when they do of course.

@Olliepollie23
Im Scottish too, I have just commented similarly, I’m taken aback at the odd replies and quite cold attitudes.
It’s not if you knew the person but showing support to your loved ones.
A lot of cold fish on here.

Finding the replies here bizarre - of course your in laws should come to your mum’s funeral! I would be extremely hurt too and likewise very cross with own parents if they didn’t go to DHs parents’ funerals

This is really touching - goes to show a relatively small gesture can be so meaningful

People on mum are so ridiculous or they just trying to be weird. Yes it's extremely odd that they did not attend. Yes that is upsetting. You're probably upset anyway so it's making it worse. Sending hugs.

yes I did. I really did. My best friend used to invite me around to have a glass of wine and she would talk about anything other than what I was going through, local gossip, what her teenage kids had been up to.....anything but what I was dealing with or going through. it was the best support she could have given me. Everone's grief is different.

No, I don’t think that’s odd. They aren’t your in laws anyway. If they weren’t actually friends with your parents then I wouldn’t expect them to go at all.

I think it’s very strange they didn’t attend . Even if they didn’t know your parents well they should have attended to show support for you. Yanbu

My parents live almost 2 hours by car from my in laws, with whom they have no shared interests, and completely different tastes in food, music, entertainment, books, activities and holiday destinations. They don't dislike each other but DH and I see no reason to force people in their 70s to travel long distances to make awkward small talk just because we got married.

Where are you from? In Ireland it would definitely be the norm for some of the in laws to attend the wake and funeral, unless it was private. It would be very unusual for effort to be limited to one text. Id be hurt.

It isn't extremely odd if they didn't attend if it's not expected for people to attend unless they knew the deceased quite well.

I think it’s disrespectful. They should be there to show support for you and I would feel as you do. My friend had never even met my mum but came to her funeral service. Meant a lot to me.

Beliefs or expectations? How about the basic human decency of being a part of someone else’s family for 9 years and them barely acknowledging you’ve lost your dear Mum?
Even if they didn’t know op’s dm that well, purely as support for op and their own Son they would go or at the very least show support in other ways?
I haven’t been on MN very long but I still get shocked at how cold some people on here can be.

when my mum died I would have felt like it was overstepping for my in-laws to pitch up at the funeral.

I’m not surprised you’re upset. All my in laws came to my dads funeral and I fully expected them to

They should definitely have acknowledged it with card and flowers. I don't think it is basic human decency to attend the funeral though. It wouldn't cross my mind to attend dd's partners parents' funeral. I have never met them and they live a few hundred miles away. I am sure her partner wouldn't expect me to go either.

Had they even met your Mum? I don't have in-laws but it sounds it bit weird to me to attend your son's girlfriend's Mum's funeral.

I personally would expect my in laws to attend my parents funeral as they have a relationship and it’s about family support. But that may be a cultural thing idk

Mine would cancel holidays for it. As would my parents. They would not dream of not being there.

I’m really sorry for your loss.

Did your in laws know your mum well? My in laws came to my dad’s funeral but they knew him well.

Not everyone goes to a funeral to support the people that are grieving the loss. I’ve lost a couple of family members, and some friends came to support me, while other equally close friends didn’t. If your in laws didn’t know your mum, it might not have occurred to them that you would appreciate them coming along.

You’re grieving and understandably upset, but unless there’s some back story, I’d say don’t fall out with your in-laws over this, it’ll only lead to more problems in the future.

There are two main parts where I am…the wake (at home) or removal (in a funeral home) the evening before, and the funeral mass followed by burial or cremation the following day.
If you don’t know a person/the family well or if you can’t get time off work you’d probably attend the wake/removal part.
For a DIL’s parent I’d personally attend both parts if possible though.

I wouldn't - and didn't - expect my in laws to come to my mum's funeral. I'd been with my partner 15 years when my mum died.

I lost my Mum at a similar age to you also due to cancer and had been with my husband for around 10 years. There was no mention of in-laws coming. I can’t remember if they sent a card or anything but they’re very much into attending funerals usually, so I don’t know why they didn’t go. I probably just didn’t invite them and I’m glad they weren’t there if I’m honest. They’re fine, but weren’t my mums friends. I’m sorry about your Mum

Sorry for your loss. I expect your feelings are all over the place at the moment.

Anger (often irrational anger) is recognised as being a normal part of the grieving process. However, YABU to be angry at your in-laws.

You've not come back to the thread to say, but, as you don't yet have dc, and you haven't had all the birthday parties etc that entails, nor have you had an engagement let alone a wedding, then it seems likely your parents and his parents haven't had many occasions to spend time together and really don't know each other, so I wouldn't expect them to go to the funeral.

I am aware there may be a cultural difference here. I have an Irish friend who would rock up to the funeral of their local shopkeeper's Nan if they heard they had died. That isn't the culture for the majority of the UK however.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mum.

Yes, I would be hurt too. Wondering if perhaps it’s a cultural thing. I’m Welsh and we would definitely do the same as the Irish and Scottish posters on here and attend. It’s a mark of respect. I would find it really odd if they didn’t attend, unless they had a reasonable excuse.