AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

My parents attended both my in-laws funerals to show support to my husband and help comfort our children. My in-laws and my parents got on really well though.

My parents didn’t attend my FILs funeral and it never occurred to me that they would. Unless they knew each other well I wouldn’t expect in laws to attend a parent’s funeral. I didn’t really want lots of people at my husband’s funeral and as it was during Covid it was very small. I did however appreciate the letters of condolence I received. It was clear that people genuinely wanted to express concern. I think it would have been very unappreciative and unkind to rip them up without opening them. I would try to let go of this OP. I do think they could have expressed a bit more concern for you but not attending the funeral would be normal for some people depending on their background.

You call them ignorant for not attending your mums funeral because that is your social norm but we don’t all share those same values.

It’s no different to people holding certain religious beliefs or none. It doesn’t make one group superior to the other, although some people think their way is the only way. 🤔

If the shoe was on the other foot, I’d be livid if distant relatives or vague friends turned up to a funeral for my partner, let alone my parents, who are both long dead. 😐

I don’t want other people around when I’m grieving. I would find them totally intrusive and disrespectful and I’d feel angry with them for not checking with me first!

@ByGreenViewer

But there isn't a universal funeral etiquette that applies everywhere. Traditions and views vary.

I respect that it would be frowned upon in Ireland for in-laws not to attend, but in other places, it wouldn't cross the in-laws minds that they would be expected to attend.

This isn't a one-size-fits-all matter and I think that needs to be understood. We can't assume/expect that the customs of one country are the norm everywhere else.

You really can't say "it's really not the done thing in England". What's that actually based on? In my experience, it's quite usual. I've been to many funerals where parent/s in laws attend to support their bereaved DIL/SIL. I was very grateful for my FILcs attendance, even though he didn't know my mum that well. It was a brave thing to do so soon after the loss of his wife I was very grateful.

There really isn't a done thing in England...

I think people are fucking weird. My in-laws would absolutely be there, as would my parents the other way around. Because they care about me and my husband and would be there to support us.

Did they know your mum well? I wouldn’t attend the funeral of someone I didn’t really know. Nor did anyone who didn’t know my mum attend her funeral.
i’m so sorry for your loss

I have been surprised at the number of comments saying you are being unreasonable and I wonder if it's partly a cultural thing. I come from an Irish family and it's very much a big deal and people go to funerals not just if they knew the person but to support the loved ones and I think the O.Ps feelings are completely valid. However, I wonder if this is just a cultural thing. However that said, I think more than a text the day before is absolutely warranted. They should have shown so much more thought and care towards someone who has been a daughter in law pretty much for nearly a decade. Sending you sympathy O.P for your loss. X

I’m so sorry OP. I absolutely would expect anyone who cared about me, and who could, to attend the funeral. I’ve lost a dad and a partner. The people who showed up will always be special to me. It matters so much.

100% this. I’m absolutely gobsmacked at some of the responses on here,

I am so sorry for your loss. I am also 33 and lost my mum last year to cancer, it’s the shittest thing ever.

I also would have expected them to attend the funeral and think it’s rotten they didn’t.

One thing I have learned though is that a lot of people just don’t know how to deal with death/grief and so turn away from it.

Jesus I am with you op. maybe its because am irish and in Ireland funerals a big thing. unless inlaws lived in Australia or somewhere similar they so would be at my parents funerals if they died. lord my inlaws and my sisters inlaws drive three hours to go to my father's uncles funeral a few years ago. his own brothers funeral was in the UK last year and they didn't go to that but flowers and a card was brought to my father's house by my mother on law.

Sorry for your loss. Unless your inlaws were friends with your mum I wouldn't expect them to attend the funeral

its Ok I am not the OP. I do think its important though to understand that there isn't a right was to grieve and people shouldn't think that what they feel gives comfort gives comfort to everyone.

why would you be gobsmacked just because someone's expectations or beliefs in what is right differ from yours?

or even one part of one country.

@Nefrititi @NoSoupForU
Im in agreement, ppl in long term relationships and their families are strangers, very odd.
Whether you’re good pals or not it’s a mark of respect, I attended a good friends mums funeral out of respect even though I had never met her.
I know both sets of my DCs in laws, been out for meals and obviously meet up at birthdays and xmas etc
MN seems to have some odd ideas.

Depending on your background and how your family do things, "intruding on someone's grief" is a thing, and is considered a really insensitive and self-important thing to do if you didn't know the deceased well. Sending a message of condolence and a genuine offer to be of practical assistance at whatever point the bereaved might need it is then regarded as more respectful. Please don't write-off your future PIL without checking whether this is the case here. I honestly would not want my PIL at a family funeral for my side. They wouldn't know anyone and I'd be spending the day 'hosting' them rather than celebrating the life of my relative with people who knew and loved them.

I'm shocked at the numerous posts from people saying their in-laws don't know their parents?? How is that even possible after years of marriage? Maybe it's because I'm Scottish but to me it's unthinkable that my in-laws would barely know my parents enough to not come to their funeral. English people are weird.

I didn't actually rip then up without opening but opening them was very painful.

The last people I’d want to see when grieving would be my in-laws. Like hey your mums dead but guess who’s here your mother in law!!!! Like yay thanks.

My parents and the In laws have met less than 10 times and that’s being generous.

but they know you they are offering to go to support you. you go to support people you know in their time of need

Drama

You genuinely wanted everyone in your life to completely ignore your loss and never mention it at all in any manner?

I'm so sorry for your loss.

My PIL, BILs and partners all came to my dad's funeral. They all knew him and would see each other many times a year at birthdays and Christmas. I could not imagine them not wanting to be there for themselves and to support me/my DC.

I went to a neighbours mum's funerals a few months ago. Their in-laws were not there despite being close.

All families are different. I expect the OP is still grieving and things may not feel as personal in time.