AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

This.

Irish people go to so many funerals. My in-laws have gone to my aunt and uncles funerals (probably a bit much).

Ive also been to someone’s funeral who’s family member I know well.

eg my best friends mum- I didn’t really know her mum and had only met her twice, but I went to show respect and support to my best friend.

i guess I could have just ripped them up unopened.......

I have 5 bil/sil. Have gone to the funerals of all their parents, even though that had involved traveling to the UK from Ireland in some cases.

I think it’s regional (a bit like the pall bearer thread) when my DF died my in laws made a point of telling me that thy weren’t coming to the funeral because “they aren’t funeral people and don’t enjoy them” I was gobsmacked and have never quite forgiven them.

absolutely this For me each message was another knife in my heart saying "Your husband is dead"

Quite often people don’t open them for years.

People who haven’t lost someone close to them often don’t understand how much this sort of thing means.
My father died 25 years ago, but I still occasionally catch myself holding the fact someone or other didn’t come to his funeral against them, eg: Why should I bother going to watch Julie’s amateur dramatics show when she didn’t even bother to come to Dad’s funeral?
I didn’t go to my cousin’s wedding in Holland last year because it cost too much - and I also justified that to myself by remembering that she didn’t come to my Mum’s funeral 11 years ago.
But I would never let these people know how I feel. They are ignorant, but I don’t think they were deliberately unkind; and I’m sure the same is true of your partner’s family.

My mother in law and my sister in law who I hardly see came to my both my late parents funerals a few years ago
she hadn’t seen them in years
but to me it was lovely of them to do so

I think funerals are for the living and a way of showing respect to those still alive

Yes, maybe cultural differences?
I’m staggered by some of the responses here. I would expect in-laws to attend a funeral and would be very upset if they didn’t. I’m Irish like pp though.

Can’t we just accept cultures are different without calling either side weird?

I didn't mind getting them at all when Dad died and it was nice to know how many people cared , but once again, it's about what the person wants, not what YOU say they SHOULD want and feel.

It's not up to you how other people "should" grieve, you know that, right? Other people feel differently and find too much 'contact' at that time intrusive and hard to deal with. Not everyone is you or has to feel the way you do. So can some of you try showing a bit of respect and understanding for the fact that we're not all the same, and don't all grieve the same. FFS. Shouldn't have to be said but apparently it does.

My in laws came to my dad's, but that was only really because they were looking after our 18 month old.

But lots of people HAVE lost people close and are saying they feel differently from you. So it makes it difficult to navigate.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

OP the same thing happened with me. I knew my in-laws for 30 years, was married to their son for 25 and they didn’t come to my mum or dad’s funerals. Not my mother or father in law nor my brother or sister in laws.

Personally, I think it’s a lack of respect. People attend a funeral for the people who are grieving. It doesn’t matter if they knew your mum, they know you. You are their daughter in law, a part of their family, so they should have attended for YOU. However, it could be a culture thing, I’m in Scotland and this is common and I think this is also

and again I agree with what you have said.

I find this this quote from @Foxytights a bit.... condescending? LIke "YOU don't understand how to do it properly"

"People who haven’t lost someone close to them often don’t understand how much this sort of thing means."

I think there are different views of funerals, different between cultures, and also between families.
My parents have been together nearly 40 yrs, when my mum’s parents died, my dad’s parents didn’t go to the funeral. My DH recently lost a grandparent, and his grandparents on the other side didn’t go. (All surviving grandparents here are well enough to have been able to attend). I don’t think it occurred to anyone that they would go, an absolutely no one minded.

oh please yes but this is MN and the sky will fall first.

I’m very sorry for your loss but YABU.

You’re applying your own social rules to people who probably have different but equally valid social rules around funeral etiquette.

I will send an annual Christmas card to my adult DC’s in-laws but that’s the full extent of our relationship with them.

I have no interest in socialising with any of them unless the adult DC was hosting an event and had invited both sets of parents. Then we’d attend to be polite.

We definitely wouldn’t attend a funeral in this situation unless my adult DC specifically asked us to. It would feel intrusive to be honest as we really don’t know them.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I hadn’t read the full thread and didn’t realise it was your husband. I can understand that it would just feel like a punch in the gut with each message. Apologies if I seemed insensitive ❤️

I’m with you @Pinkyroses08 , you’ve lost your mother at a young age, and I’m sorry for your loss. Your in-laws should have had the sense to understand that supporting you at this time is the normal, loving thing to do. If they’re not able to see that, I don’t think you owe them anything. I wouldn’t forget that, I don’t think I’d look at them the same way.

I lost my parents young and my (lovely) in-laws came to my Dad’s funeral, despite not really knowing him, or indeed me, particularly well. I’d been with my DH less than two years at the time and we’d just got married.

I was incredibly touched that they made the effort and wanted to support me on such a difficult day, so I can understand your sadness about this. But people are weird about funerals…

Edit: I am British/ English, as are my in-laws, for what it’s worth!

I wouldn't expect this either tbh and think it seems like an out of proportion reaction, especially if they weren't explicitly asked to be there.

Very, very sorry for your loss.

Absolutely ridiculous. Of course theyd come

Apologies for derailing the thread but those in areas where you go to a lot of funerals (not sure on how to word that better) how does it work with getting time off?
When my Uncle passed away recently, I was expected to use AL or make back the time.