AIBU to distance myself from in-laws after they skipped my mum’s funeral?

[Pinkyroses08]

Basically the title. I am 33 and have recently lost my mum to cancer. I’ve been with my partner for 9 years and although unmarried, we are planning on getting engaged and potentially trying for a family this year… our plans have been derailed the past few years with mums diagnosis. I have know my
inlaws for 9 years and we got on ok as far as I was aware. It was mums funeral a month ago and aside from a text from his dad the day prior, not one of my partners parents or siblings came to support. It’s really taken me aback and I truly don’t think I can ever sustain the same relationship with them. I’m even at the point where I want to remove them from social media and cut them out of my life completely . My partner knows I am upset but I don’t see by him saying anything to them will change how I fundamentally feel. For context they fully knew when and where the funeral was.

It really isn't "downright weird" at all. It's just different from what you're used to. It really doesn't make those of us who want the funeral to focus on the person we've lost any less caring or bad people or 'cold' or whatever is being implied. And many of us have had very intimate, meaningful funerals for OUR loved ones as a result. There's nothing wrong with that.

I'm actually surprised at the answers. I would be upset too. Though maybe my family is different, when my Father's parents died my Mum's parents were there to help and hold hands.
I've been to my Husbands Grt Nans funeral, I never met her. It's what you do for family.
It's about supporting the people that are still here.
I'm so sorry for your loss

And to add, OP, don’t distance yourself from them. Just manage your feelings around them and mind yourself during your grief xxx

I wonder if there’s a cultural piece to this - I’m Irish and obviously think it’s incredibly rude and unkind of your in laws not to go and bizarre that they haven’t acknowledged your loss in some way, but I’m aware in the UK, people have very different norms and in my experience people often struggle to know what to do/how to support someone during grief. Personally, I’d feel the way you do right now but if they are usually kind people it might be worth exploring what’s behind their behaviour?

Because it's not black and white? You're making quite a lot of assumptions here. About other peopl's characters too. Not appreciated for those of us who've lost loved ones too and have found the funerals WE arranged for those people to be very moving and a necessary part of the grieving process for US. I'm sorry if that's not considered 'good enough' for you, but we're allowed to do what's best and heartfelt within our own families, thanks.

My mil didn’t come to my mums funeral in December. Im still raging about it. But tbh im annoyed because:
she never gave me any condolences
she asked me to buy and wrap my kids xmas gifts from her 5 days after mum died
she didn’t send a message on the day of the funeral to say hope it went well.
she royally gets annoyed if we can’t go to her ex mils brothers aunties goat’s funeral 🙄🙄🙄
Im trying to let it all go 🤣🤣 hard tho. Sorry for your loss x x

@Pinkyroses08 sorry for you loss OP. Could you be angry about having lost your mum when you're still so young yourself and you're directing your anger in your in-laws direction? I'd say nothing just in case this isn't how you feel long-term.

My opinion on their attendance; if they knew your mum well, yes, they should have attended to pay their respects, however, if they didn't know your mum (or just met once or twice), then no they didn't need to attend.

First, sorry for your loss OP 🌷 it sounds like you’ve had a tough time and I hope that this thread maybe gives you some comfort (even if it’s just to realise how disparate the responses are).

second, reading the thread is fascinating. I’m English and at this point in my life it wouldn’t occur to me to attend the funeral of someone I didn’t know well. Have done, once before when I was much younger; someone I’d worked with very recently and it felt incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t know why that’s a thing in English culture, but funerals seem to be much more private and intimate. I think it’s a bit weird, but clearly (as demonstrated by this discussion) it is a social norm. As I said, fascinating.

This would upset me. I’d been divorced for years when my father died and my ex in-laws came to his funeral. It’s a mark of respect, and a comfort to those grieving.

I think it depends if you either invited them or whether they knew each other.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My I laws didn't know my dad but made comments about how I missed fathers day celebrations with the FIL.... 3 weeks after death and before the funeral! I'll never see them again either.

It seems relevant to point out, I’m not English.

I am Irish and I would be shocked by this. It’s a mark of respect towards you and little to do with their relationship with your parent. I know my siblings husband/ wife’s family came to mum’s wake and funeral and my dh’s did not and there were raised eyebrows. I am sorry OP, this is hurtful but some people just don’t get it.

Wow! That's shocking! What were they thinking?

Married 25 years when PIL died close together and had a double funeral.
It wouldn’t have occurred to either my DM or my (Scottish) DH for my DM to travel to Scotland to attend the funeral. Just as it didn’t occur to me to be offended, when people who knew him, didn’t attend DHs funeral. I certainly wouldn’t have expected somebody’s (BILs for example) parents or siblings to come, even though they’d met DH a handful of times.
It would have made me deeply uncomfortable to have to deal with people I didn’t really know well at such a distressing time tbh. Likewise I wouldn’t attend a funeral of someone I didn’t know really well as I wouldn’t want to cause their loved ones extra stress or upset of having an audience of strangers witness their grief. I feel it’s a very personal time.

So sorry for you loss op

I have clear memories of people that invited themselves to funerals or people they vaguely knew. They were viewed with suspicion and it was seen as off and not right. Like they were making out they were closer to the deceased than they really were. The people I know who are not like this in England are from the North East etc. for me a funeral is a deeply private and personal thing for people who cared about the person who died and having people there that didn't know them or not well would be seen as not right. So when people don't offer it is often because it would be an intrusion. But as evidenced here that's really culturally dependent.

But you could send a card/text/message of some kind to convey sympathies? Ignoring the loss completely seems so callous. While we would have very different opinions of funerals, even strangers on the internet are able to text sorry for your loss, so you’d imagine her in laws could take the five seconds out of their day to do that much?

This is how I feel (felt) about my parents' deaths and about the death of my husband. I didn't want "support", to have to put on a social face and my mother (Dad died first) didn't either. I don't see why people should be "shocked" about the life choices of other people. I understand the OP's grief and that the inlaws didn't fulfil her expectations but if they are otherwise kind people, people you generally get on with, then she might like to consider getting past it.....but her choice and my condolences

I did NOT want the cards, texts or notes. They were one more thing to deal with.

My MIL wanted to come to my dad's funeral - he died young, no-one in our family new her or liked her and she'd need looking after. I told DH that she absolutely would not be attending.

I have just remembered that I worked alongside a colleague for about a year around 15 years ago, in England. We got on well and she talked about her mum a lot. Her mum died and I went to the funeral, which was really small, looking back. I remember I was getting over a terrible flu and was still very weak and had to get a bus and walk for about 20 minutes, and got lost so it took longer. I definitely didn't feel up to it but to me, it was just what you did. I never considered not going because to me that would have been letting my colleague down. I had never met the mum but now I am wondering if I really misjudged that situation!

But you don’t answer notes of condolence. So no work to do really.

Apparently very much a cultural thing going by this thread. I’ve been to funerals of people I’ve never even met, or I’ve had a loose acquaintance with. Funerals are for the living. I’ve gone because it’s the parent of a close friend. Friends of mine came to my Dad’s, for me! It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to attend my (very ex) mother in law’s. I’ll go to my ex FIL’s when he passes.

Maybe it’s a Scots/Irish thing 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have seen a thread recently where a lot of commenters wouldn't attend a funeral unless expressly invited. That is strange to me. In some towns (eg south west of Scotland) notice of a funeral is put in shop windows and you take that as an invitation. I had friends at both my parents' funerals who hadn't met them and I go to a funeral to support the bereaved.

I wouldn't fall out with in-laws over non-attendance unless I was sure they shared the same expectations.

I would feel like you. Unthinkable that they didn't come.

We got almost 300 for my dad. The comfort it gave was immense. Each to their own.