Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

if sit down with him.

Have a list of all the jobs you do and the number of hours you currently work.

then have another list other hours you’d be working “more”.

say to him “how are we spilling these roles equally so I can work more as you suggested?

them sit there in silence until he provides an answer or has to concede that you working more won’t work with his current level of help (or lack of!)

Ok, so I do think he is unreasonable for expecting/wanting you to work more but without making any adjustments at his end.
However……the solution to you working more isn’t always going to be him taking time off/working less. That’s not really how it works in most families. I get that you are self employed so it’s a bit different, but if you were to just get busier and busier then what? Would you expect him to just keep taking holidays so you can work? The solution would be to find childcare.
Thats the trade off- he wants you to work more hours then he needs to be prepared for the inevitable childcare costs, which might offset any benefit to you working more hours. He can’t have it all ways.

Does he usually use AL for other things?

Why is it suddenly his job? The just dumping it all in his lap after you’ve set a precedent of 4/5yrs of you doing it is not on. How would you feel if he accepted an overseas posting and was like, I’ll fly home every weekend this is now your job? OP needs to go back and say this is something we need to work out together.

Doesn't sound like he offers much to your life.

I don’t think it’s even the asking. My ex owns his own business and has tried to argue that he shouldn’t have to take days off when the kids are sick on his days, because he has clients and I can “just work from home”.

Yes, I do have more flexibility than him but a) I also have meetings and site visits etc and b) I set my career up for that flexibility and the flexibility is now for my benefit, not his. He just thinks his job is more important than mine and he shouldn’t have to compromise even now that we are separated.

I was just hardline about it and told him it was his day, his problem. He was also the type who wanted me working full-time instead of part-time but didn’t want to deal with any of the logistics of what me doing so would involve. Sadly I don’t think he even grasps how much easier his life used to be back then, he just resents me for leaving him and making it more difficult.

Well he’s enabled her to stay at home for the last few years by working enough to support them all. Wouldn’t call that nothing

That's an excuse to be a shitty husband and father.

He'd likely do the same as my ex & many other women's exs & never see his child again because it's too much like hard work. He'd then likely stop paying maintenance too. It's like a script they all follow, so predictable. I'd just leave before he does on the Thursday & let him do the "split yourself in 2" panic like mothers so often have to do when we find ourselves with a work/parenting conflict. I was an absolute doormat who let the behaviour become entrenched, don't make that mistake. You're better off a lone parent than carrying a lazy, inept, man child.

Sorry - to me it sounds like he resents the fact you are bringing in more money, and this is the way he is 'flexing' - OP what does he bring to this? He sounds utterly useless, you seem to have a great career, seem to earn a decent amount of money and sensible. How does he enhance your life?

This needs discussing properly.

It's all on you isn't it.

Also, guys like this always say they want 50/50 if you split but in reality it's rare they do! Even if they insist on it via court etc to keep maintenance out of the equation they never actually DO 50/50. TWATS. 🙄 😡

Depends what industry you are in - many of my colleagues are at a very busy point in the year and they would not find it easy to take off at short notice. In fact it’s harder because of the bank holiday

Of course he can request a day off, the company may say no but he can ask. What does he normally do with his annual leave? Does he only have time off when the company tells him or does he not use it?

Hey op it’s shit that he wants one thing but won’t support you. You need to remind him that his child needs a parent and his company won’t fall apart for one day. Op he’s being really selfish if you do find someone to look after dc make sure it comes out of the joint account he should be happy to be off make it a long weekend.

True, but weigh that up against the cost of childcare, annual leave / sick days / various appointments needed for children, all the activities and experiences their shared child was able to have due to having a parent stay home.

Yes he was the main earner, she was the main parent. The 2 aren't mutually exclusive.

I think you need an agreed system here. That you discuss now and enact moving forward. E.g. So when I get offered work (which you want me to do more of), this is how it'll work. Firstly I will ask you if you are able to take a day off, if you cant, then I'll seek a paid childcare option. Or whatever system you'd like to propose. Tbh I dont think its unreasonable for you as the one working flexibly to be the one sourcing a way to get childcare when you need to work. However your H needs to change his resentful attitude and understand that x2 working parents means x2 adults working collaboratively together with a shared respect for each other's work demands and a willingness to offer flexibility wherever possible.

"why are you telling me"?
Because we are both parents of our DD and we are both working on day x and she needs to be cared foron that day. So......
a) You be flexible and arrange a day off to care for our daughter.
b) i lose the opportunity for a very lucrative job that benefits our family financially and care for our DD.
c) We find suitable childcare and share the cost .

Does he ever take any annual leave during the holidays? If you do all childcare what is he using his annual leave for?

They all say that until they realise that 50/50 actually means doing half of everything, then suddenly they "cant make it work", assuming that by some miracle we can. And we do. Every.Single.Time.

As a PP said, funny how all the "non flexible" jobs belong to men and not women isnt it?

I don’t think considering what you’d do if you were separated is relevant here.

I think you need to sit down and have multiple calm conversations and make it clear that you can only work more if he does more. Many men just don’t get it. It’s a bigger issue than this one day off, it’s every dentist & school appt.

Me and hubs sit down and work out who can cover what, we both work full time and I’m hybrid abroad so we need to organise. It has taken a long time to get here.

I don’t think he’s jealous, he’s just another bloke who wants both the convenience of a housewife and cash flow of a wife with a full time salary. They pick and choose when equality suits them. Well he’d be getting short shrift from me …

I disagree because this sort of thing is exactly where the failing of a marriage can start. The resentment of being left to do all the house/child work AND bring money in can and does lead to women feeling so fed up about doing it all alone that they feel that they might as well be on their own.

His blind refusal to even consider compromising to allow her to work more, whilst at the same time insisting she needs to work more, is a recipe for divorce if ever I saw one.

Yep. The whole "Women can have it all" message from the 80's in reality led to "Women will have do it all".

ML is where it usually kicks in ime, they get comfy having a SAHW so dont bother stepping up with housework and childcare when she goes back to work.

What about kids club at school? Mine went to kids club at 7.45am, and stayed until 5.30pm. Ask him to contact school to see if there are free places etc. As for the Thursday in the Easter hols, what about a Holiday Club? They usually run from 8.30 until around 5pm. Again, ask him to sort it.

Kids usually have a great time at holiday clubs.