Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

Find a way to work the extra days you need. Dont fripper the money away but save it for when you have finally had enough of your life and want things to change

I was thinking this as well. But also give him warning so he can't say you sprung it on him- "I'm working and you'll need to sort out childcare, as I already do enough".

He's full of crap. Of course he can just ask for the day off. That's exactly how annual leave works. He's a joker who thinks he is so special and important that he couldn't possibly actually parent or be an equal partner.

I'm going to say that it's not a case of just asking for a day off and getting it. Much is going to depend on the type of work, who else has the time off, in other words, the needs of the service. I was refused annual leave during one half term. In the end DH took kids on holiday and I stayed home and went to work. And I asked months in advance. This was the public sector and we had a statutory duty to provide a service.
For the rest I agree he needs to do more. I'm not arguing with that.

It's 2 weeks before the required day, ample time to request a day's leave. If he's as senior as he believes, it shouldn't be a problem. My DH could request that day off now without any issues.

Or, alternatively, turn the job down, don't look for anything else and shrugs when he asks what you're doing about work.

No but he's saying he can't/won't even ask which is a whole other level.

I agree. If he asked and they said no, ok lets find an alternative but he is refusing to even ask.

I was making the point that annual leave isn't guaranteed. So there has to be another plan, which is regular childcare. It's what happens when parents work.

That's bull. Lots of men want 50:50. When they realise that 50:50 means their days are their and they are responsible for pick ups, drop offs, sickness, school holidays, homework, pack lumches and organising stuff suddenly they are happy with every other weekend.

Does he never take any annual leave? Or are his holidays fixed?

Have you both discussed about him having time off and how much notice he has to give

my previous job it was 2 weeks and also it wouldn’t be an automatic yes if there was already people of

my current job it’s 7 weeks notice as rota done 6 weeks in advance and again subject to a leave slot being free

if you’ve just dropped it on him with hardly any notice your being unreasonable

He's being a total price

Of you did have a ft job of course all the running about sorting childcare will fall to you

Some suggest you do what suits you

If you wanna stay home do it
If you wanna do this jib, tell him he's gotta sort the childcare the and that he an always pull a sickie and stand on business

Exactly. My DH today has booked off one day and two half days at short notice in order to look after our youngest to enable me to go to some appointments. It's much easier the more senior you are.

I would be extremely annoyed if he wouldn't even ask.

But perhaps he is not asking because he knows what is in his diary for that day. I would not ask for leave if I knew I had important meetings that day, or that we were operating a skeleton crew because of leave. I would not take kindly to DH demanding I take leave at short notice.

Presumably that's just because his is the established job that was there first and would require more notice, whereas yours is the new one you are trying to fit in as well? If it were a longer term proposition I'd hope there would be more input.

But yes, he should at least try to look like he will help you find a solution.

FFS. If you both worked full-time you'd reach need to use your paid annual leave for childcare, at least done of the time. That's what it's for! What does he use his leave for? Of course he can arrange to take a day's leave. Most places should even offer parental leave of some sort

@ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead next time he says he would want joint custody if you split I’d be telling him that him saying that refusing to do 50-50 while he is married makes you (and every other decent human) lose respect for him. What an awful attitude. Who the hell thinks it is ok to only do 50-50 when there is a question of maintenance to resolve and doesn’t care about the impact on their child who is already having to deal with a lot. Completely different for a parent already doing 50-50 to want this on separation but expecting it when they havent already been doing it is cruel to their child. After separation children’s needs come first and children need stability and consistency. Not a man trying to avoid paying maintenance.

As far as managing your work goes I would have a very clear conversation with him around what are the leave requirements for his work. The impression I get from what he has said is that he doesn’t want to ask, not that asking now is not within company policy. But find that out And make it clear that you expect him to be available to provide cover for you subject to whatever genuine constraints he has at work. If there is genuinely no flexibility at his particular place of work but there is within his line of work generally then perhaps it’s time he looks for another job.

I’m still on the fence. I think long term if your working more hours etc there needs to be a better balance and more organisation.

I can see why he potentially is saying no to even asking, because he might already know that the answer is no. As the examples already given: if myself or my DH asked for a days annual leave in 2 weeks the answer would be no, because the rotas are done, XYZ is already off, its outside the request period- so whats the point in asking. If we desperately needed to our option would be to ring in sick to facilitate that day off- in which case it would be better not to of already highlighted said day as a refused A/L request.

Yes parental leave is a thing but again the same principles apply to people being off etc. only OP knows the exact circumstances of his workplace. To those saying has he never requested time off - well obviously he will of but probably with more advance notice where works been planned around it.

Even if he was self employed it doesn’t guarantee the flexibility at such short notice does it- imagine if you had a plasterer, kitchen fitter, mechanic etc suddenly cancel your job two weeks before when you’ve had it booked in for months (which is usually the case) as the customer you would be pretty miffed.

Sometimes MN is crackers

I'm incredibly fortunate that this hasn't been my experience. In both my current job and previous job which were massively male dominated, the men have all been really engaged at home, lots did school pick up and took leave to cover holidays etc. Thankfully DH is equally supportive and flexible.

OP you DH sounds like an arse. Book the job and tell him to book leave or organise the childcare.

Came to say this. I'm separated and weekdays are my days solely and the odd weekend too. Men like this won't ever go for more because why would they.

It’s so frustrating and almost every family I know it seems to default to the mother. My ex and I split, and he went to work overseas for years. Kids are 18 & 21 now, and he’s worked away half of the youngest’s life. It annoys me how i’ve been left to cope, working, dropping off kids, a serious health condition, with no family within a 4hr drive. He at least acknowledges i’ve done it all, but well what good is that? Its been hard work. I can count on one hand the times he’s had to drop off at school and go to work, whereas I juggled everything.

Tell him no you can’t earn extra money until he steps up.

"I will want 50/50" should be met with a derisory laugh and the statement "Thats hilarious given that you dont even do 50/50 NOW when we could work together!"

And surely it depends on what industry he works in too? Retail will be very busy, NHS will have a rota that has to be covered. Some jobs will be busy getting things in place for a 4 day weekend. Not everyone has the flexibility of last minute AL especially at popular times.

Heard the same from a previously SAHD. Now will do every other weekend and pass kids to his mum rather than sort shifts to see them.

We all know that but I dont understand from the apologists is why they are focussing on the fact that he might not get time off and not the fact that he clearly doesnt see it as his problem too.

The OP describes his reaction and it was very clear that he saw her being at work meant that child care was her problem to sort, not THEIR problem to sort together. He just put down a flat "no, not happening" instead of "Shit, I wont be able to get time off at this notice, shall we ask my mum/your mum/my sister/look into holiday club?".

As always, this isnt about the fact that he cant/wont get time off but the fact that he is just assuming that the WifeMaid will sort it. And if she doesnt and cant take the lucrative job, he will have a go at her for not working enough!