Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

I actually agree with you, OPs DH should be stepping up if he wants her to work more. My reply was in response to the idea that that particular day would be an easy day with little work. The poster can’t know that!

Sorry! It just really annoys me when threads get derailed by people saying "Oh he might not get the day off" as if that was the issue and not the selfish twat who made his wife a married single parent.

When does he take his leave and what for? What's the betting it's not for childcare at any point.

No but saying he doesn’t add any value to her life doesn’t seem fair. The op would have had to do all she does plus work without him

Given that the op sounds to be currently home all day whilst he is at work (based on the job not having started yet) why can’t she do it

Provided you organised it, and to suit him, and were prepared to be flexible at short notice. And did all the school uniform and clean-clothes thinking.

The OP clearly says she works already (self-employed). She’s not sitting around with nothing better to do.

Well putting aside the obvious tension and resentment between you, I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.
In my previous role I couldn't just take a day off like that without planning months ahead or attempting to swap shifts (not straightforward at all). In my current role (same employer) I can take days off pretty much whenever I want.

Don't let it stop you doing the job. If he won't look after your child, ask a friend to. You can return the favour another time. I would help friends out that way when I was working shifts and off when others were not. I think you'll find someone willing to help you.

I don’t agree the issue is the DH is a selfish twat who made his wife a married single parent.

For 4yrs the OP was a SAHP. The pressure was on the DH as the sole breadwinner to make enough money so OP could be with their child and not have to work. He didn’t do that out of selfishness.

In fact, he sounds eager for OP to ramp up her work but he hasn’t thought through what that will look like now there is a child. To be fair, OP has thought it through either, she assumed if she’s working more, he’s got to work less. It sounds to me like they’ve decide ti break the pattern of the last 4yrs but neither of them has really talked to the other about how manage the childcare.

The OP describes his reaction and it was very clear that he saw her being at work meant that child care was her problem to sort, not THEIR problem to sort together.

Again, to be fair, the way the OP broached the topic was very much an attempt at making it his problem by demanding he take time off so she could take on a last minute job. I think I would have reacted similarly if positions were reversed.

He could have at least said it better than what he told OP and at the very bare minimum also look for an alternative too vs leaving it all for OP to sort.

It is his child too. What would he do if something happened where OP wouldn’t be able to care for their child and he had to work?

OP is not being unreasonable to expect that they both look for alternatives, she is, but he seems to be choosing not to when this work is good for their family as a whole.

The number of people who will request the Thursday before Good Friday as annual leave is very high. What’s so special about him not being able to do it!

In the long term you need to work out how this will work, working parents have to use their annual leave to provide childcare or pay for a holiday club. It sounds like sometimes your work can come along at short notice and you need to decide between you both what you will do. Will you agree that sometimes you will have to decline the work? Will you DH ever be able to book some short notice leave? If so how many days are available for that which don’t eat into the family holidays you might want to book? Do you book a holiday club or arrange relatives just in case you’re working for future school holidays. There are many ways the two of you can discuss flexing this. If he’s not interested in joining the discussion, quite a few of these suggestions could just be done by you with him out of the picture.

OP has thought it through either, she assumed if she’s working more, he’s got to work less.

Couldnt disagree more.

He is putting pressure on her to work more and she (not unreasonably) expected that to mean that the childcare requirements would be met or organised by them both. He has simply shrugged his shoulders and said "Not my problem" as if she had their kids on her own! Its very clear that if she doesnt take this job he will moan about her not working enough but is doing nothing to facilitate her working more.

So what does he want more? The money that a FT working wife will bring in or being the breadwinner to have a SAHW who will make sure that they only person he has to think about is himself, cos it seems that he wants both and that is simply not possible.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and be super obtuse about his response..."oh so who's gonna look after DD then I don't want to leave her on her own for the day and I dunno HOW to book holiday clubs ? We will get reported to social services won't we if we leave her on her own?! Oh well , guess it is a risk I will have to take as you say you need the money so...."
[And really NOT do it^]
This way , he gets more and more angry at the supposed 'neglect' ofhis daughter, knows exactly how you feel and gets shirty ...but then you are playing him at his own game.

“He might not get time off” - yeah, he might not, but he definitely won’t if he doesn’t ask. The world doesn’t come to an end if someone asks for annual leave and is told no. The problem is he won’t even bother his arse to ask.

We have to give 7 weeks notice as rota 6 weeks in advance
I wouldn’t even ask because I already know the answer

Ok fine - but I could take Monday off as holiday and not even ask anyone, just need to put it in my timesheet. There is no one rule on this stuff.

I’d guess it’s more likely he’s being inflexible/ obstructive rather than he has a rigid work rota….

That demonstrates it’s perfectly you could I couldn’t

so unless we know this info as you say it’s just a guess

Wouldn’t you tell your spouse that though?

It wouldn’t be hard to say “I can’t take off because the rota is decided and it is too short notice to change it.”

That is a respectful answer to a spouse if they were to ask, not what OP’s DH response was. I can’t take off a day because I’m needed is an answer sure, but his response to even being asked is an issue as well as not even trying to help find childcare with his wife and show support to her work when he himself wants her to work more.

I’m assuming your partner knows that though? As the OP hadn’t mentioned struck work patterns or rotas im
assuming this isn’t an issue in this case.

Well I guess we both learned something new :)
I obviously knew that NHS or any vital services would need longer scheduling, or some manufacturing (not their corporate offices) but didn’t realise retail would be so strict.

No one knows how much notice his job requires.

Sounds like you could manage fine without him......he sounds a selfish git....get rid

Seems he feels bad or even inferior, which in some respects he probably is. But is he superior in others? I hope so; an unbalanced relationship is hard to manage, i am very friendly with a couple where the woman is hugely successful; a leader in her field. He is no loser - had a very successful career- but now acts as a house-father so to speak. They accept each other’s strengths.

I am self employed. Dh has a very demanding full time job. I work part time and generally do all drop offs, 3 out of 5 pickups, sometimes 4. He does the 1 or 2 I can’t.
i have to work on a day I don’t usually and need to be there for 7am. He starts work at 8.
when I told him he said he would start late that day, I’d take his van, he will take my car for school run(it’s on a day I have two extra kids)
he will feed them and drop to school, drop my car to me, take his van and go to work and I will be finished for pickup.
That is how it should be. We both parent our child. We both have work commitments and we both figure it out together.