Dh wants me to work more, but won’t take any time off work or be flexible

[ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead]

Suspect this may be a problem for some others too and feeling angry that being a woman is being expected to do everything

Bit of background

Worked full time all my life in fairly demanding career. Had Dc later in life due to infertility. Was fortunate to be able to step back from work and be with Dd at home until 4/5. From age four onwards, I worked part time around Dd’s hours. I’ve always done drop offs, pick ups, Drs, dentists, school, homework, housework (do have a cleaner every fortnight) all cooking, food shop, bills.
Dd is now in school full time and i’m being asked to do more jobs (self employed) with great pay. These aren’t always set hours or that predictable and a great job could come up last minute.
I’m fortunate that i’m still able to do drop off and pick up and Dd finishes school at 3.15.
The work (and money) is coming in more now, which i’m really enjoying-in both the sense of feeling fulfilled in my work and bringing in more money myself and being able to book little holidays and extra things for Dd-horseriding, piano lessons and so on.
I’ve been asked to do a last minute, well paid job. Just one of the days is over the Easter holidays, I’ve luckily always been able to be off for the holidays and not needed to organise childcare.
I told Dh about this job and how they asked for the Thursday and good Friday. I said to him the Good Friday would be ok as he’d be off, but they need the Thursday too. He looked at me as if to say ‘Why are you telling me?’ I said to him, so what do we do as the whole job (two weeks) is amazing pay but they need me on these dates so I can’t miss this day as may not get taken on for the job. He seemed surprised and said ‘Well I can’t take it off! I’m needed at work and can’t just take time off!’
Bearing in mind I would earn almost double he does for working this day.
He always seems to have a underlying resentment at me not working more or working full time, but then how can I if everything is left for me to organise a job around in respect to Dd?

Am I in the wrong here?

What he wants is for you to work full time hours, but never out earn him or otherwise appear more successful than him, and still do 100% of the childcare, housework and life admin, all whilst his life remains the same and he doesn’t have to compromise at all.

His expectations of how a marriage works in 2026 are very unrealistic.

I would put this to him. You don’t have to even threaten to leave, he should take a lesson from the fact this scenario has crossed your mind.

Yes, I think what he really meant was "I wouldn't want to pay CMS"

If he can't even be bothered to ASK for 1 day off work now to look after her, how would he ever survive a 50/50 arrangement.

It would be very different if he said "I'll ask but it's likely too late to get time off. I wonder if XYZ could look after her for the day if I can't get off"... that's a normal response. But not even asking and just assuming he's more important is ignorant and not at all 50/50 ish.

They always are love, in responsible jobs, big man jobs that are so much better than yours and yet as you say you can earn more

Have to second this. His indifference when you told him about your exciting new job was very telling, followed by his emphasis that his job is so important he cant just take a day off. Screams jealousy and resentment tbh

Why is he unable to book the day off? Is he self-employed?

It's still a week away! Of course he can ask for a day's leave. It's possible they'll say no, but he won't know until he's asked.

It sounds like he's never had to adjust his paid work around having a child... ever. So in his head his work has become a sacrosanct thing that he couldn't possibly change.

It's hard to judge to be honest because my DH has never been in a position to take odd full days off work for childcare. He can manage to do errands (doctors or admin or school meetings) and he can take time off for big events with plenty of notice but his schedule really doesn't allow for full days off at short notice with low added value. I think you need to have childcare solutions lined up.

Depends on the DHs job I suppose. Lots of people wouldn’t have a problem taking this day off at this notice, lots wouldn’t be able to.

Presumably OP knows whether it’s possible for her DH to ask for this day off and thinks it is possible and is pissed off he won’t even ASK

I’m not sure what the answer is OP. If your role requires some short term flexibility and your DH doesn’t have that then you need to have another source of childcare because otherwise it will never work. If DH just isn’t prepared to put himself out in any way in order to support you and the household then you have a big problem

he doesn't do 50/50 now so I can't see that holding up for him 🤣

@ThatTaylorSwiftsongstuckinmyhead

He's entitled to Parental Leave, same as you are. Obviously, when you're working for yourself, it's a little different, but if he's working for a company all he needs to do is ask for 1 day Parental Leave.

Where do you work that asking for annual leave that you're legally entitled to is a big thing?
You request it and they either approve or deny it, not difficult. He could at least attempt to get the day off.
OP I really feel for you and he's totally unsupportive and unreasonable. I'd be tempted to tell him as he's such a useless asshole he can arrange childcare and if he doesn't leave the house before him as he'll presumably not leave your daughter alone. Bet next time he'd sort childcare properly.

He can take annual leave, you can book her into a childcare facility at school or a club or ask friends or family to help. But make him aware that child care is not just for you to arrange she is also his child and now your both working it’s actually an equal responsibility it’s going to be a shock to him 🤔

Op I feel for you so much. I’ve left two jobs because of this- the first to become a sahm where I worked in a pharmaceutical company because I was the one who had to take time off when kids were sick/ creche was closed. Second time was a shop job and when I finally left (because my manager said to me ‘ you can’t keep getting days off at the drop of a hat all the other employees are starting to give out’) we had the mother of all arguments where he said it wasn’t fair I could just not work when if he didn’t work we’d be homeless.

Now with the job I’m in I sort childcare and if I can’t he’ll say I might be able to get time off but if he can’t he’ll just say I can’t and he’ll never get how shit it is to try to organise a way for the kids to get home/ go somewhere/ find a way.

This isn’t just a man thing either, I’ve had friends say to me ‘he sorts out school pick ups and sick days’ like it’s nothing because they have the job that is seen as inflexible when actually all jobs are as md this is something that requires a weekly sit down. None of us will ever get that though

I do most of the childcare flexing in our family as I’m self employed and DH is an employee at national director level and earns about twice what I do.
BUT he is very grateful and knows how lucky he is that I can be flexible and he doesn’t have to do 50% so soon as I need a specific day for a client visit he will book it off or finish early or wfh. He knows it’s rare and he uses his AL willingly. He also very much supports my work (it’s more public and interesting than his).

A lot of men want children but don't want to raise them

This is so true. I saw something on social media about the difference between wanting a wife and kids vs wanting to be a husband and father. I think most men are wired towards the former.

Agree... why are people on here so over the top "Just divorce him"... all this nonsense. Like get a god damm grip!!

Of course his work currently takes priority, it is what you’re mainly living off. If you are both going to be working then you need to work out a childcare solution together. Once you are both working equally neither of your jobs should take priority over the other.

take this as a good opportunity to find childcare

He’s lying! 😂🤣 When his work and his social life get in the way of him parenting NOW then why on earth when he is free to do what he likes would he step up? Nope won’t happen.

TBH OP I think your title is a little misleading. Is he saying that he can't get time off work on those days? Depending on where he works, that is short notice to be asking for annual leave during the school holidays. Most parents book their annual leave way in advance, so he isn't necessarily being unreasonable to say he can't get that day off. He might not have the same flexibility as you do, and the fact that you earn more than him, means nothing to his employer. If he is employed, not self employed then 'flexibility' doesn't come as standard.

I don’t have to write a research paper on support for mothers amongst only European countries to prove that the support British mothers get in this modern day society is not zero support.

Even if you compare UK to the cherry picked best European country of your choice, it’s still not zero support.

I only compared to the US because I live here so I know it, it is also English speaking, rich, and part of modern day society, and I know we have less support than British mothers do.

You say Dave you either organise a days leave off work or you organise childcare for her. I ve accepted the job and I won’t be in country. This is your job and as from May you are either going to do all drops off or all picks ups or we do a week on and a week off. It’s called parenting and I currently do it all .

All these people saying of course he can book a day off, how do you know. In my work sometimes it’s possible to book a day off at short notice if there nothing important on that day but other days it won’t be possible if there are important meetings, trainings, client deadlines. It very much depends. If he knows there is something on so he can’t take it off then he can’t just ask, that would also show a lack of credibility on his side

I think the issues OP thats OP has are that

a) he didn't even bother asking his work, just said no he couldn't do it. If he asked and they said no.... fair enough.

b) OP is organising childcare, but that shouldn't be her sole responsibility. He could easily have offered suggestions or had a discussion about it. "Perhaps X could mind her for the day" or "I wonder if there's a camp we can book her into".

Have you asked him why specifically he can't use annual or parental leave? 'Simply requesting a day off' is literally what is facilitated by both these legal entitlements. What does he think other parents do when their children are off school? I am enraged on your behalf at his expectation that you solve every childcare issue.