DP says I'd look younger with hair and make-up, AIBU?

[CurlingChamp]

I’ve been out this evening and was chatting to two much older men (70s/80s) that I’ve known for some time. My age was mentioned along the lines of “well you’re younger than my youngest son, and he’s 44. You’re about 42 aren’t you?”

As a soon to be 48 year old who runs on 4 hours sleep with 2 young children and a full-on job, I was pleased with the compliment…

…until I told my DP, who thought about it and said “just imagine if you did your hair and make-up, you’d look maybe 37”.

How would take that comment from your DP?

You're not the first person to use an example of something that causes smells in response to a point solely about appearance, and it's interesting. Because whatever one's views on the whole issue, a woman wearing make up or not is entirely visual whereas the example you use here involves smell too. They're not the same thing. To be comparable, the woman would have to be farting/doing something else that makes her smell like shit with the same frequency.

Men don’t have to so why should we?

I don't wear makeup day to day although I've recently started to wear light eyeliner & concealer because it makes me look & feel more alive. I go full face (not heavy)on nights out though again because it makes me feel better.

I don't understand the anti makeup brigade. What exactly is wrong with makeup. Is it because some women believe we should be ditching everything classified as overly feminine. A belief we should adopt a more masculine appearance in order to appear more powerful & give men the impression we don't care about looks. 🤔

I don't understand the anti makeup brigade.

I think it might be a reaction to those who think women shouldn't go out without it?

I don't wear it often therefore I'm not anti.

I don't feel I need it to look presentable or "put together" though.

I wouod reply to that with something like 'well just imagine how young you would look if you had hair!'
And then that would be it.
Obviously I look younger with hair and makeup done, its whole the reason people use makeup.. to enhance their looks.

Shifting cultural expectations are fascinating. Think of the Wodaabe tribe and their Gerewol festival. The men wear makeup and adorn themselves to be judged by the womenfolk. It's a strange old business being human, wherever you hail from.

I don't understand the anti makeup brigade.
I'm not anti it per se. I'm uninterested in it. What I am anti is the notion that not using it is somehow letting yourself down and indicates a lack of care about yourself or when it becomes something anyone feels too insecure to be in public without.

I've never been anywhere where dress codes are a thing and couldn't give a stuff if strangers don't like my clothes. I'm too busy being in agonising pain and trying to care for others and myself without going round the bend.

Men aren't expected to wear makeup so why should I?

This! I dragged myself off my sick bed yesterday to get in the shower and put on a basic face before a Teams call. It also meant that I didn't have a bare face and looked like shit when my partner got in - why wouldn't one take some basic pride in their appearance?

Male grooming is an expectation to be clean and sometimes tidy. It's basically hygiene. Makeup and hair styling isn't that.

Why the absolute fuck should anyone else feel obligated to spruce themselves up for their partner when they're sick? Get that to fuck 😅

We've been through most of this. The basic answer is that people who don't put makeup on all the time don't care enough about what you/people like you think constitutes basic pride in appearance, when they're not in a position of sufficient influence over you that their opinion matters. Your feelings aren't relevant, in the nicest possible way.

Work might be different, I get that. An employer can make your life harder than some random who sees you nipping out to buy milk. And a person might have good reason why they don't want their boss to see them looking ill.

In terms of partner though, I wouldn't feel I had to try and look not ill for DH if I am ill. You don't say it came from your DP, so I don't want to be too critical of them. But wherever that expectation came from in the relationship, I'd find it undesirable.

Why is my bare face considered offensive? What is about being clean and tidy but unadorned that suggests a lack of care of oneself?

Even calling it "putting on a face". What's wrong with my actual face?

Your DP should be more concerned you’re surviving on 4 hours sleep.
How much does he get?

You need to address that sleep issue OP.

Make up is the least of your worries.

Ha! x posted with pp.

Yes, tell DP that he can help you out with the dark circles more than makeup can.

I’d say you have insecurities or as a couple you have issues if you’re thinking into it. Sorry though because it’s crap when you’re happy about something and then it’s short lived

Mmm, it's hardly a relationship standard to aspire to. I don't know which partner it came from, could be both, but I suspect that is not something most people want to emulate.

I don't understand the anti makeup brigade. What exactly is wrong with makeup.

You are misunderstanding. It's the expectation, the requirement, that we're pushing back against. People thinking we have no pride in ourselves or that we are the equivalent of slobs in filthy clothes, or farting men.

No. It's perfectly possible to like ourselves just as we are. To see ourselves as complete without 'putting a face on' as someone said.

I care about my skin so I drink water, have never smoked and I wear sunscreen. My mother, at my age, had several melanoma treated and I don't want that. It doesn't mean I need to wear concealer, foundation, blush, eye makeup, lipstick or whatever each time I see people.

I have a couple of lipsticks I wear when I feel like it. Which is pretty rarely, to be honest. I have more perfume than makeup because I use that for myself, I like the scents.

We aren't saying makeup is awful, we're saying the expectation that women invest time, mental energy and a lot of money on grooming when men can just wash and brush their hair is sexist bullshit we don't have to go along with.

I mean I personally prefer when men do a bit more than just wash and brush their hair - I think they too can look better if they use hair and beard products and lip balm. Heck I even like the New Romantic look with a bit of eyeliner, but each to their own! I think makeup can also be a means of self expression in the same was clothing and shoes and tattoos etc can - it’s not just about vanity - and looking younger - it can be a form of creativity

It is too hard to tell whether your husband meant this to be nasty or not, or maybe just blurted it out and immediately regretted it.
I think you must be feeling quite insecure generally to be so pleased with a couple of older guys guessing you were a few years younger than you are.
So, maybe he could be generally doing more to make you feel good about yourself? Does he ever give you compliments?

I think this is a topic that has been done to death on here (makeup/ styled hair).
It reminds me of my mil who occasionally goes off on one about how women don’t need makeup, men don’t wear it etc etc
For one thing I think more men than you’d expect would like to be able to wear a bit of makeup without fear of judgment. I know some who wear fake tan/ dye their hair, use skincare products. My dad used to be a musician and he would occasionally steal some of my mum’s concealer for on stage.
Other than that I think it’s fair to say that people look younger/ better with well applied makeup because it’s the whole point of it.
Even though she doesn’t see it this way, I always think it’s alright for my mil to go on about no one needing makeup and not caring about what people think. She has very good skin - even tone etc. Lots of people including her own dc and me have skin problems and mainly wear makeup due to insecurity. It becomes a habit. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t had very bad acne or other skin problems is in a position to tell others that they don’t need makeup etc, especially to go on about it because they don’t know how it actually feels to get judged/ stared at/ negative comments about their skin.

This. I wear makeup sometimes, and there are times in my life when I've really enjoyed it. As a teen, I resented the fact that I couldn't wear the makeup I wanted to wear in school. So as you say, it isn't the makeup itself but the expectation.

A person could apply theirs with a trowel and still understand that this is their own personal standard, not a universal. For all I care people can put makeup on every time they go for a shit so the toilet doesn't see them without it. You do you. Just don't make it about others. It's not about your choices, it's about attitude.

There's a brigade? Do we get a uniform and badges?

Nothing is wrong with make up. Everything is wrong with believing make up is required if you're a woman. Make up is a fun optional extra.