AIBU to refuse BIL’s 40th holiday we can’t afford?

[Holidaybirthdaydrama]

BIL turns 40 soon and has decided on a week long holiday to celebrate. We can’t afford it and DH has explained this to him but he’s expected to go ?
it’s causing issues but we can only just afford our family getaway we can’t add more expenses. DH has said they’ll do something together before or after. MIL has said brothers should celebrate these things together ? But it’s not like anyone is offering to pay for DH!!

YANBU
If he wants a big do he pays for it OR is mindful that not everyone can afford it and that’s ok

What do you want us to say?

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

So obviously just keep repeating that 🤷‍♂️

'Sorry, we just can't afford it. If he wants to celebrate together we'll do something local.'

It doesn’t matter that people are expecting him to go, they can’t make him. He’ll just have to be firm.

Messages to mum and brother: I wish I could afford but I can’t. What do you expect me to do?

I know some will not agree with me but I think your BIL is being a bit ott expecting the whole family to attend his week long birthday extravaganza… he seems a bit precious.

Youre obviously not unreasonable. “Thanks for thinking about us but we can’t afford it, we don’t mind celebrating with you another time but a week long holiday for your 40th isn’t feesable for us”

Even if you could easily afford it it's not up to BIL or MIL to dictate what you do with your time and money . It's a big ask for a poxy 40th birthday. Not like the majority of people don't achieve it 😕

Is this the one in South America?

I would tell MIL that you simply cannot afford it but if she wants to pay for it you'd happily accept. She'll either stop going on about it or pay for you. Its a win, win.

Is DH absolutely firm on not being able to go though? Or is it more that he would try and make it work if you were on board?

just checking the issues aren’t secretly your DH wanting to go but not saying that…

MIL and BIL can say what they like but they can’t force your DH to go.

He just needs to keep firm to his (very sensible boundaries)

Asking a family member to go into debt for your birthday party is extraordinarily self centred and entirely unacceptable.

No I haven’t posted about this before. It’s Las Vegas

If BIL wants his entire family at his birthday bash, he needs to find something that's within the means of all family members, or pay for those who can't afford it!
Doing otherwise is crass and insensitive.

Mind you, you'd have to pay ME to get me to go Vegas, and even then I'd think twice about it.

Do you think your DH wants to go?

Regardless of finances, it is ridiculous for a man of 40 to dictate to his siblings when and where they go on holiday.

The MIL is being even more ridiculous.

Go on holidays you want to go on, not those that are dictated by others.

If we could afford it yes

Las Vegas! Has he factored in the cost of flights now after the Iran war? Long haul flights we booked 6 months ago for £800 are now £2k

I suggest MIL should pay for it if she has a strong opinion. Even then it is your DH's annual leave and it's unlikely MIL would pay expenses while there.

I’m not sure what else there is to say or discuss. You can’t afford it. there’s no more discussion after that really.

I consider myself a fairly well travelled person and Las Vegas is the one of the most expensive places I’ve been. If you/he/together can’t afford it now, it will only be worse when you get there.

As lovely as it all to want to celebrate with our family and do all these lovely things, money is a factor.

Mil is being a bit ridiculous really. I’m a mum to all adult boys and I’d love them all to be together constantly. To celebrate everything together, to be together. But the reality is very different on so many levels, they all have varying levels of wages, kids, responsibilities etc

Urgh! I wouldn't go to LV whether I could afford it or not. So naff! That's a very odd choice as it's a real marmite place.

Very odd to insist family go on a 40th let alone to Vegas. Don't make a big deal of it, just bat it off if it gets mentioned again and say you're sad/sorry but nothing you can do and change the subject.

What the F is wrong with some mid life crisis sufferers approaching the big 40?

Nothing beats a get together in the pub or house with a mahoosive birthday cake , lots of grog, plenty of food, and a bit of fun. People can come and go as they please.

BIL's bash is a bit unrealistic in the current COL and world events climate. It's like a destination wedding. If I wouldn't go for my own holiday I'm not going just to be a hanger on.

Decline. Gracefully but truthfully and say no more about it.

Why are you involved though OP? Surely go it’s for DH to refuse then for the family to offer to pay for DH if they want? It doesn’t really have much to do with you. If it was your brother you’d be sorting it

“Nothing beats a get together in the pub or house with a mahoosive birthday cake , lots of grog, plenty of food, and a bit of fun. People can come and go as they please.”

to be fair, plenty beats that 🤣

This is very annoying of them! You can’t afford what you can’t afford so you’ll just have to say that on repeat. With these big things, you either have to to do them locally where people can come or you have to pay for people. You can’t expect someone to magic money from nowhere.

I've had the same question.
My guess is, DH wants to go and thinks they can afford it. OP thinks they can't. Family applying pressure on her as the once in charge of family budget.