AIBU to refuse BIL’s 40th holiday we can’t afford?

[Holidaybirthdaydrama]

BIL turns 40 soon and has decided on a week long holiday to celebrate. We can’t afford it and DH has explained this to him but he’s expected to go ?
it’s causing issues but we can only just afford our family getaway we can’t add more expenses. DH has said they’ll do something together before or after. MIL has said brothers should celebrate these things together ? But it’s not like anyone is offering to pay for DH!!

Exactly!

Was going to say, I've never been myself but hasn't it got a lot more expensive in the past couple of years? It's not a place I'd want to go if I couldn't comfortably afford it. It's not like going to say a fly and flop AI on the Med where you genuinely could spend the whole time in the resort/beach and spend nothing if you want.

He needs to ask them if they understand what can't afford it means, and why they want his mortgage to go unpaid for a holiday.

He needs to be very blunt.

I hate familys like that.
Thinking all siblings should be together for everything even when the grow up.
Fuck off would be my words dont like it get over it your a grown man.

This is kind of sad. BIL is turning 40 and he doesn’t have his own family to hang out with for a week so he has to drag everyone else along? Or perhaps he’s a massive narcissist who needs everyone to worship him for a week.

Use the assertive defence stuck record technique. So state that you understand his position, but this is your position and what you want to have happen next. So something like: “I know the celebration is important to you, but we cannot attend, please don’t keep asking.” and repeat that any time this is mentioned.

It incredibly selfish to expect people (even family) to have the time, the money, the annual leave and the inclination to spend a week celebrating THEIR event. A lot of people wouldn’t be able to commit more than an overnight stop for a party maybe, no need to feel guilty.

I dislike this sort of excluding behaviour. If you love him you would come emotional blackmail. And how inconsiderate to have a holiday for a celebration. Conditional love is what it is. We will be loving providing you do as we want and expect. Step a toe out of line and then we will might not. And you will have to explain yourself.

He could have been proactive and thought about this when he was 39, that would have given your husband a year to save or pay off a cc. You can't go round setting up week long holidays in Vagas without much notice and expect people to have that money spare.

I’m betting they want you to cancel family holiday for this.

Just say you'd love to come along...however? Someone would need to cover the costs as financially you cannot. If they really want you to go that much they need to put their hands in their own pocket.

Do none of you have children?

I like Vegas.. but who can just waltz off for a week to Vegas just for a Brother’s 40th Birthday Celebrations? Money, your own holidays, your annual leave etc, any kids/pets.

Ridiculous expectation from them.

BIL sounds like a massive C word

Not read full thread...but they can expect as much as they want. So what. You have told them u don't have the money. Ignore now and get on with your lives.

That’s a lot of money to spend on someone else’s birthday. Why doesn’t bil just go with his wife or gf?

That's a massive expense. It's not like it's a UK trip.
A flat - no, sorry I/we can't afford it is enough.

He is 40 ..it’s time he grew up and stopped acting like a spoilt kid !
Destination celebrations are fine but don’t expect everyone to drop everything and raid their wallets to go .
Don’t make a big deal about it , or get into arguments about it ..just say “ shame we can’t make it but l know it will be fab " ..repeat to anyone who thinks they have the right to challenge you .

Ridiculous and selfish, does he expect you to get into debt to celebrate his birthday ? Crazy

Does he have enough annual leave to abandon the family for a week? Of course he'd like to go but you have to get the priorities right. Wife and kids take priority over siblings and partners. M>I>L should keep out of it! Arrange a family BBQ as there are bound to be others in the family in the same position. Frankly with the conflicts currently happening in the world I'd be staying in my own country , even if it was a freebie, first class on a cruise liner!!!

We had this when BIL decided to get married in Australia. We had 4 dc under 9 at the time and no spare money. In-laws went on and on about attending. I said no based on flight time and cost and they suggested just DH went. He said no because that would mean no family holiday for us and me being sole parent for two weeks.
in-laws went on and on about it even though DH wasn’t close to BIL.
we didn’t go and when in-laws got back they said the flight was awful and they could understand our decision!

Who on earth has a week long holiday which they expect extended family to come to for their 40th? What an entitled chump. Tell him you are happy to have a drink or dinner with him to celebrate and to get real.

I would hope most would agree with you. The BIL is ridiculously self-indulgent. If he needs a week to celebrate his existence, then he should bloody well pay for it.

BIL is the one being unreasonable here.

What an ask/expectation/demand for ANY celebration. Who are these people??!!

Thanks for asking again but nothing has changed and we are still unable to have a weeks holiday anywhere for the 40th celebration. Have a great time. X

Wow - if the brother was so keen on people coming perhaps he should lower the bar on where he goes. What a lavish expectation to put in a family (you didn’t say if you have kids) or whether you live in America - if you don’t then the price would be insane.
I recall a stag once wanted to do this and even did a presentation on how they could save for it, needless to say it didn’t happen as after the excitement died down everyone bar 1 person realised they could not afford or justify it. We’re in uk so it would have been expensive.

This
it’s like when people get married and expect people to attend expensive stag & hen do’s and oh by the way, its £1000 but everyone is “treating” the hen (who’s usually better off than everyone else!!) and so can everyone pay an extra £50 😱

it’s along the same lines I would just say no I can’t afford it end of x

So many OPs give up on their threads.

Sorry I’ve been working plus unwell so hadn’t caught up on replies. MIL has offered to lend the money but we’ve said no as don’t want the debt. She’s called me controlling!