AIBU to refuse BIL’s 40th holiday we can’t afford?

[Holidaybirthdaydrama]

BIL turns 40 soon and has decided on a week long holiday to celebrate. We can’t afford it and DH has explained this to him but he’s expected to go ?
it’s causing issues but we can only just afford our family getaway we can’t add more expenses. DH has said they’ll do something together before or after. MIL has said brothers should celebrate these things together ? But it’s not like anyone is offering to pay for DH!!

Well YKWIM! Anything would beat a week in that cesspit of craps and hookers and exorbitant prices in LV 😊

I'd expect BIL to suggest a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon to top it all off aswell. Yee Haw.

Has your dh considered how much spends he will need /be expected to lose at the casino?
Anyone can declare they want a week's birthday celebration.. Only a knob would expect guests to pay.

Or they can afford one ticket but two is a bit much 😉

I had a friend who replaced their roof to stop herDH going to his brothers wedding in Thailand once.

it was only when the family said they’d pay for him but not her that she found the money

yeah are you sure this isn’t DH passing on the pressure so you agree to sacrifice family holiday for him to go on naff LV shindig?

OP, is this some sort of midlife siblings/family stag do or are you and your child(ren) supposed to go too?
Las Vegas isn't really a family destination and for a lads do, a week would be a long time.
I'd wonder what the participants would be expecting to do. Gambling for a week could cost a fortune and if it's supposed to be a family trip there are better places to have fun as families with the possibility of some gambling on the side.
Does BIL have a wife and children?
A bit more context would help.

"We can't afford it" Rinse ands repeat.

I think you should cancel your own holiday and/or other things you want or need to do and instead go on the very important 40th bash.

If you don't have enough cash still then take out a loan , and if the banks won't give it to you look for a shark.

Seriously, just say no. Firmly.

Why doesn't he tell his mum he will go if she's going to pay for everything, otherwise she has no say in his decision.

Even if your DH could scrape together enough for the actual holiday, he will still have to apply for and pay for an ESTA.
Also, as pp's have said, Las Vegas is horrendously expensive once there plus huge tips are expected constantly let alone if he got roped in with gambling which is so, so easy to do.
We have been twice and have to say it was great in the mid 80's but nowadays it is an overpriced sleaze pit and nothing at all resembling our first visit. Wild horses wouldn't get me back.

We have this problem in DP's family. They keep announcing holidays/expensive meals which they've obviously decided on between them, and then tell us. They have a lot of money as they inherited a really large amount each from their dad's dad, and DP is the eldest with another dad so got nothing. They go to the football together which we have no interest in, which is when I think the conversations must happen. So we can never afford to go, and therefore miss out on a lot of family things. Whenever we try to plan something cheaper, people are always busy. YANBU not going, and I am sorry that you're in this situation.

MIL has said brothers should celebrate these things together ?
Well maybe MIL should be paying then!! It's not like it's a meal out or drinks in the local pub. Money aside, I wouldn't be using my annual leave on someone else's precious holiday of choice.

This. Two grown adults, who is going to force you?

YANBU! Why do people do this and put pressure on everyone! Stand your ground.. I know I would.

Exactly.

If the mother makes any more comments, he could ask:
Do you expect me to take out a loan or get into debt to join you all on this holiday? I will happily celebrate with a pint in the pub or tea and cake at our house but I am shocked you expect me to spend a thousand pounds I don't have to prove I am happy to celebrate a family birthday. Of course I am, but I am not happy to get in debt for it and not at all happy that you would expect me to.

You describe it very well according to my DH. Although he did enjoy the helicopter ride over the canyon!

I have two relatives who do this loads. Their favourite hobby is committing other people's money. They have a Grand Vision and then are hurt when family members don't point their hard earned money and annual leave at their Grand Vision.

My feeling is that if you want a particular group of people in a particular place to celebrate your event then you can always pay their fare. Not appealing? Guess it's a local celebration then.

Let them say what they like - you can't afford it and you're not going. Just keep saying it.

Anyone who tells you you should go - "we will go if you're paying for us all to go"

repeat infinitum.

Otherwise tell them to stop being an arse demanding people go on a week long holiday for a birthday.

They can cause issues if they want, it doesn't mean your husband needs to participate. He has told them it's not possible, so that's the end of the discussion.
Brothers celebrating a 40th birthday together is something his mother just made up, no one needs to give it a moment of thought.

Your MIL can say it's family so you have to come as much as she likes, that makes no difference to your finances and no way should you get in debt just for a 40th birthday. Of course your DH would like to go with his DB but if you don't have money to spare then it's not possible. LV sounds appalling anyway, who wants to spend a week in a casino in the desert

This. No one can force you to make a flight booking at gunpoint.

That’s ridiculous. If your bil wants everyone to go on holiday, he should be paying for it. Since when did it become a thing to expect someone to pay £1000s for your 40th?

Magic money trees do not exist.
He can moan all he needs to, it won’t change anything.

MIL has said brothers should celebrate these things together

What a load of shit. If she really thinks that, she can pay for him to go, but they're not children so their priority is not each other but their own family hols. MIL's view is irrelevant.