AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

I don’t think the op answered if she and her husband have ever gone away alone together.

I would assume they did for their honeymoon but maybe not.

Tbh, I think its difficult in a later in life marriage of just 6 years to thinks of finances as 'ours' rather than his and yours. You both had established lives, and spending patterns, his including an adult daughter who he wants to help financially, and its a bit difficult to come in and want to change his habits of 26 years in such a short time.
He wants to do these things. They are things that benefit him too and I doubt he'll give them up easily.
If I were you I'd think about separating at least part of your finances so that at least its 'he pays...' rather than 'we pay...'. I realise that doesn't put more money in his pocket to do things with you, but at least you're not spending your money too.

We have a couple of times but not in the last 2 years, the last time was our honeymoon.

No, as I said he can spend what he likes, despite it being disproportionate, after shared expenses are met- but the poster shouldn't pay.

I think more than money is the feeling you never get time off without his daughter and grandchildren also being there. Which you do need. You need to feel as important to him as his daughter and grandchildren. And want him to want to spend time just with each other.
Spain, Norfolk, Greece. He may well assume you see the grandchildren as your grandchildren too. When you got together you knew he had a daughter. But it is not the same as if she was your daughter.
Spain, Greece and Norfolk. Agree a holiday budget and put in a requirement for a holiday for just the two of you….

I'd suggest stopping the weekly lunches - that probably ends up being £25 a week, so £100 a month, £1200 a year. They aren't NECESSARY.
Swimming lessons are pricey but important- could your SD contribute (say 25%) of the cost?

This - you’re several years younger than me and dh and we manage to do housework, shopping and work full time. It’s nice of you to look after the GC for a couple of half days in the holidays - perhaps you could suggest you take annual for one of those half days and your dh does the same. Then you work more and you’ll have much more spare cash for holidays.

I dont think you are being entirely unreasonable
Yes, of course all of this is lovely of your DH.
However when you add it up over a month its probably £60 for the swimming lessons for 2 children (this is what I pay for my 2 at local leisure centre), and around £25/30 every Saturday.
I can see how approx £170 a month and the cost of including them in 3 holidays a year, impacts on your daya to day financial freedom, and choices around meals out, or days out etc.

A small reworking of things, (such as lunches at home 2 out of 4 Saturdays, and reducing the holidays a bit) could make a big enough of a difference.

You only work 3 days a week! He's a lovely dad and grandfather and you should be grateful he's also subsidizing you. If he weren't married to you, he could do even more for his grandchildren.

If you want more money, go earn it.

No he couldn’t as he would need to pay everything from one wage packet.

She does earn it through unpaid labour

Cooking cleaning childcare etc

Op I think he sounds lie a really good dad and grandad
He's not spending it down the pub nor gambling

I think the issue is that you never get to spend a Saturday together doing something as a couple.

you need to go through your budget and work out what needs to be saved as say the car broke down tomorrow what would you do if it was too expensive to fix. Do you have an emergency fund.

remember the daughter is also gettingUC as well as her wage.

if you want to go back to work for for your own mental health and finances then do so.

you don’t get to go to Spain after saving all year. It will get more expensive as the children grow up.

you need to speak up as this will build up as further resentment which could lead to another divorce.

you are a couple as well as grandparents

You were right not to include them yeah, glad you have seen that the consensus is for your step daughter, she's been through the mill and it sounds like you all have a lovely relationship so quibbling over money isn't the thing to do to retain that most precious thing.

Is this shared money? Or his own? It matters.

If it’s coming out of shared finances then of course you shouldn’t be paying for something that you don’t want to! I think it’s lovely that he does this for her but swimming lessons and the caravan holiday is more than generous coming from someone who is a low earner. If he wants to splash the cash (if it’s shared) then he needs to earn more. You shouldn’t be missing out on a meal out every week just so that his daughter can - that’s ludicrous! Also, is he sure that she is as cash poor as she claims? I was very well off when I was a single Mum working part time, UC on top of maintenance and a PT salary isn’t always bad. Free prescriptions etc all adds up. She may have more disposable cash than you do.

If it’s his own money, then I don’t think it’s really your business. If he knows you’re unhappy and still does it then what can you do?

I would be tempted to do a benefits calculator (free online) all you need to do is better her rough pay, amount of children etc and suggest to him that she claim UC as she could get some financial help (you’ll have to play dumb because she will already be claiming I’m sure) but if you show him just how much she ‘could’ get it might shock him when he realises she’s not doing as badly as he thought.

You might have to walk away OP, it’s not really fair that she has an extra holiday than you do and gets to eat out once a week and you don’t is it? And if the children are so young it’s not changing anytime soon.

I think maybe think what is the thing you would like to do- and both save towards doing that too. Make it specific so you can work out how to do it not just “I want more money for us”

I’m an only child, my dad would sell his soul for me and I don’t think you’ll be able to change the current situation if he’s anything like my dad. But he would be willing to do things you wanted. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for swimming lessons but be hard to stop as he’s already doing it, or Sunday lunch- I’d just have it at home.

On a positive his daughter and grandchildren hopefully will help you both when your old as sound close knit.

I dated a guy once who had lots of money holidays etc but he was horrible, sometimes simple life with nice person is better xx

I think he sounds lovely and if it was your daughter and grandchildren you’d be really pleased he was so much fun and so generous . If you want a second car , tell him and save for it.

Is it jointly your money or his and you have separate pots? If YOU are contributing to all this and don’t want to, don’t. If he wants to, upto him really and bit unreasonable if it brings him joy. I see it from both sides.

You all sound lovely and I get why you feel a bit put out - as the extra spends is going mainly to his daughter with nothing left over for treats (couples holiday, regular lunches) with you. I think you are justified in raising this with him and looking for a bit more balance and to prioritise some luxuries for you as a couple.

I can’t believe people are saying this is ‘normal’ or reasonable.

Imagine I said “I’m 26 with two children. I’m a single parent. My kids dad pays child support but doesn’t seem them. I would like my dad and stepmother to babysit for me for free twice a week; take me and the kids for lunch once a week, pay for my main family holiday and another holiday to Spain annually, and also a weekend away. Oh, and I’d like them to pay for the kids swimming lessons too.” I’d be quite rightly told I was being a CF.

Around the age of 19/20 I started telling my own parents ‘no thank you’. I would have hated seeing them penny pinching, to maintain my lifestyle.

Im not saying your stepdaughter is a CF btw. She’s probably just used to this setup. But I certainly won’t be doing anything like this for my son when he’s 26. He’ll be expected to maintain his own blooming lifestyle. Why are we so adamant that we must treat our offspring as forever babies. She chose to have two children. The father pays for his children. Life is a series of choices and consequences.

Op, you and your husband should be enjoying your lives too. Holidays. Time out together. I think penny pinching and not living the life you want to, in order to pay for adult children is ridiculous.

The problem is getting your husband to realise. I certainly would not be contributing to this financially, nor would I be doing childcare. I’d tell DH that I’d like more holidays so need to go back to work the extra days to afford them.

And posters her saying “oh, I think it’s lovely”. Lol!!!
I’ve noticed second wives and stepmothers really don’t deserve lives apparently.

My husband pays for lots of holidays for me and him, and lots of treats … AND he is a really nice guy and a fantastic dad to our adult son.
And no, he doesn’t pay for all of our son’s treats too. Our son is expected to earn and be independent.

@24kPalamino except its 16 half days of childcare a year, not twice a week every week. Its kind of the OP but nowhere need as time-consuming as two full days a week every week. And two of the holidays are her dad inviting her on his holiday. There also doesn't seem to be an expectation from the daughter that this happens. She also shows her gratitude by hosting Christmas and Easter and treats them both for their birthdays.

Any penny pinching is surely because the OP had chosen to work part-time. As for enjoying their time, have you considered the idea that the OP's husband is happy with how things are and is enjoying his holidays and lunches with his daughter and grandchildren?

Lunch and drinks for 4 of them even in a cafe is probably not giving much change from £50

YANBU. This is too much. It’s too much if you aren’t able to afford any downtime without her and the kids there which is what’s happening.

Time for a frank discussion about needing some time away just the 2 of you. You’ll probably find you don’t bother about the rest as much if you can get a holiday yourselves.

This and as a GP, I see my money as being for my GC.
Swimming lessons, take aways, holidays, school uniforms etc.
All part and parcel of the family unit

Would your DH agree to cafe lunch one week and lunch at your house the following week?