AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

It’s 16 days too many. She cooks dinner twice a year! Wow. That’s really amazing considering how much support she’s getting.
And I couldn’t care less if daddy enjoys it. It’s ridiculous. What will she do when he’s not there anymore?
26 is an adult. A fully grown functioning, adult.
I couldn’t live like this, I’d give an ultimatum and then bugger off and buy a car for myself and a holiday.

Are you a grandparent?

Wow

Wow indeed.

It’s no wonder this country is in the state it’s in, when parents are treating 26-year-olds like little babies.

The DD should understand that you would like a holiday with her dad without them tagging along surely?

As they go to Norfolk in April and then Spain in May for free, you could drop the October holiday for them and go just the two of you. You could suggest this or simply plan a different style of holiday (touring etc..) that wouldn't be appealing/suitable to his DD and kids, so they opt-out.

When do you get quality time with just you and your DH, OP?

Well all the time? We live alone. So every Sunday is just us, church then we usually go for a nice walk (we live in Cumbria so we have lots of gorgeous walks around us), Saturday is usually just us, then he goes for lunch with his daughter for an hour or 2 sometimes I join, but mostly it’s their time, then we have all afternoon and evening to do things together.

That’s ok then. I was just wondering! I still think the holidays are excessive though and you should definitely have one where it’s just you and DH.

I think you sound like a lovely family who all treat each other well, and it would be a great set up if you had enough money for yourselves as well. However, YANBU to want some outings and holidays with your DH. I wouldn't want to only eat out / go away with my DC as a GP so I understand your position. The question is, does he feel the same? could you broach it and see what he suggest - how could you save money to have a holiday together etc?

I think cutting the October AI holiday would be the simplest way to afford your own holiday, while still keeping the other holidays. It just depends if your dh is willing to cut that. It does sound like you all have regular quality time together as well as the holidays.

I would not cut the swimming lessons, partly as it's probably only £50-70 a month so the cheapest contribution you make, and partly because the DD would have to take over the payments and might struggle now she's used to it.

@cestlavielifeof course café lunch is extravagant. It’s for 5 people and it’s weekly. It’s also being paid for by a GP receptionist and a council worker living in a council house.

Now if they were high earners then fair enough. Dh and I earn well and we wouldn’t do this. In fact we rarely eat out .

If you are having to penny-pinch after all of this then YANBU.
It is excessive.

I see nothing wrong with it but then I also think money comes and goes and frequently spend my (limited) disposable income on friends and family. What is meant to be spent on you/your money will never miss you, no matter how much you give to others.

A lot of these things are for him as well so they are improving his quality of life.

@Sgreenpy please show me a cafe where 5 people can eat out for £25. That wouldn’t even buy egg and chips with no drink my way.

Different perspective. I lost my mum at a young age and also became a single mum. My dad wanted to do as your husband does and my stepmother was like you, would rather not. It was a really difficult experience for me and I always knew she’d rather I wasn’t there.

They kind of are. Ask a swimmining instructor. Particularly baby/mum lessons.

This nails it.

I also have family in Norfolk and looked at caravan prices last year. Haven sites were fifty quid for 5 nights in a 6 berth in April (wayyy more in school hols but sounds like they aren't that age yet?) so I wouldn't be too worried. Can he cook lunch for them on Saturdays instead? Are you living within your means or is this spending getting you into debt? If it isn't and you'd prefer to save then it might be worth thinking about what you would like to be saving for. Most parents would like to be saving for their kids future.

YABU, the realisation is she has been his daughter a lot longer than you have been his wife! He subsides you and you’re comfortable with that! The Spain holiday keeps her and her children close to her mother’s family which she and her dad obviously want! I suggest if you want more money not asking your husband to stop helping his daughter which he clearly enjoys and up your days from 3 days so you earn more money!!

On what? £200 a month? Dream on haha

I was assuming just Grandad, daughter and two young children.
I go out for lunch with a friend quite a lot and I reckon we each spend between £10 and £15, on a light lunch/brunch - avocado & eggs on toast/breakfast sandwich/baked potato and pot of tea for two. Yorkshire prices!!

I don't think either of you are unreasonable as such.
But maybe now it's warmer weather they could have a picnic rather than the cafe every week or make one holiday a cheaper option so you have time for your own.

I think you will find this is called ' Financial abuse'. This, in my experience, is a ONE WAY FLOWING STREET and it's a very easy trap to fall into. Been there done that. Just because its FAMILY does not make it right. If I was you I would keep a Ledger and Log full payments in the Leader. I would not mind betting that your husband has no idea and has become desensitised to the generosity flowing out from your side. This irritates me no end as plenty of youngsters are forced to pay their own way in life and can't leech off older parents.

Your husband sounds like an absolutely wonderful father.

I lost my dad at 6 and my mum was a single parent who struggled financially. My grandparents stepped in and took us on holidays every year, paid for swimming lessons as well and frequently took us out for dinner/lunch or day trips out.

What he is doing doesn't seem excessive, especially as dad is the only support for his daughter, given the child's father isnt about and the mother has died.

If it ia a huge issue for you, the only way to resolve is to separate finances and ensure that your husband is the only one contributing to his daughter.

She's his daughter, and like it or not, she's been on the scene a lot longer than you have.
I'd tread carefully because he's always going to choose her and his grandchildren over you.
And you risk looking like the wicked stepmother.