AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

You need to increase your hours.

So you think this man shouldnt be able to spend his earnings on things that make him happy? What on earth do you spend your disposable income on then - things that make you miserable?

As for what the daughter will do when her dad dies? I assume mourn him like most people do when they lose someone they love. Obviously she won't have the holidays with him anymore, that's not a reason to stop the holidays now. She also won't be able to speak to him anymore so do you think she should also stop speaking to him now because "what will she do when he's not there anymore"?

The OP can't afford to bugger off and buy a car and a holiday. She only makes £1200 a month. She would have to work more hours just to be able to afford her rent and basic living costs.

This is certainly not 'Financial abuse', have you RTFT?

Can the Spain trip be moved to every other year and then you can alternate with your own holiday with DH?

I think you all sound reasonable, and maybe just some tweaks are needed.

Yanbu to want a bit more for yourself here.
It doesn't make sense to me that DSD gets 3 holidays when you get 2!

Maybe approach DH and say you love how much he cares for his DD and DGC, and you too. That you'd like to look at ways to continue doing this while also being able to put aside a bit more money for you both to enjoy a break as a couple once in a while. You could suggest:
Him making lunch at home for DGC on Saturdays and putting the money saved into a little savings pot.
You taking up term time work on your extra 2 days, and him stepping up more with your households tasks.
Saying you are open to any suggestions from him if he'd like a couple of weeks to think about it.

She doesn't sound greedy, he sounds nice AND you sound nice and you are allowed to need a bit more for yourself.

If he's not opening to adjusting at all that would be a shame. In that case I would look at boosting your income and using that money to treat yourself. The kids are young and there could be another 15 years of this.

Edit to say - please do not downplay your contribution of childcare and maintaining your home!

He is spending ‘their’ money. Not his.
If he was on his own, he might not be able to afford to give so much either. They are also a married couple. Op, is also supporting the daughter with childcare. She is facilitating him being the generous dad.

And all of this is happening at OP’s expense. It is not kind or lovely. Although op does sound like a lovely person to have gone along with this so far.

I’d rather be alone and poor, but able to meet someone who treats me like a princess too. I’m not saying he should abandoned his daughter, but this level of financial support is over the top for what they earn. And it is impacting on their own lives.

So those were likely poor lessons (were you able to watch the lessons? If so, did your DC follow what they were told to do?). That's not typical (or no one would be paying for swimming lessons for their child...)

To add to my previous post, YANBU to want more holidays with just your DH.

YABU to begrudge what he spends on his daughter. Your DH's priority will always be his DD and DGCs. You knew the context, presumably, before you married?

YABVU to only be working three days a week in a low paid job, but wanting the lifestyle of a full-time salary.

As I said in my previous post, you need to increase your hours, or get a better paid job. Besides the current holiday budget issue, you need to think about your long-term financial security.

The holiday childcare is a red herring, or maybe an excuse which allows you to work just three days per week for most of the year. You're all on holiday together for two weeks of the school holiday (AI in October, Norfolk another week) and provide no childcare the week DSD is in Spain. She will have to find another solution for the weeks she is not on holiday.

Working just three days a week when you have no children to take care of is a luxury, and it appears you can't afford it. I don't think there is any financial abuse here at all from the husband. If you want more money to spend on you, you need to earn it.

Split the shopping and cleaning between you on a Saturday morning (most people do manage this) then you can work more hours in the week, have money for holidays and still have all of Sunday to spend together with nothing else to do. You can’t have 2 days a week off all year in anticipation of just providing childcare in the holidays. Your SD will just have to sort that out as it’s not fair on you.

It must have been heartbreaking for him to lose his wife and the mother of his daughter when she was just a young teen.

He looks to have been an exemplary father to have supported her at this hideous time through education for her to have achieved so much.

How he spends your/his money shows where his values are. He has very strong family values and is prioritising this as well as cultural identity. I think the Spanish trips to see family are critical (as someone who lost a parent as a child who was from another country) as it keeps her mothers memory and culture alive and I assume it’s what they would have done if his wife had lived. His deceased wife’s family must be distraught and to connect with her daughter and grandchildren will be magical and healing for them all.

Similarly the Norfolk holiday - special cultural experiences that give her roots and anchors.

Cafe lunch with your only motherless child and grandchildren seems basic enough - this young woman does have a Co-parent, in laws, a mother, or siblings to share the ins and outs, joys and burdens of raising two toddlers with - that’s tough and lonely.

Her Dad has great values IMHO - if it’s your personal cash that’s funding it then that’s another story. I hope your DH is getting lots of pleasure from his DD and his grandchildren.

I wonder if your comment that she worked part time in a low grade admin job whilst being highly successful academically was a swipe? Because again I would praise her insight into focusing her finite mental energy, time and headspace on parenting the critical early years of her two young children who are deficient in another parent, three out of four grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.

The all-inclusive might be an extravagance but seems it’s at the cheapest time of the year and sounds like the only holiday where she gets a break.

A grown adult should not want to be treated like a princess. They should want to be an equal partner. And really, the OP is the one who has benefitted the most financially from this relationship, so if that's what you mean by being treated like a princess, then she is. She's the one who gets to work part-time time, she's the one who got to move out of a private rental into a council house, she gets two holidays a year. Who could afford two holidays a year on a £1200 a month salary?

Yes she does more around the house but how much is there realistically to do? I live by myself, work full-time and only need to spend a couple of hours a week on cleaning, laundry and the infamous "life admin".

Absolutely this. Excellent post

@24kPalamino

Has completely nailed it.

(We only have one person’s perspective on this situation…).

Like hell is this financial abuse. Also step-daughter hosts at the more demanding (and in the case of Christmas expensive) times of year, send things with the children, treats grandad and step parent for birthdays. Doesnt sound like a demanding CF to me.

I agree with the post that said this is just for a few short years and sets a good foundation for the future and for a time when grandad may need help. The kids will be off to birthday parties/ seeing friends on Saturdays in a few years. Step daughter will be able to earn more when they are in school.

I do empathise with the penny-pinching, especially during a worsening economy. I don't think it's so much that you're spending too much on her, but you need to maybe change some things at home. It's his daughter and grandchildren, and by the sounds of it she's had a really rough start in life. Those holiday's won't reflect the rest of her life. She's probably struggling just as much as you are, maybe even more. Just like your holidaying doesn't reflect the entirety of your life. You holiday, but still struggle financially. Those holiday's are probably really vital to everyone's mental health.

Shopping is something you can amend - Buy what's on offer at the time, rather than your usual. Shop around - The Range, B&M, Home Bargains (all amazing offers on branded food for freezer and cupboard. The Range have started doing TGI Friday food!)

Essentials- Bulk buy from TikTok shop

Clothing - Vinted, Shein, Ebay, Charity shops, online sales, online outlets

Buy in advance for your holidays

Can you increase your hours? Are there any job promotions going, or better paid jobs you can apply for? 2nd job? Any skills where you can make stuff from home and sell online? Sell on vinted?

Sorry if you are already doing all of this! Don't forget to do a financial calculator on Turn2Us, because it will show if you're entitled to any benefit top-ups. :)

I have read all OPs posts but not full thread. I think it’s wonderful he wants to spend this time with his daughter and grandchildren, it’s not like he’s paying for things for her (other than lessons which sounds like are a family tradition and maybe not something she can afford based on what you’ve told us), he’s paying for quality family time together with her and the children, something he benefits from, and is important to him. Bringing up the lunch with them once a week in particular seems mean. Surely this quality is one of the things you love about him, and also presumably you knew about all this before you married, so I’m wondering why you now seem to resent it? It sounds like you are well looked after in the relationship but are now a little jealous of the money & time spent on daughter and children which seems unfair. Please don’t begrudge them. You are choosing to bring less money into the relationship which is fine, but is relevant if you want more spent on holidays with you- you have the option to work more rather than ask for less money to be spent with his daughter & grandchildren.

Does he mainly do it to help her out or for the enjoyment of a nice day out / holiday / memories with his daughter and grandkids?

My in - laws and my dad are incredibly generous (within what is reasonable for their budgets!) they do it because they get so much enjoyment out of seeing their grandkids having fun, splashing in the pool, holding their hands or sharing their cake. My dad says it is the best of both as it brings back so many happy memories of his own kids plus you get the best with grandkids as you get all the fun without having to do the boring parenting.

However - it should be a balance especially if you are feeling the pinch financially and can’t live your life the way you want to. Perhaps he could give daughter the option - Spain or AI each year instead of both? Alternate weekend lunch out and lunch at home? Take GC to park for a run around and give her a few hours break?

The daughter is also a grown adult.

She is. And the OP's husband wants to treat his daughter just like he seems to want to treat his wife. Why is it wrong to treat his daughter and grandkids (and mostly to things he also benefits from) but not to subsidise his wife to enable her part-time working?

If you feel it is too much you could discuss the idea that the Norfolk holiday and the holiday abroad become alternating year holidays which would save some money for you to have a couples break (possibly also with the suggestion that the additional savings could go in a fund for a bigger holiday when the kids are old enough to remember it - such as Disney Paris).

As it is going in to spring /summer you could also suggest (given you have said you enjoy walks on a Sunday afternoon with your partner) that the Saturday Cafe Lunch becomes a family walk with picnic - possibly with either ice cream or a cup of tea at the cafe after (cost of just a cuppa compared to full meal will be a saving but still feel like a treat?).

I cannot get over these responses saying the OP deserves to be 'subsidised' by her husband!

Or why a healthy 50 year-old woman would want to be? Unless her husband was bringing in a very high salary and she had her own savings too, perhaps?

Everyone is different, every couple is different, but my mind cannot get around this.

This is slightly off-topic but OP, you're 17 years off retirement.

If you are earning a low wage, and a part-time one at that, what is your plan for that stage of life? Do you have one?

I am roughly your age and am doing my utmost to earn, save* and invest so that I can hopefully enjoy the same quality of life in retirement as I do now. (Holidays, treats etc as well as essentials). This would not be possible if I worked part-time. My quality of life would be poorer now, and much poorer in the future.

*alongside enjoying life now

As I said, off-topic, but it worries me when I see women hand over the financial reins to their own future like this.

Because his wife clearly feels that she is getting the thin end of the wedge and that there isn’t much left over for them as a couple. I thought the op explained this very well at the start of this thread. Penny pinching isn’t being treated at all and I don’t blame the op for feeling a bit unhappy about it all.

I know we talk about “family money” and how everything should be shared in a marriage/ relationship on here, but I really think that’s only where a couple have young children (young enough to need someone to compromise on their work schedule) together.

Where it really doesn’t work is where the couple in question have no dependent children, or even any children together, and especially where one has or both have children from previous relationships. Because the responsibilities are different but the freedom to earn money is the same.

In the first instance, the responsibilities are shared but the freedom to earn money is unequal.

Another perspective here, you got with a man (who I’m assuming was widowed?) who had an young adult daughter. This man sounds like a loving and present father and grandfather. The daughter sounds like she is hard working and doing her best, alone. You don’t mention she is ungrateful or anything like that and you don’t seem resentful of the time or unkind so could you, possibly, find it in you to start really loving them too? Thinking of them as your grandbabies and embracing this young single mum and offer her a friendship with you. Once a month Grandad could take the kids out for lunch and you two could go shopping/nails/lunch together? You could become to mean so very much to eachother. You don’t have children yourself, this seems like a beautiful opportunity to have a real family of around you.
my mother lost her mum when she was only 20, her father remarried and the woman who became my grandmother had no children and was a horrid jealous woman who refused to find joy in her stepchildren and then eventually the grandchildren. We always say how different things could have been if she’d just been able to choose love instead. I’m not suggesting you’re anything like her, just explaining why I have this opinion :-)