AIBU to think we spend too much supporting DH’s adult daughter?

[Loisy]

Good morning.

A little bit of backstory, I don’t have any children of my own, I’ve been with my DH for 6 years. My DH has one daughter who is 26, she’s intelligent, has a degree from Kings in London, but she has 2 children and is a single mum, she is doing an admin role at the local church, mainly as it’s super flexible and her children are young (3 and 4). Her mum passed away 9 years ago, her children’s dad isn’t involved at all (he pays maintenance but hasn’t seen his children in 2 years).

DH and I aren’t high earners, I’m a GP receptionist, he works for the council doing maintenance work, we live in a council house. My issue is I feel we spend a lot on his daughter and her children.

1. Her mother was Spanish so every may he pays for her to take the children to Spain, she has cousins in Cadiz and Valencia, alternates where she goes each year. It’s not crazy expensive, just 5 days, usually an Air BnB.
2. We pay for her and the children to go on holiday with us every October, normally an all inclusive usually, Greece or Sicily
3. His dad is from Norfolk, he gets quite nostalgic about this so the whole family do a caravan break in Norfolk in April, we pay her caravan and usually cover a lot of her other costs too. This one is with his parents, brother, niece and nephew and their children so would be hard to change.
4. He takes her and the children for lunch every Saturday, just a cafe lunch, but it adds up
5. We pay for the children’s swimming lessons, again it’s not crazy expensive but it adds up.

My issue is I feel this hurts our quality of life, we only have one car, other than the two breaks mentioned we don’t really go anywhere, some day trips maybe, we rarely eat out, and really it just feels like we are always penny pinching. Any suggestion we do less is always met with resistance. He feels the holidays are justified as family time, the Saturday lunch is grandads treat and the swimming lessons is just what his parents did for their grandchildren.

AIBU to feel like this is too much when we aren’t high earners ourselves?

Your grandfather's wife dNidnt become your grandmother though

Just thinking from the DD’s pov what it would sound like if your DH massively reduced things-

“Sorry love, I can’t give you so much any more as I have to subsidise my new wife to only work 3 days per week, even though there are no kids in our house and she’s squarely working age, and make sure she gets enough holidays per year and a ‘nice life’. I’m afraid I have to spend my money on her rather than you now.”

If my dad had done that when I was 26 I'd be jumping for joy that id got 10 extra years of him supporting me

16 half days! It's isn't much at all and presumably she offered .
OP has only been married to her husband for 2 years. She only works three days a week in a fault low paying job , her husband pays the rent in their home.
I doubt she could afford to buy a car or a holiday if she buggered off alone.
If her husband chooses to support his daughter and to invite her on holidays that I don't think OP is in wny position to insist he stops

How on earth can you describe this as financial abuse?
The father chooses to take his daughter and grandchildren on holiday with him, he a has lunch with them every week which is something he has asked to do because he used to do it when his daughter was a child, he pays for his grandchildren's swimming lessons because his parents paid for his child's swimming lessons. He is ensuring his daughter stays in touch with her Spanish family out of respect for his late wife.
He is choosing to do those things because he wants to. He is only 54 he isn't elderly or vulnerable. He knows what he is spending and he choosing to support his daughter which is his right. It is patronising and insulting to say he is being financially abused. And also insulting to people who have genuinely been financially abused

I’m sure the dd is very grateful her dad is helping her out. There’s nothing to suggest otherwise.

I’m just saying that transferring that generosity to someone else who, on paper, is more capable of being self supporting due to having no young kids would sting a bit.

Add up how much is spent on her, see what percentage of your joint income it is, and go from there.

I think we may have a few (wannabe?) kept women on this thread!

Agree 100% with the previous poster who pointed out that calling this financial abuse is insulting to those who have experienced it.

Not sure if you’re referring to my comments, but I always worked full-time, always paid 50-50, worked since I was 14, and come from a more affluent background than my better half. My parents could and have offered significant amounts of support, but I have told them over and over to go and enjoy their money.
Despite that, in my 20s I had three jobs at one time. As an adult I’ve always paid for everything I wanted and been completely independent and if my husband and I divorced, I would be more than okay. However, I expect him to put into my relationship what I do. We treat each other often and he we show each other appreciation in ways that don’t say ‘you aren’t my priority’ - especially when said priority is 26.

I certainly am not a ‘wannabe kept woman’, but I am incredibly passionate about what is fair. I will not tolerate unfairness in any form.

If op had said the daughter was 16, I’d have understood the dads pov more, but op deserves nice holidays as a couple and the ability not to live on a shoestring just because her husband is trying to be Daddy Warbucks on a budget. That, is not fair.

I provide financial support to my children (who are older than OPs SD) and pay for activities for my grandchildren, buy them clothes, take them out for meals etc? Would you call that financial abuse?
It isn't because it is my choice , they don't ask for anything and because I am perfectly capable of making that choice.
Just as it is OP's husband's choice. My children and grandchildren will always be my first priority. Luckily my husband agrees. I don't understand how it is in any way unfair it's just fact.
OP isn't living on a shoestring either. She goes on those holidays paid for by her husband and sometimes she goes to the Saturday lunches. Her husband pays the rent and probably the bulk of the bills. She has said herself she and her husband do spend a lot of time together.
It sounds as though they have a very nice life.
No financial abuse and no one is taking advantage of anyone. They are just a family helping each other.

These are things parents do. We never stop parenting.

I haven’t once called this financial abuse. I just call it stupid.

If you have enough money to do that for your children, and you want to, and they’re willing to accept great.

To me it didn’t sound like OP is in the same position as you. And she seems a little bit unhappy about it unlike you. And it’s not really for you to say whether the OP has sufficient holidays either.

So therefore the response I will give you is different to the one I would give OP.

Oh God, that’s what my sister‘s, ex‘s, parents always said.

The great big man child that he was. Such a liability.

But surely there comes a point when we stop paying?

Or should my Dad still be paying for my holidays? My mother sadly died too, but this doesn’t give my Dad any financial obligations

Of course we do-when the child is grown up. Sadly, for some, that never happens.

I always worked full-time, always paid 50-50
But the OP doesn't.

As an adult I’ve always paid for everything I wanted and been completely independent
Ditto

I am incredibly passionate about what is fair. I will not tolerate unfairness in any form.
And neither will I. But I think OP is being unfair for wanting her husband of two years to cut back on what he spends on his DD and DGCs, presumably after paying the lion's share of their shared expenses. What does the OP contribute?

Op deserves nice holidays as a couple. Well shouldn't she be trying ti find a way ti finance them too? Fair's fair.

Her husband is trying to be Daddy Warbucks on a budget. That, is not fair.
We have very different views on this point. Treating his daughter to lunch is playing Daddy Warbucks? Facilitating the relationship with her relatives, in the UK and Spain? Really?

Shopping is something you can amend - Buy what's on offer at the time, rather than your usual. Shop around - The Range, B&M, Home Bargains (all amazing offers on branded food for freezer and cupboard. The Range have started doing TGI Friday food!)
Essentials- Bulk buy from TikTok shop
Clothing - Vinted, Shein, Ebay, Charity shops, online sales, online outlets

I can’t believe someone is suggesting the OP adopts this level of economising to subsidise her step-daughters holidays

The op works and contributes and also babysits for a woman who is not her biological daughter, which allows her husband to work and earn family money, which he then gives to his daughter.

The daughter is 26.
And again, perhaps if he worked part time to babysit, op could go to work on those days.

She should. But so should he. He doesn’t want to because he wants to give his money away to an adult.

He’s doing a lot more than that. A lunch. Fine A holiday fine. You and I both know this is repeated lunches and holidays. It is not fair and you won’t convince me that it is.

People are utterly bonkers. Seriously, this country has issues. When did we all have to start supporting adults?!

When I die, my son will inherit everything. Before that, I intend to bloody enjoy my one and only life. I hope my son takes the same attitude with his kids.

Well I’d assume the reason for the swimming lessons is so they are confident and are able to swim WHILE on holidays 🫣 It’s not about just taking them swimming. But I’m curious as to why you feel swimming lessons are a scam? Shouldn’t all kids be taught how to swim as early as possible to try avoid them accidentally drowning?

The op works and contributes and also babysits for a woman who is not her biological daughter, which allows her husband to work and earn family money, which he then gives to his daughter

Are you seriously trying to suggest that her DH would not be able to work if OP didn't do 16 half days a year of childcare for his grandkids?

OP sounds lovely and very helpful and the desire to have a holiday just as a couple is very reasonable but come on. I'm sure he held down a job before OP was there devoting 4 days a week to the housework.

What?! The OP babysits for 16 half days per year! She's hardly sacrificing her full-time earning potential for this!

But you're right, maybe her DH could cover some of them. It's not a bad idea. That would allow OP to increase her hours at work and increase her own disposable invome, which she could then spend as she sees fit.

The daughter is 26. She lost her mum at 17. Has two young children who she is bringing up without their father. Her own mum is not around to help out. She could be relying on benefits but works. Her degree will no doubt allow her to build a career once the children are a little older.

I don't see it as wanting to 'give his money away to an adult', but rather supporting his DD and DGC as best he can, while still spending lots of quality time with his DW.

I still don't understand why a healthy 50 year-old woman needs two days a week to clean, shop and do 'life admin', and can't get a full-time job like the rest if us. Unless there's a massive drip feed coming?

The more I think about this, the more unreasonable I think she is.

Nope. I disagree. So op has a few pov now doesn’t she.

If you hosted dinner at yours instead of your husband paying for a meal out every single week that would save thousands over the year!

There is no "have to". This has been pointed out to you repeatedly. The woman's father is choosing to spend some of his disposable income on his daughter and grandchildren. He is spending his money on what brings him happiness, what the hell do you spend your disposable income on?