AIBU not wanting to use annual leave for stepdaughter’s childcare cover?

[crazycatladyof6]

Hello everyone, I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable. There’s a part of me thinks I am so wanted to know what others think. My husband and I have a granddaughter who we absolutely adore. We both work full-time and my husband actually doesn’t get much annual leave at all. It’s a bit of a problem. My stepdaughter works part-time 24 hours a week and our granddaughter goes to nursery on the days when her mum is at work and her other Nan who is very local collects her until Mum is home. She also takes her to nursery school in the morning. Unfortunately, my stepdaughter‘s mum needs to have some treatment and my stepdaughter has asked if we will have our granddaughter so she can go to work. This will mean that we will have to take annual leave to be able to have our granddaughter. One of the days I actually can’t do anyway because I’m already on annual leave for something that’s been booked for about eight months and then the other day I’m at work as is my husband and I’ve actually run out of annual leave at present. it does reset in April so I could take an annual leave day and this is where I need to ask AIBU to not want to take an annual leave day so my stepdaughter can go to work when it’s also my working day?

We don’t know if it’s cheeky fuckery or if it’s just busy at work. There are some periods of the year where if I took leave it would just push my work to evening to meet statutory deadlines. So I’d be working snatches of daytime and 8pm to 2am for a week and be an absolute wreck.

It is horribly unkind of the CF SD to try to purloin other people's hard earned days off. She should not even have asked and it was beyond entitled of her to do so.

Loving someone doesn't mean you should let them be unkind and a cheeky fucker to you.

So the CF SD can just do the right and loving thing and treat her stepmother and father with kindnenss and decency and use her own annual leave days on the days when she can't get someone else to look after her own child.

Being a good parent and loving them sometimes means not being a doormat and the OP sounds like she gets that.

Sounds like the OP won't be giving up her hard earned days off, and I am glad of that.

Nope, nothing was mentioned of that at all, can only go by what OP has said and she said the cheeky fucker SD can use her own or swap.

Your step daughter can pay for a one off extra day at nursery fior her daughter. Most nurseries are fine about this if it's an emergency. If you feel bad you can contribute to the extra nursery fees.

Just offer 1 day. I’m offering 1 day a school hol to look after my nephew from September. Would my brother do it for me? Maybe not, but I was a single parent with no local help, and he has little help as he’s a later in life baby, so I want to help. Will 1 day be that bad?

Have you never had a family member or friend help you out with childcare? Not once? Only ever used paid-for babysitters? Because a day off is valuable to most people whether it’s AL or rota or the weekend.

It would be cheeky to expect all the days to be covered by someone else without making full effort to cover them herself. It would be also cheeky to not happily accept no as the answer (but we don’t know whether that is the case here).

Otherwise, this is a single parent with no help from a co-parent, with a 4 year old at a nursery setting that doesn’t cover the school holidays (that seems a foolish choice on the face of it but we don’t know the circumstances). I’m guessing her own AL is probably stretched quite thin. She isn’t owed help from anyone but as a one-off if she’s really struggling I don’t think she’s out of order to ask.

You sound a rather mean-spirited person.

1 day in 4 years she's asked you for when stuck. 1 day in 4 years? That's not entitled that's asking for help when stuck.

Even nurseries that cover school holidays close over bank holidays quite frequently. Our closes 5 bank holidays a year, a previous one we used closed all bank holidays so 8/9 and was undoably difficult

I would too.

It’s not your problem to solve, OP. I wouldn’t dream of asking my parents to take annual leave to cover my childcare gap. It’s the parent’s problem to solve, not the grandparents’.

She can ask, you can say no. Personally I would and make a fun day of it. Sounds like you only do childcare on your terms usually, as the other Grandma covers essential childcare. I think it'd be kind to help as it seems like an exceptional situation rather than the norm.

You read it right. Would it help if it was written in UPPER CASE?

Agree.
lets balance this against al the “im so overwhelmed” posts on here.

Step daughter is single parenting a 4 year old and working. That’s a rough ride. We should assume that it’s she’s asking for help for 1 particular day it’s not because she’s lazy - it’s because her work schedule and nursery hours don’t always match!

Maybe she needs to take it unpaid or unbook the holiday? That's parenting sometimes.

I would take a days annual leave to help out family.

I’ve read your posts and I can’t work out when your husband’s annual leave year runs to and how much annual leave he has left.

It is horribly unkind of the CF SD to try to purloin other people's hard earned days off. She should not even have asked and it was beyond entitled of her to do so.
Loving someone doesn't mean you should let them be unkind and a cheeky fucker to you.

So the CF SD can just do the right and loving thing and treat her stepmother and father with kindnenss and decency and use her own annual leave days on the days when she can't get someone else to look after her own child.

Being a good parent and loving them sometimes means not being a doormat.

You don't have to be a doormat to show you love your adult kid.

And, of course, even if the cheeky fucker SD doesn't have days she can use (although she does) that doesn't, actually matter.

What you don't do, ever, is try to filch other people's very hard earned annual leave days because your kid needs a babysitter. CF SD gets plenty of support already.

What you do instead is figure out a way for your child to be looked after without harassing your stepmother or father and trying to help yourself to their hard earned holiday time.

It's beyond entitled to try to blackmail people into giving up their own annual leave to look after YOUR CHILD.

It's not difficult. It's not complicated. Of course OP must not do this.

If t was your own child asking for one of your other grandkids, would you take a day off?

Obviously YANBU to choose how to use your annual leave, but if it’s truly a one off due to a medial issue I can’t see how taking just one day of your leave is a big deal to look after a graduate’s you apparently love so much.

Tho op said he didn’t get much annual leave at all in her op

i was questioning why he didn’t get the 28 days

but seems that he does

its not one day in four years at all. This is not the first time by far. We have taken annual leave previously so she can do training days at work. We also take our granddaughter away for long weekends (meaning two days annual leave each time) or a midweek break or treat days out at Christmas. I’ve also booked a couple days in the summer already to take DGD away overnight. We don’t get unlimited annual leave sadly and we both work full on jobs. I also have elderly parents who I have caring responsibilities for. My annual leave is precious to me and I’m already using it for DGC - which I’m happy to do, but there has to be a limit, particularly when my stepdaughter also has her own annual leave

It's not a one off due to a medical issue. The CF SD doesn't have a medical issue, her unpaid babysitter does.

So it's a cheeky fucker request because the CF SD doesn't have a babysitter due to her choice not to find and pay for a babysitter and because the cheeky fucker SD doesn't want to use one of her annual leave days, swap a day (as she did at Christmas) take a sick day (as OP has pointed out she does if the roster doesnt suit her sometimes).

Its become a problem because the CF SD doesn't want to take responsibility for her child for that day, but palm that off and help herself to someone else's annual leave day.

And OP has already said that yes she would feel the same about CF SD trying to filch her day off even if she was a CF DD instead.

Ah, I see why she thinks she can keep bludging annual leaves days off of you. You have been far too generous with your hard earned annual leave and your precious irreplaceable time. She sounds extremely entitled, and quite thoughtless towards you and her father.

Of course yanbu. Your annual leave is for you, and she has her own. It's a kindness that you sometimes use your spare time to help her but this time she is asking for is not spare and she cannot have it.

Is the "other nan" you write of the child's nan via the dad, or your stepdaughter's actual mum? Whichever of them is the answer - where is the other in this? Are none of the males in this situation remotely competent at childcare that it has to be for the women?

If no one closer is willing your step daughter has a right to unpaid parental leave and the right to request flexibility from her employer to allow her to deal with it herself. It woukd be massive cheekyfuckery for her to expect this of you.

Stepdaughter needs to plan her AL usage better. Myself and dh always leave a day each for unforeseen situations. We book them in as late as we can so that we can cancel it if needed and take it earlier if something comes up. She is being very cheeky asking you to use your AL for childcare when she's using hers for holidays.

she also said her poor deprived husband has to stagger on as he gets very limited leave. When what she seems to have meant was he gets 25 days plus a few so she’s not necessarily the best at accurately conveying a situation.

this sounds pretty reasonable to be fair. She hasn’t planned well.