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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at being sworn at by a man at the gym

321 replies

HuffandPuffandPuff · 18/03/2026 12:19

So I’m a long time member of one of those chain 24 hour gyms.

Never had any issues or seen any before apart from the standard men asking people how many sets they have left on machines. Often big groups of men but never really intimidating. Standard gym culture but I’ve never felt unsafe. It’s a friendly vibe.

This morning I was using a machine. I was doing 4 sets of 5 as I’d increased the weight. Was on my phone between sets. I’d done one set and I usually do about 30 seconds rest. I was checking my phone as I’ve been messaging tradespeople for a house job. A man comes up and says “how many do you have left?” I said 3. He then says “no how many facebooks do you have left?” I looked at him puzzled and took my headphones out and said “sorry?” And he said “you’re just on Facebook. How long are you going to be?” in quote an angry way. He then said “can I just use the machine?” I said no. He then said along the lines of “you’re just on your fucking phone just fuck off” at which point I got up and said “don’t speak to me that way” and he told me to fuck off home. He was twice my size and his tone was quite aggressive and he was in my personal space.

I was so shocked, I ran into the staff office and began to cry. His friend followed me in and said “come out you can use a different machine. I’ve spoken to him.” I said no I’m waiting in here to speak to staff as that wasn’t acceptable and he tried to persuade me to come out. Some staff finally came in and took a statement. They said it was unacceptable but just said they’ll speak to him and then log it. They walked me out and the man was with a group of his friends in the machine I’d been on.

I still feel really shaken up. I’m scared to go back to the gym now because a. What if he’s mad that I reported it and b. I’ll now be known as the woman who ran into the office crying.

I also can’t help but think he wouldn’t have spoken to me like that if I was a man or a young attractive woman.

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 19/03/2026 15:57

Double posting

TorturedParentsDepartment · 19/03/2026 16:05

Wear obnoxiously large headphones with the aura that they're noise cancelling even if they're not (or not even switched on). Then people tend not to approach you, or you can pretend not to hear them so if they're wanting to be a twat they have to speak up loud enough that everyone else can hear them.

Mind you 90% of the instagram scrollers at mine are men. The women tend to get in, get done, get out.

RainbowMoonbeam · 19/03/2026 16:09

You absolutely were right to report him and if the gym doesn't take action, escalate it.

He had zero reason to approach you if there was another of the same machine free.

Given how quick his friend was to chase you I'd take a guess that this wasn't the first time he'd done something like this.

Despite a lot of people offering an opinion with seemingly no idea how sets work, rests can be anything from 39 seconds to several minutes, and phones can be used for timing and heart rate monitoring... and several gyms use them for their check-in system and put equipment info on their mobile apps, people saying you shouldn't be on your phone are simply wrong.

Mintchocs · 19/03/2026 16:10

popcornandpotatoes · 18/03/2026 12:47

Yanbu. I wonder if the pp moaning about people on their phones in the gym understand you're supposed to take rests between sets. What you do in that time is entirely up to you. And no you don't to share with some random, that is gross and unnecessary

Yea I understand this which is why I don't take a phone in and don't get lost in texting, and if anyone wants to jump in between sets why not? You shouldn't hog equipment.

OP he definitely rude but he was there to work out and you were being selfish and it just got stupidly escalated. I hate people that hog equipment and if someone wants to jump in while you're texting then you should just share. It isn't gross and unnecessary, its normal or at least used to be, before people thought it was fine to start messing about with phones in the gym where some people are serious about getting a decent workout in.

DontEatTheMushies · 19/03/2026 16:17

Ophir · 18/03/2026 12:51

yes to this.

you should have offered to let him work in

he shouldn’t have sworn at you. You shouldn’t have been looking on Facebook mid set

This is why I just used to spend the 30 seconds rest with my eyes closed - cos no one will approach you then.

No way would I do the sharing thing as I've seen, and smelt, some of the folk in the local gyms...I am cleaning that machine/dumbell before I use it - cos most of the crusty men don't. And - the amount of folk that don't wear underwear under shorts (make and female) - boak
No wonder people get skin infections and cold sores from gyms.

Taluulaah · 19/03/2026 16:20

Whether OP was on her phone during her thirty second rest, staring at a wall, or faffing with a pen and paper and stopwatch as another poster suggested, how does any of this justify her being sworn at and intimidated by an aggressive impatient man? Having rest time between sets is a recognised and accepted part of a gym session - what somebody decides to do during that 30 second (or couple of minutes) interval should be no one else’s business - if it’s within an acceptable time frame, rest is just a part of their workout on that particular equipment and affects no one. I really don’t get the annoyance if somebody checks their phone for thirty seconds when they’d still be on that machine for the thirty seconds either way, phone or not….

Chatsbots · 19/03/2026 16:32

I don't take my phone to the gym but it's phone access & both my programmes are on apps. Both apps have rest timers.

He was rude, I'd be really upset.

Mama1028 · 19/03/2026 16:32

Ace56 · 19/03/2026 08:36

But of an extreme reaction to run away crying imo. You were right to report him to the staff but you seem quite sheltered?
Also agree with pp, you should not really have time to scroll Facebook between reps, especially if someone is waiting for the machine. Just rest for a few seconds and get on with it.

Sheltered? Bit nasty.

Greenwriter76 · 19/03/2026 16:35

nonmerci99 · 18/03/2026 12:23

This is why I lift weights at home. Sorry this happened to you.

Couldn’t agree more. Really wouldn’t fancy working out in a room of sweaty people using sweaty equipment and having to put up with shit like that, all while paying for the privilege. And then feeling nervous about going back because you reported it. Isn’t exercise supposed to be good for your mind and soul, not just body.

WildLeader · 19/03/2026 16:36

DeftGoldHedgehog · 19/03/2026 15:43

If you make a beeline for a seat with a bag on it in a pretty empty tube carriage then you are the twat. If it's busy then fair enough.

busy tube, yeah that’s what I meant. 😊

SevenYellowHammers · 19/03/2026 16:52

SpidersAreShitheads · 18/03/2026 19:21

To clarify, what I think is wild is that PP are aghast at the idea of not browsing social media or using their phone in some way during the extremely brief breaks between sets.

Comments like “what are you supposed to do between sets then?!” are the kind of thing I was referring to.

I’m not usually one to wail about the use of phones etc but if we’re really at a point that people can’t bear to not be attached to a device for a couple of minutes, then it’s a pretty abysmal state of affairs.

If you have an urgent message to send and you’re willing to share the equipment then fair enough.

As a more general point, I think we’ve reached a really unhealthy point with the use of devices. I also think people taking photos and filming in gyms is shitty and deters less confident people from going.

And I say all this as an AuDHD woman who loves her devices! I’m just genuinely appalled that some people consider browsing their phone as a necessary thing to do between sets.

Maybe. But OP wasn’t browsing she was checking her messages because she was multi tasking. Like we do. If I look at my phone during exercise, it’s usually because I’m selecting some music to drown out the awful music they play in gyms.

ParmaVioletTea · 19/03/2026 16:54

@HuffandPuffandPuff was not “hogging” a machine. She was doing 5 sets of 5 reps with a 30 second rest between each set. 10 minutes tops.

And if she was there for longer, so what?

I was using a squat rack for over 30 minutes today, super setting heavy back squats with pull-ups. I needed at least 3 minutes rest between sets. So bite me. I have as much right to work out that way as another person has to work out differently.

People are really showing their ignorance on this thread.

Sirzy · 19/03/2026 17:07

Sometimes “jumping in between sets” doesn’t work.

Tomorrow I am doing squats. Starting at 60kg increasing each set to 75kg, with a 2 minute rest in between. After each set I will set up for the next then take the rest.

If someone wants to jump in during my rest to do say 100kg squats then the logistics just don’t work!

Yerdug · 19/03/2026 17:17

Your gym etiquette is very poor. He was spot on.

SexyFrenchDepression · 19/03/2026 17:24

Yerdug · 19/03/2026 17:17

Your gym etiquette is very poor. He was spot on.

Why? What did she do? She had 30 seconds rest in between. That is perfectly normal.

SardinesOnButteredToast · 19/03/2026 17:35

PearlClutchUser · 19/03/2026 15:44

People really take their rests seriously don't they. Its lije the obsession with protein and hydration 😂 you're not an Olympic athlete, if the gym is busy then shorten the rests

There's a fairly sizeable gap between needing only 30 seconds rest and 'thinking you're an Olympic athlete' and those of us who weight training seriously inhabit that gap. Mocking that as being 'obsessed' with protein is pretty rude. As PP have said, tell me you know nothing about the science of muscle building.

I'm nearing the top of amateur level for my age and weight in some of my lifts. I need a three minute gap between sets, longer if I'm working on one rep maxes. What I do between lifts as a woman who lifts heavy is precisely zero of anyone's business. Anyone who thinks people who are heavy into weights are 'losing track scrolling' have never felt the itch to get your rest in so you can go again.

DuchessofStaffordshire · 19/03/2026 17:46

DeftGoldHedgehog · 19/03/2026 15:41

Depends what you are doing really. With some of the workouts I do I'm keeping my heart rate up and going from one thing to the next pretty quickly.

Exactly. There is no universally accepted ideal rest time so best not to get hung up on arbitrary rest times and stick to them dogmatically. Women are physiologically different from men. They tend to have more type 1 muscle fibres which means they can recover quicker between sets than men and handle higher volumes. The best way to determine if you are ready to start another set is to ask:
Does the main muscle or muscles feel ready for another set?
Am I mentally ready for another set?
Are the synergyst (helper) muscles ready?
Is my CV system ready?
If you start another set before you are ready you won't get the most out of it. If you wait too long just because an app tells you to, you are wasting time.

Snakebite61 · 19/03/2026 17:58

HuffandPuffandPuff · 18/03/2026 12:19

So I’m a long time member of one of those chain 24 hour gyms.

Never had any issues or seen any before apart from the standard men asking people how many sets they have left on machines. Often big groups of men but never really intimidating. Standard gym culture but I’ve never felt unsafe. It’s a friendly vibe.

This morning I was using a machine. I was doing 4 sets of 5 as I’d increased the weight. Was on my phone between sets. I’d done one set and I usually do about 30 seconds rest. I was checking my phone as I’ve been messaging tradespeople for a house job. A man comes up and says “how many do you have left?” I said 3. He then says “no how many facebooks do you have left?” I looked at him puzzled and took my headphones out and said “sorry?” And he said “you’re just on Facebook. How long are you going to be?” in quote an angry way. He then said “can I just use the machine?” I said no. He then said along the lines of “you’re just on your fucking phone just fuck off” at which point I got up and said “don’t speak to me that way” and he told me to fuck off home. He was twice my size and his tone was quite aggressive and he was in my personal space.

I was so shocked, I ran into the staff office and began to cry. His friend followed me in and said “come out you can use a different machine. I’ve spoken to him.” I said no I’m waiting in here to speak to staff as that wasn’t acceptable and he tried to persuade me to come out. Some staff finally came in and took a statement. They said it was unacceptable but just said they’ll speak to him and then log it. They walked me out and the man was with a group of his friends in the machine I’d been on.

I still feel really shaken up. I’m scared to go back to the gym now because a. What if he’s mad that I reported it and b. I’ll now be known as the woman who ran into the office crying.

I also can’t help but think he wouldn’t have spoken to me like that if I was a man or a young attractive woman.

I wouldn't be happy if someone was messing about on their phone while waiting for a piece of apparatus. But that's out of order and should be called out. Just a sad bully.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 19/03/2026 18:07

popcornandpotatoes · 18/03/2026 12:47

Yanbu. I wonder if the pp moaning about people on their phones in the gym understand you're supposed to take rests between sets. What you do in that time is entirely up to you. And no you don't to share with some random, that is gross and unnecessary

Then you leave the machine.

oviraptor21 · 19/03/2026 18:09

Ophir · 18/03/2026 12:52

Yes, rests, but not idling on social media and not offering someone to work in

Hardly time in a 30 sec rest for someone else to get their set in especially with wipe down also needed.

Sometimessmiling · 19/03/2026 18:10

HuffandPuffandPuff · 18/03/2026 12:34

I would have perhaps suggested that if he hadn’t started off being so rude. As I was doing super short sets of 5 reps I knew I’d be done really quickly.

There’s 3 other of the same machines too, which is why I was so perplexed.

In my experience, it’s only ever men who say “how many sets left?” And they never preface it with “excuse me…” or say “would it be ok if we shared please?”. I’d never ask to share. I just go oh well, I’ll go do something else and wait until it’s free. Which I get can be frustrating when you’re pushed for time but there’s plenty of other stuff to do at the gym.

He was rude and aggressive but using your mobile whilst using equipment is a no no in most gyms. Put it away

Whoknows101 · 19/03/2026 18:11

I think it's pretty obvious that this thread has attracted a bucketload of morons who are either trolling or have absolutely zero idea what a structured workout is supposed to look like.

May as well close it as this point to be honest.

Reisscon · 19/03/2026 18:11

That is my pet hate when at the gym, people sitting there on their phone whilst waiting to use the machine.

Whoknows101 · 19/03/2026 18:14

Not a single person has explained what the actual issue is with somebody using their phone whilst taking appropriately timed rest periods between sets.

Other than that they "don't like it".

JustSawJohnny · 19/03/2026 18:16

beefthief · 18/03/2026 12:26

He overreacted massively to your selfish behaviour

Is it selfish if it takes less time to send a message than her rest time between reps?