To be upset at being sworn at by a man at the gym

[HuffandPuffandPuff]

So I’m a long time member of one of those chain 24 hour gyms.

Never had any issues or seen any before apart from the standard men asking people how many sets they have left on machines. Often big groups of men but never really intimidating. Standard gym culture but I’ve never felt unsafe. It’s a friendly vibe.

This morning I was using a machine. I was doing 4 sets of 5 as I’d increased the weight. Was on my phone between sets. I’d done one set and I usually do about 30 seconds rest. I was checking my phone as I’ve been messaging tradespeople for a house job. A man comes up and says “how many do you have left?” I said 3. He then says “no how many facebooks do you have left?” I looked at him puzzled and took my headphones out and said “sorry?” And he said “you’re just on Facebook. How long are you going to be?” in quote an angry way. He then said “can I just use the machine?” I said no. He then said along the lines of “you’re just on your fucking phone just fuck off” at which point I got up and said “don’t speak to me that way” and he told me to fuck off home. He was twice my size and his tone was quite aggressive and he was in my personal space.

I was so shocked, I ran into the staff office and began to cry. His friend followed me in and said “come out you can use a different machine. I’ve spoken to him.” I said no I’m waiting in here to speak to staff as that wasn’t acceptable and he tried to persuade me to come out. Some staff finally came in and took a statement. They said it was unacceptable but just said they’ll speak to him and then log it. They walked me out and the man was with a group of his friends in the machine I’d been on.

I still feel really shaken up. I’m scared to go back to the gym now because a. What if he’s mad that I reported it and b. I’ll now be known as the woman who ran into the office crying.

I also can’t help but think he wouldn’t have spoken to me like that if I was a man or a young attractive woman.

Exactly this re relative weight. And I've been training for years now and set my rest times intuitively rather than arbitrarily. If I've just completed a working set of heavy back squats then I'll likely need a lot more rest than if I'm doing lateral raises which involves a much smaller muscle moving a comparatively light weight.

Wow. What a breathtakingly rude opening sentence. I can't imagine actually saying this to another person.

Actually having my phone does help me get fitter and has massive benefits.

I have a personalised training plan that my PT does for me each week. So when I am in I use my phone for that plan including tracking sets and rest periods. I add any notes for him as I go along so he knows how things are going.

I sometimes even use my phone to record myself so we can both look at the form and where I can improve (and so I can show off if I do well!)

Just another big 'I am' who thinks he can speak to women however the hell he wants. I can guarantee you that he wouldn't speak to a another man
like that. Sorry you had to experience this OP. You did the right thing reporting him to a member of staff.

This was not your fault. You encountered a spiritually undeveloped person who knows not what they did. He’s a nobody and you should be grateful that you aren’t him or associated with him

But OP was on rest break between her sets . She’s a grown up and allowed to check her phone between sets we’ve all had that irritated feeling when we’re waiting on a bit of equipment but that’s life. He needed to grow up and wait his turn.

Getting upset at being sworn at by an aggressive bloke isn't a fucking overreaction.

I don’t really ‘enjoy’ the gym- im there for future proofing.
My programme also calls for 2-3 minutes rest between sets
I am also very busy. If I want to answer a message in those times I will
If someone asked me to share I would.
Using your phone in the gym is really not that wild at all

To clarify, what I think is wild is that PP are aghast at the idea of not browsing social media or using their phone in some way during the extremely brief breaks between sets.

Comments like “what are you supposed to do between sets then?!” are the kind of thing I was referring to.

I’m not usually one to wail about the use of phones etc but if we’re really at a point that people can’t bear to not be attached to a device for a couple of minutes, then it’s a pretty abysmal state of affairs.

If you have an urgent message to send and you’re willing to share the equipment then fair enough.

As a more general point, I think we’ve reached a really unhealthy point with the use of devices. I also think people taking photos and filming in gyms is shitty and deters less confident people from going.

And I say all this as an AuDHD woman who loves her devices! I’m just genuinely appalled that some people consider browsing their phone as a necessary thing to do between sets.

Regardless of her being on her phone or not, he should not be speaking to anybody like that. He could of said it in a much more polite way, even if annoyed. "Sorry, im just wondering if you're still using this machine as I can see youre on your phone and wondered if you were finished?". That would be enough to alert OP shes taking too long on her phone (if she even was) and that other people are waiting.

His dimwit mate coming in the office trying to mediate the situation was a disguise for him trying to save his vile friend from getting banned from the gym. Doubt its the first time hes done it. Some men are just bullies and their friends facilitate it, we know that all too well.

OP dont let him put you off. I've been harassed in the gym multiple times and was too scared to go back. Dont let that happen to you. I know its intimidating and off putting when abusive men start on you, but honestly just ignore them. If it were to happen again I wouldnt respond, wouldnt even look at him, put my phone down and move onto my next set.

Exactly. If the OP’s only doing 5 reps, I’d expect her to be lifting heavy. In which case she should resting for longer than 30 seconds or it’s a pretty pointless exercise.

Makes me wonder if the unpleasant man decided to pick on the OP because it didn’t look like she knew what she was doing and he was a sexist wanker.

I don’t understand why the OP didn’t just say that the same machines as hers were also free and ask why he was bothering her instead of using them?

But I’m used to male dominated gyms (and work environments) and when you come across dickheads like this, the only way to deal with them is to give as good as you get. They don’t usually try it again if you’ve made them look stupid the first time.

Why does it matter to anyone else though as long as you're not taking ages between sets because you're on the phone? Whether you take 30 seconds on the phone or 30 seconds staring into space, it's noone else's business!

I don’t actually look at my phone while resting, because I’m listening to an audiobook. I wouldn’t want phones to be banned from gyms for that reason.

Why?
What's the difference with resting between sets for same amount of time without a phone?

What about 2 or 3 minutes rest periods? Do you just stare at a wall for that time? Has anyone posted that needing more than 8 seconds rest is unnecessary yet?

I don't think that looking at your phone between sets is necessary but I also don't think it's unreasonable as long as you don't get side tracked. If you're only spending your necessary rest time on your phone then it makes no difference.

OP, I'm sorry that guy was like that with you. You're right he wouldn't have done it to a bloke. It's a shame you didn't stand your ground and tell him you're meant to rest 2-3 mins. I don't lift that heavy so only do 1 min rest between sets....maybe he didn't know that for heavier weights you should rest longer? You should have patronisingly explained that to him and told him that when he gets better at lifting he'll soon realise about longer rests. 😂

I guess if you're having a longer rest then maybe. But for a minute rest I'd be pissed off if someone wanted to jump in and use the machine I was on.

I once had someone be quite forceful in wanting to share my dumbbells and then every time I was ready for my next set I had to wait 30secs for him to finish his set. Then walk back to my bench with them. Then he would stand over me while I did my 8 reps and he'd snatch them off me and go to his bench and use them for ages while I waited. I am still fuming.

Why should people have to buy extra equipment when their phone has all of those things? I don’t want to buy a smart watch nor a stop watch.

So I’d spent about 25 minutes in the gym office whilst they took my statement and when I came out the man and his friends were still using the same machine I’d left. So the man clearly hadn’t wanted to share the machine with me, he wanted to kick me off.

I totally get the frustration about people using phones at the gym. I’ve been frustrated before but I just accept it and use another machine. Thing is I’m a busy single mum so I’m not going to the gym to dilly dally - I need to be efficient and for me that means I do answer a message in between sets sometimes. Most of the time I’m just listening to music or podcasts though and thinking of my to do list! My worry is, he was close enough to me to see exactly what I was doing on my phone, which means due to the position of the machine I was on he was very close to me in the first place without me realising.

I think also a lot of the comments here show there’s such a hierarchy within gym culture and some people perhaps think they have more right to be there (edited to add: I think the majority of the entitlement rests with men but not exclusively). I respect anyone using the gym as they’re making a commitment to their health and everyone’s workouts will be different and that’s ok. Gyms should be safe spaces that reflect this.

30 seconds ... generally if you are the one using the phone, 2 minutes feels like 30 seconds. And if you are the one waiting, 30 seconds feels like 2 minutes. The answer - don't use your phone and sit on a machine. His language and attitude was not acceptable. We all know that. But if you are having a rest between sets, and it really IS 30 seconds, then you can wait until you are finished before you get your phone out.

But of an extreme reaction to run away crying imo. You were right to report him to the staff but you seem quite sheltered?
Also agree with pp, you should not really have time to scroll Facebook between reps, especially if someone is waiting for the machine. Just rest for a few seconds and get on with it.

You’re right. I should forget all my past trauma, man-up and accept men twice my size swearing at me without being frightened, shocked or humiliated. Perhaps I should just swear back and start shouting myself?

Were the other three machines exactly the same and not in use at the time? If so that puts an entirely different slant on his behaviour and shows he was targeting you personally. Leaving aside any gym etiquette - if you weren’t holding him up then he shouldn’t have any reason to be annoyed? I would definitely ask staff to check cctv - if my understanding above is correct then I think he should be banned.

God this makes me so angry. What a total POS. I wish my gigantic husband was there to see that as he would have stood up for you without a shadow of a doubt. In my experience, the bigger the gym bro the friendlier they are. Unfortunately the few roided up, egotistical c*nts ruin it for them. Please dont change gyms and let this poor excuse of a man’s intimidation get to you.

also what the hellllllll is this comment thread. Jesus Christ.

So no reconsideration on your phone use given not everyone agrees with it?