Should I ask my DS and his girlfriend for money

[DiaryofWimpy]

My DS2 has moved his girlfriend in with her 2 cats.

Obviously it’s another person using the washing machine,,TV, gas and electricity they are both 22 and don’t work but get benefits.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable asking them for money?

Honestly @DiaryofWimpy you sound like a push over.

You son is never going to want more in his life or push himself to be better when he knows he can walk all over you and live for peanuts at your house whilst claiming benefits.

Lay down rules. Tell them they’ll be paying a certain amount each month, doing certain chores and you want proof that they both actively looking to better their lives by getting out, exercising, looking for jobs etc.

They should definitely pay rent. I would also give them a time limit on when they need to get jobs by as well. They can’t just loaf about forever. No job, they have to move out.

OK, well done for getting this far.

It's really important that they understand these are absolutely minimal contributions. They don't buy them food, laundry, a housekeeper and they are still living rent free out of your kindness. If either of them give you an ounce of pushback that you should be doing xyz for them because they contribute a little towards some of the bills, or if they are wasteful with the heating or hot water etc "because we pay for it", you need to put them firmly in their place.

And as PP said, benefit fraud is a bit of a worry if they are now living together and you don't want that under your roof.

Also I know it's tricky but it would be a really good idea to put down some boundaries round the cooking, the stuff and the use of the living room. It's your house, if you want the living room to yourself for a couple of hours each day to keep you sane that would be a completely reasonable house rule to make, unapologetically.

Well done OP.
You know that next is to ensure they are doing their fair share around the house, contributing to chores and cooking etc. and if they are up to it finding an activity out of the house, like volunteering somewhere, a food bank, community garden, charity shop... will do them a lot of good.

Their initial response was typical of benefit scroungers. I’m not saying everyone on benefits are scroungers but there are certainly some. They expect EVERYTHING for free (on top of their free money) and assume those that work can afford everything so why should they have to pay.

You are changing their attitude to this so well done. Do not let them off this duty at any stage, as it may just be the kick-up the arse that they need to becoming contributors to society rather than a drain on it.

It's time both of them got jobs and stop relying on you and the state to support them. I wouldn't facilitate this way of life.

Ok , does that money include all their food? What about the cat food? You also need to set up a roster with who does what every week . Who cooks and does dishes , who cleans the toilet , etc . I personally don’t think it’s healthy for you . You need to really see how it will play up on your mind and health and take it from there .

Have you jobs to do in the house cp like gardening etc?
I hope you aren’t cooking for them. I’d leave them to do all their own food. £30 a week is a joke.

I’d officially start charging them rent. Their UC/benefits package will have a rent/housing portion to cover this. And if it doesn’t, they need to claim that too.

All this benefit money changing hands informally -
you need to get a benefit review so it’s legit

I have bipolar so find communicating with them difficult, she pays for cat food, I don’t cook their meals or buy them food. They pay for their own food.

Were there other adults in the house before you moved in? Have you lost council tax discount etc?

What are they doing to help their anxiety? Any causes/factors for their anxiety?

You can see why OP’s son behaves like this. Sorry but you’re very passive and just seem to be letting things happen.

No way could I have just moved anyone into my mums house at 22 without it being properly discussed. And I couldn’t have just sat in the house for years not working anxiety or not.

Do you work OP?

I would couch it in terms of - ‘are you both receiving the maximum benefits you are entitled to? If I officially started charging you rent, would you both be able to claim the housing portion of benefits - if so it would really help me out as my bills are much higher with 3 people living in the house, rather than one.’

No I can’t work. As I said I have bipolar and generalised anxiety disorder. I get ADP. And ESA

@DiaryofWimpy

Don’t make your bipolar diagnosis make you afraid to stand up for yourself.

Also, I hope that you made it clear that your spending habits are absolutely none of their business. You can get a mobile phone if you want to.

Their sense of entitlement has made me so angry for you.

I am glad to hear they are going
to contribute now - the very least they should be doing - and I hope you also discussed boundaries; you mentioned in a PP that she is taking over the house? Was that covered in your chat ? Did you ask why she said 1 cat was coming then brought 2?

Basically, I hope your chat was comprehensive ie the money/bills aspect is of course very important but respect for your home and for you are equally important too.

Edited as saw you dont work. Point
is the same - they cant judge your spending habits when they are not paying their own way.

Many people with bipolar and GAD work. I have mental health issues and worked for most of my life.

Just as I thought this is learned behaviour. I saw my mother working despite being a single mum from an immigrant background battle prejudice and her own mental health issues, so it was never an option in my head to be on benefits as an ongoing thing.

This is the young man you’ve raised in a certain way and you’re seeing the outcome of that now. And so the cycle continues…

Anxiety. The get out clause for everything these days. Funny how two of them have the same problem. I wouldn’t tolerate sitting around jobless from my own child let alone moving another problem in. What is their plan? To live off benefits forever? I’m sure they will add in a string of kids soon enough. Get the pair of them out op.
they really need to sort themselves out.

Good grief.
Maybe getting jobs would be good for the mental health of all 3 of you. It can’t be good for you all lolling about with no purpose.
Apologies if this sounds hard but people with all manner of disabilities both mental and physical work. Myself included.

No need to be nasty if I could work believe me I would it’s no life living on benefits and not working

You normally do not get benefit money for rent if you are living with a parent (or your BF’s parent). The only way you could, is if you have a formal tenancy agreement at the going rate and even then, it will be very carefully scrutinised and you still might not get any rent money if the DWP thinks you only have the formal contract to get money out of them.

“It’s no life”. Many people with chronic illness and mental health issues who manage to work part time if not work full time - and are funding people like you, your son and his gf would say the same.

I really don’t think you can be too down on your son. You have role modelled a certain life to him and he’s just following suit.

This happens a lot.

That’s why I asked about if you were working or not. I grew up in Glasgow and there’s generations of families not working.

Sounds fucking miserable for everyone.