Should I ask my DS and his girlfriend for money

[DiaryofWimpy]

My DS2 has moved his girlfriend in with her 2 cats.

Obviously it’s another person using the washing machine,,TV, gas and electricity they are both 22 and don’t work but get benefits.

Do you think I’m being unreasonable asking them for money?

As someone that does know how serious it can be (suffered all of the things bar self harm), I agree that anxiety is not an excuse to go through life without working.

I was determined to over come it and did. Had less than 40% attendance at school between ages 15-18 and could barely leave the house. I went to therapy, created a plan, took baby steps and got my life back on track because I REFUSED to not have any qualifications and not be able to provide for myself.

It can be debilitating- but through therapy, medication and/or lifestyle changes - it can be overcome.

I now do a very high pressure job and cope.

Yes they should pay something each month

Why are you so passive? This is your home. Why was there no discussion about a new lodger and pets arriving?

You're saying that your son apparently has anxiety? You don't know?

I do, still have the self harm scars to prove it oh and yeah I really enjoyed the panic attacks I had whilst walking to work because being unemployed was not an option.

Many people struggle with a whole bunch of things and still grit their teeth and get on with it. A member of my family has bi-polar disorder and managed to mostly be in work.

There will probably be 2 children in the next few years as well as cats and guess who will be the built in babysitter.

Are they on any medication for their anxiety OP?

She's just moved in - with respect. Your TV licence bill won't go up because they are there - and neither will the WiFi bill. The biggest costs will probably be gas and electricity - water if its on a meter.

This is a complete disaster waiting to happen, they both expect a free ride. Warning this is only going to get worse and you will soon feel a lodger in your own home.

I'm on medication for anxiety and I still work.

Tell your son to pull his finger out and get a bloody job. Absolutely ridiculous that you're going to be subsidising him and his GF indefinitely. Unless you're actually Elon Musk, maybe.

I am getting anxiety as a tax payer at the thought of paying for all the young people who can’t work due to “anxiety”.

YANBU at all. Of course they must contribute. Standard MN suggestion now: you could save your son’s contributions to be gifted to him as a deposit etc when he moves out if you’re in a position to do so and so minded. Or spend it on yourself…

Are there any other countries in the world that will pay you sit at home as you’re too anxious to have a job?

Or is it just the UK?

So they are so desperately ill they can't work but they may have children? Bloody hell. I've heard it all now. How will they pay for them? Ah...let me guess....the people that also have anxiety but manage to work. Gotcha.

yanbu at all! I actually gasped at the 2 cats part. They are 22, not 12. If they are both receiving benefits then they have an income, which means they absolutely need to be paying their way.
You are not running a free hotel. It's not just the gas and electric, it's the extra food, the wear and tear on the washing machine, and the pets! Who is paying for the cat litter and food?
You need to sit them both down today and give them a set weekly figure for board and lodgings. If they kick off or say they can't afford it, just politely remind them they are welcome to see exactly how far their benefits stretch renting their own place in the real world.
Don't feel guilty about this at all. You are doing them no favours by letting them live rent free as adults. Stand your ground and get your money! x

I have anxiety when I can't work but then I have no-one to move in with or fall back on.

This is just turning into yet another benefit bashing pick on people with mental health issues thread

It is very possible that the OPs son is on lcwra and has been assessed as being unfit to work. Hence getting more benefits. Some work is permitted on lcwra as long as it doesn't contradict the reason that someone was awarded it.

Do not assume that people with mental health issues are feckless - and do not suggest that people with mental health issues should litter pick - it's completely demeaning

Well in that case I don’t understand why you are so unsympathetic. You surely also realise that we are all different, and just because one person with a particular health issue can do something, it doesn’t mean the next person can.

If the whole household is on benefits then they need to be contributing at least half between them to all bills. (If not 2/3rds).

Anxiety is something to be fought against, not just accepted. My DD at her worst could barely function, but she has fought and fought through college and work experience and is now well enough for part time work.

If they aren't well enough for work then what steps are they taking to improve?

I know there are some genuine cases of anxiety that can be a reason for not being able to function normally but most can be overcome or at least lessened with therapy. Are they actually trying to help themselves?
The remark about you having a new phone though just signals immaturity and entitlement to me. I hope you pointed out to him that it is none of their business what you spend your money on.

Too anxious to find a job but somehow managed just fine to find a girlfriend? And then moves the girlfriend into his mum's house, for free? 😂

Have either of these freeloaders ever had a job? Do they ever plan to do something with their lives?

I'm sorry. Just because your daughter fought against it doesn't mean that other people will always cope with it - seriously. It's not up to you or anyone to tell people how much they should be contributing or whether their anxiety can be managed. We have limited information on here - think that is very clear.

Just another benefit bashing mental health bashing thread - again.

Yes, anxiety is usually highly treatable. Although getting treatment on the NHS is a bit of a lottery and generally involves lots of waiting.

Hopefully the OP’s DS and his GF will get the treatment and move forwards with their lives.

You’ve been a walk over Op. Tell them from the 1st day of next month they’ll be contributing towards household bill.

I think at 22 anxiety shouldn't just be accepted.
It may take time (possibly years) but it should be a point of 'can't work yet' not 'can't work' unless there is a massive back story.

But they are just 22. Surely it is sensible to try and help these people overcome anxiety, which can be done with many, rather than just accept their life like this at such a young age? It would, if nothing else, open their horizons to live better. You seem to ready to accept it as a given, beyond help and I think that's quite sad.