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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

525 replies

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 13:32

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 17/03/2026 15:35

Someone somewhere is desperate to adopt a new born. Let the baby go.

godmum56 · 17/03/2026 15:36

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/03/2026 15:33

Surely the sensible thing would be for the baby to be adopted by someone who really wants it.

Might add that I’d really have thought the niece should have been given a suitable form of contraception.

"Might add that I’d really have thought the niece should have been given a suitable form of contraception."

well that struck me too. This is not as unusual as you might think.

Hellometime · 17/03/2026 15:38

No. I’d feel best outcome is adoption outside of family.
Uni age children still need you and are home a lot.

Tableforjoan · 17/03/2026 15:40

No I wouldn’t do it. My own grandchild yes but a nieces baby who has a higher odds of disability as well. Far too much to gamble

Farkinhell · 17/03/2026 15:42

A very tough situation all round. I hope some safeguarding has been put in place to ensure this situation can't be repeated once your DN has had this baby, how hard for her and all of you too of course.

Sadly if I were in your shoes I would not be willing to step up and adopt the baby permanently, your own kids are practically adults, presumably you are still needing to work and not be tied to school runs for the next 18 years, and all the expense that comes with a baby.

I am sure there will be a couple out there ready and willing to give this baby a loving and secure home.

I hope all goes well with the birth.

oneofakindmultipack · 17/03/2026 15:42

If you're not feeling absolutely certain, I wouldn't do it. The baby's own grandfather is unwilling, and while he's in his mid-60s, you're not that far behind him in age, really. I'd also take into consideration, as PPs have mentioned, that if this baby inherits additional needs through one or both parents, the situation will be even more challenging, particularly as you get older. I just don't think I would do it, personally, not if there's a chance s/he would go to a good, loving family.

wayfairer · 17/03/2026 15:43

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 13:32

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Understand the hesitation as am at a similar age and was never into babies, but have seen similar dynamic of baby coming into extended family and I'd have to say I think you should take baby.
Personally couldn't imagine letting baby go to strangers after what has happened to your neice.

AxolotlEars · 17/03/2026 15:45

I took on a child when I was 41ish. I wouldn't do it again if I could go back in time. I'm now nearly 55. Sometimes family are not always the best people to raise a baby. I'm sure you would be fabulous parents but so would another couple. Please feel free to DM me

HotBaths · 17/03/2026 15:47

wayfairer · 17/03/2026 15:43

Understand the hesitation as am at a similar age and was never into babies, but have seen similar dynamic of baby coming into extended family and I'd have to say I think you should take baby.
Personally couldn't imagine letting baby go to strangers after what has happened to your neice.

Show quote history

That’s really easily said when it’s not you being asked to raise a child from birth to adulthood.

timetochangethering · 17/03/2026 15:52

AgnesMcDoo · 17/03/2026 13:39

I understand where you are coming from and I sympathise but i personally couldn’t live my niece or nephew going to into care / being adopted by strangers.

You say that, but this baby is being born in difficult circumstances with a mother who has such severe needs herself it would appear she was unable to consent and also unable to look after the child.

We all think of our own nieces and nephews in this kind of circumstance, but you are looking at a child who may have a high level of additional needs themselves.

Jobseeker2026 · 17/03/2026 15:53

The baby is family, but that isn’t a reason for you to be tied to them if it isn’t what you want. When people hear of foster care they have awful visions, these visions tend to be more true for older children (but not always the case). I know a couple of people that have done foster to adopt with babies and they are going into homes with lots of love, as a baby they are likely to be placed much easier than an older child.

Reallywhatonearth · 17/03/2026 15:53

@FerretPants No. Ridiculous idea as you are in your mid 50’s.

so mid 60s you will have a 10yr old

and in your 70s a teenager/uni student

what happens if the child has disabilities that you are not physically able to cope with with?

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2026 15:54

You're in your mid-50s? I'm approaching 66 and I wouldn't have the energy to care for a 10 yr old, to be honest.

I find myself wondering (uncharitably) whether SS sees you taking on the baby as the easiest option for SS, given that the grandfather is not in position to take care of it. Of course, it might be that they feel that they have to give the family the first option...but I do feel that it might be better all round for the baby to go to someone younger.

worldshottestmom · 17/03/2026 15:56

Really sad situation here tbh. I dont think at mid-50s it is fair on you or your DH to care for a newborn now. It also isn't fair for the baby to have to live with two people who are umming and ahhing about whether they want them their or not. How does your niece feel about all of this? I can't help but wonder how hard this may be for her as well.

There are so many families desperate to adopt and fulfil that need to have and raise children. I think this would be the best option. Absolutely heartbreaking having to give up a little baby in this way, especially when youre related, but its being cruel to be kind in a sense. Hopefully they will go on to live a fulfilling life with good parents who want to and can give them the best.

socialworkme · 17/03/2026 15:56

It’s ok to say no to this request and it isn’t always the best thing for children to stay with their family of origin.

At your ages and with the potential risk of the child having some additional needs (maybe this isn’t likely) then I think it would be a mistake.

Babies rarely stay in the care system for longer than necessary unless they’re likely to return home to their birth parents.

In this case, if mum definitely can’t have them in their care, they would have to explore birth father and each family network too. Then they would look at placing outside the family.

It’s possible that if the child is going to be adopted and the care proceedings are not contested then they could go immediately into a foster to adopt placement.

This may be the best thing for this baby.

What an awful situation for your family, I’m so sorry.

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 15:57

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2026 15:54

You're in your mid-50s? I'm approaching 66 and I wouldn't have the energy to care for a 10 yr old, to be honest.

I find myself wondering (uncharitably) whether SS sees you taking on the baby as the easiest option for SS, given that the grandfather is not in position to take care of it. Of course, it might be that they feel that they have to give the family the first option...but I do feel that it might be better all round for the baby to go to someone younger.

It's not about the 'easiest option' (kinship care isn't easier than adoption in fact) it's about the law being clear that children's services MUST explore family care options before seeking the court's agreement to place a child for adoption.

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2026 15:59

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 15:57

It's not about the 'easiest option' (kinship care isn't easier than adoption in fact) it's about the law being clear that children's services MUST explore family care options before seeking the court's agreement to place a child for adoption.

Show quote history

Thank you for taking the time to explain this.

I apologise for getting it wrong.

TonTonMacoute · 17/03/2026 16:00

Oh OP, what a terrible dilemma and an awful decision to have to take.

Ypu are basically being emotionally blackmailed into taking on this little one, and while it may be tremendously rewarding in the long run it will be an enormous responsibility as well.

It is not someone to be taken lightly, and to fail at it would be worse than saying no from the outset.

BettyBoh · 17/03/2026 16:00

The likelihood of your great niece also having autism etc is very high. Are you prepared for this possibility and the pressure it would put on you as you approach 60? Why was abortion not discussed?

Birdsongisangry · 17/03/2026 16:01

WearyAuldWumman · 17/03/2026 15:54

You're in your mid-50s? I'm approaching 66 and I wouldn't have the energy to care for a 10 yr old, to be honest.

I find myself wondering (uncharitably) whether SS sees you taking on the baby as the easiest option for SS, given that the grandfather is not in position to take care of it. Of course, it might be that they feel that they have to give the family the first option...but I do feel that it might be better all round for the baby to go to someone younger.

Legally they have to look at all options and give priority first to the child staying with the parent, then with extended family, and only if those are ruled out even with support, can long term fostering with unrelated carers or adoption be considered. The courts require SS to evidence why parents or family care isn't an option. The principles underpinning the law focus on parental right and parental responsibility, and children staying within their family (including extended family and with a relationship with their parents) wherever possible.

timetochangethering · 17/03/2026 16:01

Personally it would be a hard no from me in these circumstances. Kinder all round to the child to have a from birth adoption, than elderly parents.

Fingernailbiter · 17/03/2026 16:01

Say no. You didn’t want another baby or you would have tried for one, so you certainly ought not to feel guilty about not wanting to take on someone else's baby. There are people desperate to adopt a baby - why not let one of them adopt him/her?

I know the baby will be a relation but it is not your responsibility.

Additionally, this might sound awful but what if the baby inherits problems like your niece's? This could affect the whole of the rest of your and your DH's life (not to mention your own DC).

Soc Services are obliged to ask you, but you are not obliged to say yes.

WorstPaceScenario · 17/03/2026 16:02

BettyBoh · 17/03/2026 16:00

The likelihood of your great niece also having autism etc is very high. Are you prepared for this possibility and the pressure it would put on you as you approach 60? Why was abortion not discussed?

"Why was abortion not discussed?"

Why does anyone owe you an explanation on that?

tartyflette · 17/03/2026 16:02

That is a huge request for SS to ask of anyone, even without the added complications with your situation — your ages, your existing family, the possibilities of illness or developmental issues in the forthcoming baby, and legal complications which you don’t want to disclose (absolutely fair enough).
I would not even entertain it without thoroughly exploring all the possibilities and issues with social services and possibly a family solicitor of your own too . Would the baby’s grandfather , your DB, be involved at all?
You will need ongoing long term SS support for all your family including your niece. Might giving up her baby distress her immensely and worsen her mental health? Has she had all the pre-natal checks and ultrasounds? And is she very young or an adult woman?
Without vital long term and guaranteed safeguards and supports put in place for you and all your family it would be a hard no from me.
And even then… your lives would be drastically altered for the foreseeable future. Absolutely fine if you have considered all of this. I sincerely hope you make the best decision you can for niece and you and all your family.

ahsurelookit · 17/03/2026 16:03

If a family members child had suddenly needed care at a 5/10/15 years old then yes I think I would step in for the child.

But this baby has not been born. The baby can be adopted to a family who would be desperate for a baby and equipped to care for the baby.

Also I am sorry this has happened to your niece