AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Would social services consider a temporary foster arrangement with you, followed by an open adoption, so the baby is with family until adopted and has some ongoing contact with you?

You’re definitely right, I didn’t think that through properly!

My option wouldn’t be good apart from ensuring baby gets a good start in life, but heartache would be too much once adoption is sorted.

I honestly think this would be the worst of both worlds - allowing a baby to become attached to one set of carers and then moving them after a few months causes the sort of trauma that can have life-long repercussions. I think it’s really really important that if at all possible the baby goes straight to a permanent home, in a foster-to-adoption scenario.

Sadly children never go straight into adoption in Britain. They are always fostered while an adoptive family are found. I’ve known a successful open adoption. Mother and daughter both had a chromosomal abnormality that made mother unable to care for her. Her adoptive parents are the most amazing people. Dedicated Christians who couldn’t have their own children, so decided to adopt children who would struggle to be adopted.

That’s tough. We have an agreement in place to take on a child in the family if, God forbid, anything ever happens to his parents, but we’re past the baby stage, we’ve already bonded and there are no medical conditions or additional needs that would add to the load. In your situation, I’m not sure I could do it.

I think you should look at it from the worst case scenario, health wise; that the baby will inherit some of your nieces conditions. If that were the case, could you cope with parenting a child with those same additional needs as your niece? Because it’s a realistic possibility and to bond with a baby, to let yourself be their mother figure, and then to decide you can’t cope with their additional needs and relinquish care of the child would be cruel to everyone concerned. There’s more chance of the child having a happy life if new parents are able to bond with them straight away, or as early as possible. Plus what happens to the child when you’re too old to care for them anymore? Would you be wanting your DC to take on care for them?

This reading between the lines

but understand op can’t talk about it for legal reasons

I think its easier to think of the consequences short term, eg the baby stage. But I would really consider/think of what your lives will potentially look like when the child is a young adult. What happens if they have additional needs, what happens if they want to know about their mum and dad? Unfortunately I dont think this childs going to have an easy ride and who ever brings him/her up is going to be a part of it.
I would consider it yes, but i would also consider the impact it would have on my own children

I haven't RTFT, but was in the same situation as you recently. Can I suggest you look at kinship carers uk. They have a wealth of knowledge and expertise in this area. We ultimately decided against caring for our dgc after much soul searching, but it took many weeks and a lot of heartache to come to this decision. Please do not let social services bully you into this. You do not have to make a final decision by next week, Please explore all options that are available.

Hi OP if you want a neutral perspective there is an organisation called kinship. Has lots of useful info on it! Good luck for whatever the future brings to you and your family!

kinship.org.uk

It is possible, there is a specific route for children where the outcome is expected from pre birth to be adoption, where they can be fostered by prospective adopters during the court process. It isn't common though unfortunately. I know in our LA we didn't have a single family last year, and there were only two placed in this way in our entire region. Its a lot on prospective adopters to take a baby and bond knowing the outcome isn't guaranteed, however likely its thought to be. And there are plenty of other children ready and waiting to be adopted that I can understand why carers would want to only look at children where that decision has been made. Plus whilst there's still a lot of unknowns, prospective adopters will have more information about a child who is a year old, 18mths old etc, in terms of development, to have an idea of the childs needs that they are committing to.

I’m so sorry, what a tough situation.

As hard as it is, I think it would be better for the baby to be brought up by a couple who actively wanted a baby. That isn’t you, and that’s ok.

Yes this. This is not remotely something I would be considering in my 50s.

Im going to say that for me this would be a hard no

And Im going to say something that's not going to be liked, but is as truthful as it gets - finding a family member to take responsibility will save the govt a fortune

So yes SS will push you hard and push your buttons

This is your brothers fight, not yours

No.

I know a girl who was conceived while both parents were under psych section - it stays with you.

She was brought up by her GF (same type of kinship care as you are considering) and in all honesty, she’d have been better off being adopted.

Both her parents are dismal, endless burdens & GF is dying of old age. He’s nearly 80.

Poor girl.

How would it save money exactly? Adoptive families don't receive any financial support to adopt, as a general rule. If anything, if the long term outcome is with family, it's more likely to cost SS in the long run, as the most likely long term arrangement for a family member would be SGO, which these days usually comes with financial support. If it's a short term arrangement, it'd be foster care and the LA would pay fostering allowance whether it's unrelated carers or kinship.

The only 'cost saving' to SS would be comparable to the cost of long term foster care or a long term children's home, neither of which SS would recommend for a baby, but even if they did, no court would agree to it for a child this young.

I'm well aware that SS support is still far less than many families need, but I keep seeing the notion on here that the child living with OP would save SS money without any evidence as to why posters believe it to be true.

Absolutely no chance. For multiple reasons - ther will be a family waiting for your DGN - let them go and live with them. stand down.

I really get this @FerretPants as we took on a family member’s baby due to difficult circumstances

it’s been troublesome enough, and we were in our thirties, im now around your age and would just say no no no.

You have your own dc to think of too, and it’s just not fair on any of you

The baby’s lost life’s lottery with the bio parents.

OP, don’t deny him or her a chance of happiness with real parents who want a baby.

Oh op how awful for your dn you are doing the right thing just considering this it’s really tricky as most people your age would not want to start again I wish you all the best as this is an unusual situation to be in. No matter what you do it has to be right for all concerned.

I 100% would not look after the baby.

My friend had a similar ish situation when her DSis died and she looked after DN’s for three years. The effect on her own DC was massive in a negative way.

Really hard position to be in but sounds like your hubby is on board.

isn’t the norm in these situations to be that you effectively foster care & then go through the adoption process (if at all), maybe you could agree to the fostering part & see how you feel/if its viable for you to provide the care.

Its a very big decision to make in such a small timeframe.

This. This is how to look at it

No, there would be no need for formal fostering or adoption just potentially parental rights

Throwing my hat into the ring here. I’m a single adoptive parent. Not one of those ‘lovely couples waiting to adopt a baby’. The truth is there are not enough ‘lovely couples’ waiting to adopt a baby. There are currently in excess of 3,000 babies and children in England and Wales waiting to be adopted. Everyone thinks it’s the perfect solution. For other people. @FerretPantsI took on my second adopted daughter at the age of 50. Because I was the safest and best option for her. She’s now 10. Adopters now can afford to be ‘picky’. The circumstances of your niece’s conception may put them off, as may the possible heritability factors for learning disabilities and other disabilities. Plus, it’s vanished rare for adopters to agree to contact orders with birth relatives, despite the best efforts of the family courts. I won’t varnish the truth, it’s been incredibly hard work with my AD1(now 18) who came to me as a baby. But we maintain a positive relationship, speak about fifty billion times a day unless she’s ghosting me, but she always knows I have her back. And I am her go-to person. What I would say is, if you are serious about this, and SWs are serious about you, you will need to negotiate a decent package of financial and practical support from your LA. This baby will need lifelong support.

i am grateful for what you and people like you do. This is not, however, the thread for you to bowl up seeking plaudits.

the OP is not you. The whole situation is a right fucking mess - it’s not the OP’s mess so it’s a bit shit to try to lay this at her door IMO.