AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Not her grandchild

I’m not guilting anyone into anything? The OP is asking for views. People are saying they couldn’t do it. I’m saying I couldn’t not do it.

That was what I was trying to work out - whether the person commenting felt the way they did because it is about a pregnant niece rather than a pregnant daughter.

I would totally get why OP would help out a bit by providing some respite to her DB if HE decided he could not let HIS grandchild go for adoption. But OP is not obligated AND she has A Level/GCSE aged teens so I would not be adding a young baby into the house full time.

Its great for your daughter that you've been able to do that - I hope that doesn't come across as patronising, it is beyond what many parents would/could do, for a myriad of reasons.
I am involved in some cases where visits are now being recommended. I can understand the need in some respect - realistically many children find their bio families now, so the idea that they can be kept away from them feels naive..
I do worry about it though as to what actual support will be on offer to the families if they commit. One I was involved in the parent is vulnerable but lovely, very grateful to foster carers etc, and so face to face visits were recommended. I was the only person who brought up how it would actually look - said parent is close to 40, long term pattern of IV drug use and rough sleeping. Having worked with that client group in the past, health usually deteriorates dramatically and visibly in the 40s and many don't reach 50. No one had considered how, if the parent was still lovely and compliant, that might affect the child, if a very ill parent turned up twice a year. Or how adopters would be expected to put in any boundaries or deal with that. Or indeed, how said parent might react to a child who is old enough to ask questions rather than a baby. As you say it needs to be case by case and it's not as simple as someone who is safe and someone who is a risk.

I don’t think the usual benefits of someone within the family taking the child are there in your circumstances.
There is no chance that the mother’s circumstances are going to change so that she can take responsibility at a later stage and it doesn’t sound like there is even much possibility for her to have any kind of relationship with the child, much less one that would be beneficial.
Your brother feels he’s too old to take on full time care but how active do you think he would be as a grandparent? Would he contribute financially? Take the kid a couple of days a week?
I agree with PPs, I think it sounds like the baby would have a better chance if they were fostered/ adopted outside of the family.
You wouldn’t just be looking after a baby/ child/ teenager. This kid is going to need a huge amount of extra support.
You would have to develop a bond, as would the rest of your family, and accept that most of the rest of your life is going to revolve around parenting this child. Maybe if you were the grandmother. That would be a different story.
It doesn’t sound like in your heart of hearts you want to do this. I think it would be convenient for other people if you really wanted to, but I don’t think you do, and I think in the circumstances, you would have to really really want to for this to work.

Not necessarily if there’s agreement, but certainly no necessity for formal adoption which has significant legal consequences. Including inheritance

I would absolutely not recommend that the OP enters into a ‘private fostering’ arrangement, for the convenience of a penny-pinching LA. Nor would I recommend kinship without a legally-binding and watertight agreement of financial support. Kinship carers are even more screwed over than adopters by LAs. They are the forgotten army.

Private fostering requires the parent with PR to be actively involved in decisions for the child, even if from a distance. That wouldn't apply here, given the parent has been assessed as not being capable to raise them. It's not clear from the OP if the mother agrees with the decision for her not to keep the baby, but even if she did, the fact that social services have assessed her as being unable to care means that they would have to put it before the court. Otherwise it's clearly not a free choice that the parent is making.
Rightly, there are safeguards in place that would prevent a very vulnerable parent just agreeing to someone else raising their child without scrutiny of the decision and support for both the parent and the child.

Section 20 of the Children Act gives PR to (adoptive) parents whose adoptions have broken down (so post AA). This means those parents, who have been pushed to the limits of their sanity, often for many years, are meant to have decision-making powers and responsibilities. LAs routinely dispense with the law when it suits. There are very many thousands of adopters who have been lied to by LAs, treated abominably by LAs ie being persecuted with CP and legal proceedings when adoptions break down, through no fault of our own. We are a mobilised army now and we are fighting back. It sickens me to read here of those (not you) working in the system who seek to perpetuate the myth to naive prospective adopters that a baby comes as a virtual clean slate. Josh McAlister, the children’s minister, has today, on the BBC, admitted that adopters are often not given the full information they need and that we/they are not getting the support we need. Anyway, I digress, if the OP is still reading, absolutely do not agree to a kinship care placement without a full package of support. There is a brilliant group called Kinship who can help advise.

So what if it does?

It also wouldn’t be unreasonable for a grandparent to decide not to take this on. It isn’t something that anyone should feel strong-armed into.

I think this is a valid point also, I.e would it be helpful or hurtful for your niece to have the baby stay in her immediate family? Only you know your niece.

Would she find it hard to see the baby but not be able to ‘keep’ it? Will she understand why the baby is living with you and not her?
Or will she find it upsetting to have the baby around due to the circumstances of conception? Will you have to ‘hide’ the baby going forward or perhaps distance yourself from her?

Also, if you take emotion out of it, would you otherwise be considering adding to your family? Have you always wanted a 3rd and may have explored adoption/fostering?

Lastly, I agree with some other posters. A newborn baby is easier to place for adoption. If you think there is any chance that you would not cope after a few months/years then don’t take the child on.

A very difficult situation for all involved.

Its always the nearest vagina.

We sat down with DS's last night and told them. Both were shocked/surprised as you would expect in this situation - asked lots of questions. I've made it very clear to them that there is absolutely no guarantee that the baby will be living with us - that myself, DH and social services need to do a lot more talking before any decisions are made. But both of them were fairly positive about the idea. Older ds offered to move out of his bedroom and into the box room when he goes to Uni (I've told him there's no need )

Its encouraging that your sons were quite positive about it, but don't forget OP - you would be the one doing the work

And well they know it. I wonder what the reaction would have been from daughters instead of sons. Women know very well that more is expected from them re childcare and housework right from a young age.

No one has said anything about being obligated? I don’t think the OP is obligated. The OP has asked for views and my view is I couldn’t let the child go into care if I was the most capable relative. That’s a valid view just as yours is.

It’s lovely that your dh and sons are so positive about it. Just don’t forget who will be doing most of the work.

I agree. I don’t think anyone is strong arming the OP are they? But the OP sought views and I have said I couldn’t let the child go into care if I was the most capable relative. A valid view to hold, surely?

you have lovely kids OP

I wouldn’t. You will be in your 70s by the time they are independent. Young babies get adopted easily.

And on the other hand, if the baby were to be adopted, the adopting parents would no doubt be eternally grateful particularly if that couple were unable to have a biological child of their own for whatever reason.

But will they be doing any of the grunt work. Same for OPs DH.

@FerretPants I agree with thinking carefully about who is going to experience a real change in their life if you do this. Because chances are it'll be you.

The grandfather has let it be known what he wants so you can't expect help (or financial contributions) there.

Your sons see their lives continuing on uninterrupted by the needs of and the time taken up by baby care even if you're the one doing it. You won't be as free to ferry them about or do things for them/with them as they're used to. I've been around babies since the first of my niblings was born when I was 9. I started doing 'baby care' (supervised) when I was probably 10. And even after 10 niblings I was still surprised by how 'intense' it was when I had my first, even with plenty of family around. Chances are your sons have absolutely no idea the disruptions of a small baby in the house.

And I have a feeling that your DH probably doesn't see his life interrupted either and is assuming that you will do most of the 'baby duties'. Or he reverts mentally to the days when your boys were babies, when he was full of the joys of fatherhood and accepting of the changes that babies bring. He doesn't see that the plans he has now for the 'freedom years' when our teen DC can 'take care of themselves' will be put on hold for at least the next 15 years, perhaps longer.

Have you thought of these things yourself? The permanence of it? You've said your niece will never be able to care for the baby, so the time will never come when you'll be able to relinquish what you're taking on.

What lovely sons you have brought uo

do they see their cousin a lot ?