AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

Im not going to mske a judgement about wether the Op should take the baby or not but if she chose to why would you think she's signing her sons to be long term carers ?
My son has complex disabilities
I have categorically told my older son ,he is not his brothers carer and he has his own life to lead
Many parents with disabled children also feel this way.

I took on a close family members' two boys. It went to court and we were granted residence orders which confers parental responsibility. We were both 40.

One of the children had suspected foetal alcohol syndrome but that turned out to not be the case. He did however have minor extra needs.

For us it was not difficulties relating to bringing up a second family. The dad of one was a violent, abusive thug who kept taking us to court for contact, which moved back and forth to supervised and unsupervised. It caused us so much stress and cafcass treated us terribly. Social Services were supportive.

We honestly thought about throwing in the towel, but why should two boys be denied a loving home by a man who only wanted to see his son once a fortnight and then failed to turn up half the time.

Our youngest dd never thought the boys should be anywhere other than with us. It did affect her though in so many ways so you really must talk to your sons. Our dd was already close to the boys, but your sons are unaware of the impending arrival.

You are older than we were and I freely admit I could not do it now.

You need time to carefully consider this op. There are also family sensitivities and complexities. For example, we were asked to consider adoption for the youngest boy, but that would have made his mum his sister!

I hope you make the right decision for you and your family.

Two things

1. I'd suggest that before the meeting you get on Facebook SEN groups and the Mumsnet SEN area and read about the realities of living with and fighting for support for children with significant delays at every stage of their life - you might know some from your brother's experience but look into the current unvarnished situation as things change.
2. Who is paying for all this? You might get some fostering money at first and the child would presumably qualify for DLA if they were disabled (after a few years, subject to ongoing paperwork cycles), but if anyone it is your DB who should be stumping up the costs for his grandchild and cutting his cloth accordingly, not you, even if he is already supporting your niece - you have two kids of your own to support/inherit.

How very tricky. Your poor niece

if a lot younger and your kids younger it would be an easier decision

I get you want to help but equally your child rearing days are coming to end and as such

if you went down the adoption route, I’m sure the baby will get a happy home very quickly and for a couple to have their dream come true as parents

you mustn’t feel guilty if this is the option you choose

Wow. What a decision to have to make. I think that of course you want this baby to be happy and looked after but you aren’t the only one who can do that.

With adoption possibilities there a person out there who will be in a place to take care of the child and be happy doing so. If you aren’t 100% up for having a new baby then it should be a no.

What a heartbreaking situation for all involved OP.

I actually think realistically and practically the kindest choice for the baby would be for them to be adopted at birth. I think your and your DH are being so kind to consider it but there are so many long-term practicalities to consider.

All of this needs to be discussed with social workers. What are your niece’s thoughts about being pregnant and having the baby? Has she made any wishes about keeping the baby and being a mum? Despite her disabilities, she still has agency and a voice - I hope her care home and social workers are recognising this. I’m not saying she should keep her baby if she wishes to but she needs to be properly cared for as she’s vulnerable.

I hope your niece is ok and is being looked after properly.

Be mindful that the baby may be autistic or have additional needs. Please go into this with your eyes open.

There’s no way I’d consider this

Just no.

This sounds like an awful situation for all. I’d think adoption would be the best way forward.

It would be a no from me.

Iv seen kinship, ss promise the world then theres actually zero follow through.

There was a similar situation in my family and the baby was in foster care then adopted and honestly it was the best decision all round, there was an older child not adopted who stayed with a distant family member and her life is unsettled, she didn’t finish school, drug issues. I wouldn’t take the baby just because it’s family, it has to be the right decision for everyone involved.

I'm a fair bit younger than you and it's still a no. I currently have a toddler with an 8 year age gap between my two kids. Starting over again has been hard (although incredible, but I don't think I'd feel the same if it wasn't my own child who I planned for). The sleepless nights, the relentless days and the lack of freedom that I had got back as my eldest got older. There's no way I'd do it all again now once these days pass, let alone in mid-50s with almost grown up children.

I wouldn’t do it. There are so many couples out there desperate for a baby. Adoption of a newborn is almost impossible these days, for lots of good reasons, but in this case why not? No one in the family wants this baby and that’s actually ok. The baby can go to a family who desperately wants them. I speak with some personal experience here.

My partner's son and DIL adopted their son effectively from birth. It was all organised beforehand - the mother was very young (14-ish) and had somehow managed to conceal the pregnancy from her family. They had met the mum and were present at the birth (not in the UK but in a Canadian charity clinic run by the mum's and DIL's non-Christian religion, who also introduced them). Mum just told the nurse to hand the baby to them and they took him home the next day. There was an arrangement that she could visit him, which she did twice, and that was the last they heard of her.

The lad is now 19, bursting with confidence and at a very prestigious US university. I wouldn't have wanted to be adopted by them, but it's worked out well for him.

That’s so hard
i I don’t think I could see a child of the family going into care if I could take them on x

You op and your dh are being amazing in a very difficult situation.. whatever you decide is right. X

I would not do this. This baby could be adopted by someone who is ready to welcome a baby and all the issues that come with having a baby, possibly one with SENs. Not all adoptions are closed adoptions these days and there may be a way of seeing the child or keeping in touch with them. You have done your bit. You may have grandchildren one day and it would be more difficult to help out there, if you still have a young child to care for. Hard for you though.

I'm really sorry I haven't RTFT but in that meeting I'd be asking if baby could go to a set of foster to adopt/ early permanence carers. These are people approved to adopt but who can foster straight from birth whilst legal bits are sorted out and facilitate contact. If going for adoption whilst they aren't legally obliged to carry it out once an adoption order is made you could make it known during matching that niece and uncle would like face to face contact - maybe every summer holiday.

Whilst the learning disability is one factor actually plenty of adopters would be keen for this baby- no drug and alcohol use in pregnancy, no violent family etc.

Because there’s a high chance the child will also have disabilities. A child with SN is a lot harder to be placed for adoption. But also cost a lot more to raise in care.

A friend of mine took in 3 of her grandchildren. The middle child has SEN the youngest was she placed with her from birth. It became apparent as she got older she has no SEN and was a bright chatty child. SS also make false promises they will get support as kinship carers but they rarely do.

When she was 2 social services decided she was best being placed for adoption. So they let her raise her for 2 years she bonded with GM siblings auntie and uncle. Then they decided to rip her away from the only family she had ever known. The SEN child was also confused about where her sibling had gone and she regressed. It’s not always as black and white as people.

Good idea to sit down with your DSs. If you and DH were to die prematurely or be otherwise incapacitated would you be expecting them to take on care responsibilities for the child?

What is your brother like, OP? (I don’t mean you need to tell us, but for your own thinking).

Would be be an involved and engaged Grandad? Offer childcare? Financial support? For holidays or Uni costs?

It would seem very odd to me to be raising his grandchild unless he was involved and supportive.

I was assuming that the dad doesn't have learning difficulties. Re are care worker

I think you need to consider both the short term and long term impact if you do this.

In the short term, if baby is due in weeks and you have an 18 year old planning to go to uni in the autumn - would you be caring for a newborn whilst your older teen is sitting A levels? . Would you be caring for a toddler when your younger child is doing GCSE’s?

In the longer term, can you commit to at least 18 years of responsibility? Things to consider would be the chances of extra needs, trauma at learning about the circumstances of their conception and your own health (and wealth).

Only you can decide, but if you choose to go ahead, make sure you doing it with your eyes open and not just because of a sense of obligation.

I am so sorry that your niece is dealing with this and that you and others are faced with such difficult decisions.

Take care.

I do think @sqweris right - GCSEs and a toddler is one end to think about.

other ends, many people in their mid-to-late 70s need care. This child would still be at school.