AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

@FerretPantsbefore you talk to your boys- discuss with your dh. Given your ages and that the child’s birth mother has complex needs meaning it’s likely the baby has additional needs of some kind- are you effectively committing your boys to care for this child?

Given that, I would say no. Let the baby go to a family who wants them. Ask if contact can be managed, but don’t sign your sons up to long term care.

I'm in mid-thirties with primary-aged kids and I would say no. I wouldn't even consider it, because I know my plate is full and I do not have enough energy and time and money to give to another baby. I fear you may be the kind of person who runs herself ragged trying to do right by everyone. Think of yourself too.

The OP said her boys don't know about the pregnancy yet, I don't think it's necessarily that she's talking to them about wanting to commit, but she needs to tell them about the situation and what is being asked.

People are desperate to adopt 'perfect' babies though. Maybe not so much babies where 1 (if not both) parents have learning disabilities to the extent of needing to be in a residential home.

However there will be some adopters out there who are willing and brave and open hearted and skilled and energetic enough.

Please don’t feel bad about not wanting to look after your niece’s child, OP. Social Care have to investigate whether or not there are any relatives who are able to offer care before they look at adoption as an alternative.

I do know someone whose family took on a child in a similar situation, out of a sense of duty and it did not work out well. The family now regrets this and considers that it would’ve been better had the child being placed for adoption. On the other hand, I do know someone who became a Special Guardian, with his wife, to a cousin‘s child and that’s gone very well.

The difference between the two circumstances is the gut feeling and wishes of the potential carers in each case.

You’re absolutely right to have reservations. If you were to say yes, you would then be assessed in a way that would, rightly, be challenging, to ensure that you could offer what this baby needs. So, just saying “yes“ wouldn’t mean that the child is placed with you.

It is a huge commitment and you are absolutely sensible to look at yourself, your life and your abilities and then to say no. That is very much in the interests of this soon to be born baby.

I think babies usually do better with adoption than older children. The baby could be placed with a younger couple who really want a baby. I think if it were an older child I’d be more hesitant about putting them into care.

Im not sure what I’d do. I wish you well and don’t feel bad if you decide it’s best for the child to go in for adoption.

Has your niece had any of the scans and blood tests? Do you know if the baby has a low or high chance of any conditions?

I would contact some of the charities that support kinship carers for advice particularly on the financial side.

You'd need to discuss with social care the arrangements for contact between your niece and her child and how that might affect you seeing/ talking to your brother.

To be blunt, you were already ‘older’ parents to your own children. There is a non 0 chance that one or both of you become ill or incapacitated before this child reaches adulthood. Would you place the burden on caring for this child (who may well have challenges) on your own sons?

I can see why you would want to step in but it might actually be kinder to the baby, your children and your niece not to.

Unless you yourself, no matter what any family member may promise you in the way of help, are 100% prepared to look after the baby pretty much 24/7, doing everything for them without help I'd say no.

I mean that as in it's so easy for others to say take the baby on, we'll offer to help, then they don't step up....what will you do, you can't force them, it'll be to late and someone will have to take on the care and someone will probably be you.

Seems to be that it is in the best interests of everyone (except maybe OP’s brother/the baby’s grandad) for the bay to adopted.
As others have said the baby could have extensive additional needs, that might not even become clearer until it is older, and that is so much to take on - a baby is an awful lot to take on esp at your age OP, never mind a teenager with additional needs when you’re 70 OP. Plus you have your own children and family to think of.
I think it sounds better for the baby to be adopted into a new family without all these difficult questions and issues to deal with knowing the circumstances of their conception, the issues their parents have etc. If they were brought up by another family it might be easier to deal with: for the baby and your niece.
A very difficult situation OP and it’s admirable that you’re considering helping to the extent, but sounds to me as an outsider that the best option all round is for the baby to be adopted into a new family. Good luck whatever you decide, and good luck to your niece, I hope she’s OK

I may be absolutely flamed, but here goes. I wouldn't do it. The odds of the child having serious needs is very high. I have a 14 year old DS with significant ASN- uncontrolled epilepsy, autism & adhd. We adore him, but life is very hard. It's also been hard on our other DC- now 21 & 19. I'm 54 & knackered, & couldn't consider doing what you're doing at your age.

And this is where I'll be flamed: if I had my time over again, or if I knew what I was in for, I wouldn't have had a 3rd child. Our lives are forever controlled & defined by DS3's conditions, & I still grieve for the life we should have. I've cried twice today alone, & that's pretty standard. We'll always love the bones of him, but life is hard. Please think carefully.

I would say no. I’m 50 and could not imagine going through the baby stage again plus it’s another 20 years of parenting, I couldn’t imagine teens when I’m 70. You also have to consider the baby may have Sen too which would require more support potential life long.

You’d be surprised how many people argue that it’s almost always better. Sadly I see it when it all goes horribly wrong too often.

It is done with an emergency application to the courts - I have a relative who deals with cancer patients and where they are unable to consent themselves and (say) the parents' religion conflicts with life saving treatment it is done very quickly.

The OP has said she cannot discuss, but I imagine it would have been too late by the time they discovered the pregnancy.

You're not unreasonable to be hesitant. But I would absolutely take on the baby in these circumstances. I was almost faced with a similar choice previously and didn't think twice but to agree to step in. I know everyone is different, I personally couldn't let a family baby/child go out to foster care or adoption.

It's a big decision for you and your family. Think of what you'd regret the most, it might help you to decide.

Glossing over because OP has indicated that for legal reasons it cannot be discussed, and that it is being dealt with.

So the authorities are involved, it is not available for gossip, and OPs concern on this thread is the enormous decision she is facing.

It would be best for the child to be settled now with a family than later and what happens when she keeps on getting pregnant what then?

If, as it seems, the OP’s niece does not have the capacity to consent, and how she became pregnant is under investigation, one imagines this is unlikely.

I wouldn't, she just likely keep on having more babies.

I know grandparents who took on two of their daughter's children however, she got pregnant again, and they had to say no to taking on the third, which devastated them. They are a similar age to you and your husband and feel their life has been taken from them.

Firstly i think most people would say they're family and feel guilty about possibly saying no. But feeling guilty doesn't mean uou have to do it.
What does uour brother think about it? If there's issues in how the baby was conceived would seeing the baby be upsetting? Would having the baby there be continually triggering?
Would your neice able to understand its her baby and uou are looking after it? Depending on the circumstances would the father have any contact? How would any contact work?

Personally I think i would have to look at it as a possibility but I would want an open and frank discussion with SS as to what support you could be entitled to as kinship carers, financially, therapy, respite if needed, contact (as mentioned above). Id be open to discussions but wouldn't agree to anything until they've answered important questions fir yourselves. Get a paper trail especially of 'promised actions.

Assuming the baby has no medical /genetic issues they should be easy to be placed for adoption. However if issues are expected then that would be more difficult .

An awful situation to find your niece in , and as a result her family. I hope everything gets sorted for you all x x sending love to everyone x

Yes i worked it all out doesn't mean it cant keep on happening so what for the next children?

She’s severely disabled under 24/7 care and her becoming pregnant is under Police investigation or did you completely miss that?

What an awful situation. Every fibre of my being would resist the idea of going back to the baby stage again. But I suspect I would do it anyway.

This newborn baby deserves to go to a family that really wants a newborn baby. And so fostering with a view to adoption, You can keep your family contact with him or her as part of the agreement.

personally in all circumstances I would always bring up a baby if it needed me, I come from a very large family and it’s just how it is. Also myself and my OH could not have children together so I have looked into fostering and adoption.

I’ll put that before the next bit.

But in these particular circumstances, ones I have never had to consider, I would have to say no. Which goes against my beliefs.

Your poor DN must have conceived against her will. So no it would not be OK for her to relive that over and over by the thought of the baby. And how could any of that be explained to the baby as they grow up?

There are thousands of couples hoping to be able to one day adopt. The baby would be loved and cherished and wished for for years by any of those couples so that would be for the best.