AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

There’s no guarantee the child will be adopted.

Are the fathers parents or siblings in a position to step up and take the baby? I think you all need to get together ( the parents of the soon to be parents, and siblings) and talk about this as an extended family.

Also involve social workers because there might be a way that an adoption could be open and you could retain contact with the child. Though I am not sure that your nieces issues would be something that would make this possible, or unfortunately even desirable, for the adopting parents.

But after care proceedings it will be different unless they push to remain as foster carers. The LA won’t want to do that as it gives no permanency for the child.

SGO support can be woeful and getting worse.

No she can't. Nor can adopters. It makes no real difference to social services if the care proceedings end in adoption or special guardianship. Either way the child will be 'off their care list'. So why do you think they would push kinship care for any reason other than it's best for the child?

If the father is known then social care will already be doing this. It doesn’t sound like a situation that would benefit from others getting involved in that!

Do think about your own dc. The logistics of getting them to uni and back, perhaps going to visit them there. It’s a transition time as your relationship changes into mum and young adult. Your younger one will still need lots of input too.

Do you agree that it isn’t always best for the child?

I wouldn’t even consider it op. You are done raising your kids and moving onto your next phase of life. This will bring you right back to square one again, really unfair to do this to your dh too.
what if the baby has significant needs too?
This will be a life long commitment in very significant ways affecting every member of your family.
Sadly this would be a no for me.
Why is she even having this baby when she is incapable of being a parent?

Around 3000 children are adopted from care each year. Around 3700 are considered to have adoption as their best interest but are waiting. They tend to be older, part of a sibling group, black or with disabilities. It's highly likely a healthy white baby would be adopted, less likely if it turns out to be mixed race and disabled.

You really need to know as much as they can tell you about the likely risk of disability. If you dont already know if your niece's problems were birth accident or genetic try to find out, also if anything is known re the father's health.

This.

If you were younger then maybe it’s worth considering but I think you risk raising a child in (what you has described as) very small family unit that could be without support in their early 20’s (or passing care obligations to your children).

The allowance that kinship carers get whilst assessments are underway and care proceedings are ongoing is exactly the same as a local authority foster carer.
once the final special guardianship order has been granted the allowance reduces. But adopters get no allowance.
cost wise, adopters and kinship carers both have assessments, both have allocated social workers, (in fact kinship carers have two, one to assess and one to support/supervise), kinship carers get an allowance which adopters dont. Both go to panel and have the same costs there. During care proceedings the child is fostered regardless of who is fostering them - family, local authority foster carer or potential adopter and the costs are the same regardless. Kinship care isn't cheaper than adoption.

What a difficult situation. It's wonderful you want to help, but don't let social services pressure you into this if it's not right for you. Babies are much easier to.place than older children so there's a good change the baby will find an adoptive home. As others have said, be careful with social services as they will lie through their back teeth about anything and everything if it's at all convenient to them, they will likely lie to you about the support available, and the likelihood of the baby having sen, anything at all, they want to get children off their books as quickly and cheaply possible in my experience and they don't seem to feel any obligation to be truthful or supportive. It's very common as well with adopters or other parents/carers to approach social services for help with their children's additional needs later on and then get threatened and lied about and blamed for their childrens needs. So just make sure you're sure before you commit to anything. Best of luck with whatever you decide.💐

Of course! It depends entirely on the circumstances of each individual child and family. How could anyone make a blanket 'always' statement? On the whole however children have better outcomes in kinship care than in adoption.

The amount paid as a foster payment is the same (at least in all authorities I've worked in) whether they are related or not, the rates are dependent on the level of training the foster carers have done, and kinship carers are expected to do the same training. Though there are a lot of expectations placed upon foster carers which is part of the reason for the payment (eg although local authorities don't usually specify carers can't work, the expectations about not using childcare or being available for meetings etc often limits their ability to work or type of work)

The difference tends to come in for long term care. For a baby (and same if they were a young child, eg primary age) the courts won't usually agree a plan of long term foster care - it's intrusive for the child. They would usually want a permanent option - Special guardianship or Child Arrangements. They don't automatically come with financial support, and in the past the means testing applied for SGO was usually so strict that families received very little. Child arrangements orders don't really have provision for LA financial support. What has improved, (though is still discretionary so can vary across councils) is that more councils have a policy of 'no detriment' where they agree to pay an allowance for special guardians that is matched at the rate they get as foster carers. It is recorded in a legal document so the carers could go back to court and challenge in future if needed. If a CAO were proposed, the court would be questioning why, as to do so would usually leave the family in a more precarious financial position.

It definitely has been the case that SGO carers were left without financial support but that has changed in most areas thankfully (though sadly isn't applied retrospectively) Of course there's still a big gap in meaningful support around the effects of trauma and a big campaign about improving services for adopters and SGO carers eg access to mental health services/family therapy.

As an adopter, I would say let the child be adopted.
Younger parents who really want this child whatever their prognosis will have the energy to battle for the child and be around long into his/her adulthood.

I can't imagine starting again now.

I hope you have had some useful advice from this thread.

I have to ask though, if you and your husband are both mid 50s, does not the very idea of this just make you want to lie down in a dark room and sleep for a week?!

The amazing thing with this situation is that it is a BABY and as others have said, there will be lots of couples wanting to adopt. And adopt into a home where they have the energy and the desire to bring up a child for another 20 years +.

I would say give this chance to others and keep your energy for your own sons.

This is my thoughts too.

It's a nice idea but in practice you'll be at the school gate/parents evening for the next 18 years.

Not something I could commit to.

Okay. Off their 'where on earth are we going to put this baby?' list.

Agree, a baby at your age is hard enough but a baby who may have lots of extra needs could be very difficult

If you were to suddenly get pregnant yourself what would your feelings be?

What were your hopes and plans for your retirement? Where will a baby fit in?

You have to think with your head and not your heart on this one, no-one can really tell you what to do.

There's a strong chance that the baby will also have learning disabilities OP. You are now in your 50's, is this really a sustainable solution for the child? Also your DC might feel pressured to say yes, rather than look like horrible people. You sound like a wonderful person for even considering it. But please think very, very carefully. This will be a huge and constant responsibility until you are in old age yourselves and will impact every aspect of your lives.

It's not a bad thing for SS to have a plan of where the baby will go when it's born? What do you think they should do differently, wait till the baby is here and then argue it out with everyone involved?

I absolutely would not. Not a shred of doubt, no.

It is clear from the OP that she does feel this emotional pressure and huge guilt, I didn't specifically say it came from SS, her DB is putting this pressure on her too.

Of course a placement within the family is one possible solution, but in this case the age of the prospective fosterers makes it much more doubtful. As PPs have pointed out, people are desperate to adopt new norms so from SS's pov that could be a simpler option for them anyway.

Hi op

What a sad situation.

My honest opinion, is that I wouldn’t want parents in their 70’s as a teen. And I wouldn’t want to parent a teen in my 70’s.

Whatever you decide though, I wish you all the best.