AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

[FerretPants]

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with.

My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members.

DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

move in - should read "do this."

The OP has said that they are the only family. Do you know something that the Op doesn't?

Gosh what a hard situation. I have no idea what I would do in that position. Would it be possible that you could foster the baby until she was adopted? Like that would mean that you don't have to be committed to parenting for the next 18 plus years, but would also mean that, hopefully, the baby went to you and then on to a loving forever home. Adopted children are often in loving homes long term with parents who parent them all their lives, it's the fostering and multiple short term placements that tend to go bad.

I think she is suggesting that, as the baby must have a father, there may be family on that side, @godmum56. Though it sounds as if there are good reasons why they can’t/shouldn’t be involved.

How are they going to know that, one way or the other, until much further down the line?

My thoughts are that the baby is the most important person in this situation.

If adopted they have a chance to leave behind the circumstances of their birth and create a new family.

I am very concerned that it seems that you're actively considering going ahead with this.

Just be aware in this meeting that the support offered will be massively oversold.
You should be prepared for the fact that, in reality, no help will be forthcoming.

I could not agree more with this poster. In my professional life I have heard so many blatant lies from other professionals desperate to get a child off their care list.

In your shoes I wouldn’t have any hesitation in saying to SS that the baby should be put up for adoption. There are many families wanting to adopt and this would be in the baby’s best interests long term I believe.

@saraclara the OP presumably wants to make an informed decision. If the child were placed with the OP by SS they are not 'off the care list'.

No. I wouldn't consider it. . Younger than you and I'd be a terrible parent to a very young child. The child deserves parents who will have energy and who will be around into their 30s and 40s.

They might not know who exactly is the father yet.

We had a very sad case years ago where they weren't aware the learning disabled woman was pregnant until labour. I wouldn't be surprised if this was a pregnancy that was only detected recently due to Braxton Hicks pains.

If we look on the bright side you will be in your 70’s before the child is independent, if the child has extra needs then they may never fully be independent and require care, that is a fairly large ask for any family.
Some of your nieces conditions may be hereditary/put a child at more risk of having and if the Father is also in supported living (without wishing to pry) then it would be very sensible to consider how you would be able to cope with additional needs if there were any.
Im in my 40’s, my youngest is 6 but I would be very hesitant to take on the baby in the situation you describe.
Your Brother is not really that much older than you and has decided raising a baby at his age wouldn’t be something he would consider.
Its very emotive because no one want to see a tiny helpless child be without someone, does your niece not have any siblings?

I would just like to say how admirable you and your husband are just for considering this. You both sound like lovely people. It tends to be very special types of people who do things like this and not everybody would be able to do it. I honestly wish you the very best whatever you decide. Would you be able to update us on whatever you decide either way. Good luck OP ❤️

I know what is being suggested.

What do you mean off their care list? The child will still be in local authority care until the end of proceedings and when they are either made subject to a special guardianship order or adopted. While care proceedings are underway kinship carers are assessed, paid and supported just like any other foster carer.

it may be worth considering OP that as your neice has GDD the likelihood is very high that so will this child 40-60% this winter be a child that will be easy to raise or be of to college at 18 you will most likely be caring for this child into your late 70s/80s. I work in sociLcRe and see very old parents late 70s struggling with their adult children that still very much need them. This will be a massive undertaking.
And like someone else said if you take on this child then after a year or so realise it is too much the child will A. be traumatised by being removed and B. Be harder to find adoptive parents due to no longer being a baby.

OP as you've seen most women would not be prepared to do this. It is possible that the child would remain in foster care but unless they have significant difficulties then they are likely to be adopted by younger people who desperately want a child. I wouldnt trust any commitment social services made re support for you unless in writing and even then they'd probably go back on it later. If you do this you are going to have to do it assuming you will get no support.

If the child is adopted then I really think it would be in their best interests not to have contact with their mother. It would probably distress both mother and child. As an adult they would be able to make contact if they wished.

You could ask if it would be possible to be an "aunty" figure in the child's life if adopted.

yup. I have known this too. There may also be reasons why the identity of the father is never known.

it may be worth considering OP that as your neice has GDD the likelihood is very high that so will this child 40-60% this will not be a child that will be easy to raise or be of to college at 18 you will most likely be caring for this child into your late 70s/80s. I work in social care and see very old parents ( late 70s )struggling with their adult children that still very much need them. This will be a massive undertaking.
And like someone else said if you take on this child then after a year or so realise it is too much the child will A. be traumatised by being removed and B. Be harder to find adoptive parents due to no longer being a baby.

"while care proceedings are underway" being the key phrase there.

OP would be gravely mistaken if she thought she could rely on actual, long term help.

I was thinking the same. It might be that the adoptive parents are happy to maintain links as it doesn’t sound like there is risk. So you could potentially stay involved as extended family in some way if things go well. No guarantees. I’m early 50s and there is no way I’d do this. I’m knackered and wouldn’t do the best job for the child. Even if you can’t maintain contact you can write a letter for them in the future to be held in file to explain your reasons and that it wasn’t a lack of love.

What a nightmare

It would be a no from me. I’m very much at the parenting coal face with toddler twins and when they are older then there is zero chance of me going back to the nappies stage. I don’t see why the spot light is on you so much, your brother is the grandfather of the baby. But it’s the classic nearest female thing

I wouldn’t be trusting social services. As most likely stuff will be alluded to and pushed but won’t actually materialize when the chips are down with the baby / child

I know of two people who took in family DC who'd been taken from their parents, both of them received financial help to raise them which was less than would have been paid to foster parents who weren't related. If this is now different then I'm sorry if I was wrong

Contact with birth parents can be positive if managed well and no risks.