Page 11 | AIBU to hesitate about caring for my niece’s baby?

FerretPants · 2026-03-17T13:32:32+00:00

I have name changed for this. For legal reasons I can't discuss how the baby was conceived - needless to say that that side of things is currently being dealt with. My niece has Global developmental delay, severe learning disabilities and is believed to be on the autism spectrum. She lives in a residential setting with staff present 24/7. Her father (my brother) takes care of all her affairs. Her mother died several years ago. She was there only child and there is few other family members. DN is pregnant and due to give birth in the next few weeks. She isn't going to be capable of looking after a baby even with intense support. Social services have carried out an assessment and confirmed this. So the question has turned up what will happen to the baby when it's born. DB is now in his mid 60's and has said he feels he is too old to care for the baby full time. So myself and DH have been approached by social services - we have two DS's of our own aged 14 and 18 - the 18 year old is due to move to University in the Autumn. We have a spare bedroom (it's a box room but would be fine for a nursery) so that wouldn't be an issue. DH (I haven't told our sons yet - they rarely see her and don't know she's pregnant) is keen to explore the idea further. But I'm having doubts. We are both in our mid 50's and I feel like I'm past the nappies and bottles stage now... But at the same time this baby is family (as is my niece) and I feel like we should help if we can. If we say no the most likely scenario is foster care and then adoption. We have a meeting with social services next week, so we really need to decide one way or the other by then. I'm torn

HMW19061 · 17/03/2026 17:23

I honestly don’t think it would be the best option for the child.

You would presumably be in your 70s by the time the child hits 18. They could ultimately be parentless by the time they are in their 20. Probably with limited family support as your children are unlikely to have a close relationship with them due to the age difference.

Let the child have a chance at being adopted.

godmum56 · 17/03/2026 17:23

Ilovelifeverymuch · 17/03/2026 16:04

How did she get pregnant if she has staff around her 24/7? Is the father also disabled?

I don't think you DB gets to just say he is too old and put the responsibility to you. And I would also be very reluctant to accept the responsibility especially given if the father is also disabled there's a huge chance the child will also be disabled.

What conversations took place earlier in the pregnancy when there were more options rather than waiting until she's a few weeks away from giving birth?

Edited

none of this is relevant to the OP's question

Ilovelifeverymuch · 17/03/2026 17:24

DotAndCarryOne2 · 17/03/2026 16:18

Where does OP say the parents have learning disabilities ?

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We know for a fact that at least one parent has severe disabilities.....

Janey90 · 17/03/2026 17:24

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 17:18

Thanks for the replies and comments. It's such a huge commitment (like many have pointed out) that I think I need more time than next week to consider it. Having spoken to DH again today, I think the current plan is to go to the meeting with SS next week (we aren't committing or saying yes at this stage) and find out what support would be available as a kinship carer if we were to proceed.

I'm also going to suggest that myself and DH sit down with our sons tonight and explain what's happening. It's going to be a shock for them, but they need to know, and have a say if there's a chance this baby will be coming to live with us.

For those that have asked - DN knows that she is having a baby and that she won't be able to look after it when it's born. It would be nice if they could have some contact as the baby grows up (even if it was just photos) but we'll have to see

If you’re going to discuss it with your sons, you sound more keen than I thought?

Original poster

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 17:24

Tableforjoan · 17/03/2026 17:19

Also yes how does someone who cannot consent to sex consent to an abortion anyway.

By the time you dragged the issues though court likely deemed too far along again.

If the sperm donor is not a resident regardless of his character there may be family on his side who could adopt the baby or raise it on his behalf if he gets a couple of years inside.

If the donor is a resident again his family could also be an option.

It’s surely unlikely to be op only when someone shared this dna to get the poor lass pregnancy.

I have already stated in my op that I cannot discuss the circumstances around the baby's conception.
That isn't the point anyway - the point is that baby is arriving in a couple of weeks and we/social services need to decide what's going to happen to him or her

OP posts:

Birdsongisangry · 17/03/2026 17:24

OP the thing I would keep in mind when meeting SS and talking about support is asking about short term Vs long term
For example kinship fostering arrangements come with a fostering social worker + fostering payments. But a court wouldn't usually agree to a baby being fostered long term, and SS are expected to have an end point in their involvement - which means support at 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs looks very different, and can vary across different local authorities.

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 17:25

TonTonMacoute · 17/03/2026 16:00

Oh OP, what a terrible dilemma and an awful decision to have to take.

Ypu are basically being emotionally blackmailed into taking on this little one, and while it may be tremendously rewarding in the long run it will be an enormous responsibility as well.

It is not someone to be taken lightly, and to fail at it would be worse than saying no from the outset.

Where do you see the emotional blackmail?

harmonihumm · 17/03/2026 17:25

jaynelou5 · 17/03/2026 13:39

What are the chances of the baby also having severe learning difficulties as it sounds like both parents have? Very tricky situation.

This.

Honestly, no I wouldn’t do it. It will be for the rest of your life.

Mnetcurious · 17/03/2026 17:28

We’re just getting to the end of the teen years, late 40s/early50s and there’s absolutely no way I’d go back to looking after a baby (then a toddler etc) even in your difficult circumstances.

There are childless couples who desperately want to adopt a baby.

Hollowvoice · 17/03/2026 17:28

This is a really tough situation. In your shoes I would want to do whatever I could to help but realistically I could not take on a newborn now and I'm a few years younger than you.

Birdsongisangry · 17/03/2026 17:28

I just want to comment also that many posters are assuming the child will have complex needs and that is far from guaranteed. The difficulty of course is that it's unlikely anyone would know until the child is older. But there are certainly children born to parents with varying levels of learning disability who have no additional needs (sadly in some cases leading to neglect and parentification, as the child is more cognitively capable than the parent)

Ileithyia · 17/03/2026 17:29

You don’t need to decide immediately, you could wait until after the baby is born and assess the situation then. I thought the same as @jaynelou5, if the father is a fellow resident at the care facility it’s very possible the baby will also have significant additional needs. Do you want to be caring for a child, then adult, with all the extra stress that this kind of disability involves?

It would be a hard no, from me.

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 17:29

tartyflette · 17/03/2026 16:14

I also think it may be a little naive to say there won’t be any pressure on the OP to agree to caring for the child. It probably would not be voiced as such, or even openly but there may be comments like,
“Of course, it's often best for baby to be cared for by the family… and then baby will also be able to have a relationship with its grandfather, (your DB) too….”
Please don't feel guilty if you decide against.

No, we don't pressure family members to care for children if they aren't completely sure: that would be counter productive since they would then probably fail their assessment or fail at foster panel and the child would have to be moved anyway. Not sure why people think kinship care is some kind of easy or cheap option. It's not.

godmum56 · 17/03/2026 17:29

Diddledaddle · 17/03/2026 17:13

It is unfortunately deemed as against human rights to do this now. Which, in my opinion, is a real shame because someone with severe learning difficulties could decide to have sex (and yes, people with learning difficulties do sometimes want to interact with the opposite sex in a romantic way) and they potentially wouldn’t be able to understand the implications of the situation. They also cannot have an abortion if they don’t have the capacity to make that decision for themselves and so would be going through a pregnancy and birth which would be EXTREMELY traumatic to someone who simply cannot fully grasp the understanding of what is happening to them and then would have to have their baby taken away from them, adding even more trauma. THAT seems more against human rights than to sterilise someone who would never be capable enough to keep their own baby should they ever get pregnant.

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Actually that is not entirely true. Decisions have to be taken according to what is in the person's best interests. Sometimes that is sterilisation, sometimes that is other birth control, sometimes its no action. Same with termination.

godmum56 · 17/03/2026 17:32

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 17:18

Thanks for the replies and comments. It's such a huge commitment (like many have pointed out) that I think I need more time than next week to consider it. Having spoken to DH again today, I think the current plan is to go to the meeting with SS next week (we aren't committing or saying yes at this stage) and find out what support would be available as a kinship carer if we were to proceed.

I'm also going to suggest that myself and DH sit down with our sons tonight and explain what's happening. It's going to be a shock for them, but they need to know, and have a say if there's a chance this baby will be coming to live with us.

For those that have asked - DN knows that she is having a baby and that she won't be able to look after it when it's born. It would be nice if they could have some contact as the baby grows up (even if it was just photos) but we'll have to see

that sounds very measured and sensible OP. I wish you and your family as happy an outcome as is possible.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/03/2026 17:33

Bagsintheboot · 17/03/2026 17:20

Just be aware in this meeting that the support offered will be massively oversold.

You should be prepared for the fact that, in reality, no help will be forthcoming.

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This.

NorthXNorthWest · 17/03/2026 17:33

Janey90 · 17/03/2026 17:24

If you’re going to discuss it with your sons, you sound more keen than I thought?

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This is a family situation, it is reasonable to discuss it with the OPs children even if the child is put up for adoption. Transparency in families is healthy.

Tableforjoan · 17/03/2026 17:34

FerretPants · 17/03/2026 17:24

I have already stated in my op that I cannot discuss the circumstances around the baby's conception.
That isn't the point anyway - the point is that baby is arriving in a couple of weeks and we/social services need to decide what's going to happen to him or her

Show quote history

Oh I know you cannot op.

Im just saying surely you and your brother are not the only living family of this about to be born baby. There are more options.

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 17:34

TheDevilFindsWorkForIdleMums · 17/03/2026 16:46

Op the only reason SS are badgering you to take on this baby is because they know there's an extremely high chance this baby is going to have additional needs 😬

Raising a baby at your age is one thing, raising a child with needs similar to your niece is another thing entirely.

A) they aren't badgering b) the reason they are asking is because they are legally obligated to c) do you think kinship carers don't have full assessments or are less likely to breakdown than adoptions? Why would you think that?

Birdsongisangry · 17/03/2026 17:35

Ileithyia · 17/03/2026 17:29

You don’t need to decide immediately, you could wait until after the baby is born and assess the situation then. I thought the same as @jaynelou5, if the father is a fellow resident at the care facility it’s very possible the baby will also have significant additional needs. Do you want to be caring for a child, then adult, with all the extra stress that this kind of disability involves?

It would be a hard no, from me.

If the OP wants to avoid the child going to foster carers they'd need to decide imminently as SS would need to make plans around this. If the OP doesn't want to foster but wants to be considered for long term care SS will need to know to start the assessment process, that decision will be time limited. It's not in the best interests of the child to wait indefinitely until extended family members may or may not be ready.

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 17:36

Daleksatemyshed · 17/03/2026 17:14

Be wary of pressure from the SS Op, it's much easier and cheaper for them to arrange a kinship carer so only agree to this if it's what you really want. A newborn baby will be much more likely to find adoptive parents than older DC, this isn't necessarily a choice between you or a care home.
However this happened to your DGN I hope she will get some justice, it's a disgrace that this was allowed to happen to her

Edited

It's really not easier or cheaper for a child to go to kinship care than fostering/adoption. Why do you think it is?

RoseField1 · 17/03/2026 17:37

HelloDaisy · 17/03/2026 17:19

What a tough situation. Could you offer to foster the baby until adoption is arranged? Would that work?

I am in my 50s now and not sure I’d want to go back to full time babies, primary school etc..
Plus the impact it would have on your own children.

What would be the point of this? So OP and her DH get attached to the baby and have an even harder decision to make in the future? And the baby gets adopted anyway?

JumpLeadsForTwo · 17/03/2026 17:38

There’s the possibility that adoptive parents would consider ‘open’ adoption ie a level of contact with your DN/ your family, possibly once or twice a year. It’s more likely if there is very little risk, depending on whether the father poses any risk, but it sounds like your DN wouldn’t. May be a very difficult conversation with the child when they are able to understand about the pregnancy circumstances, so either you or adopted parents may need some support around that. You do have to consider that the child may have similar needs to your DN so make sure that is part of the conversation with social care

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 17/03/2026 17:42

That is what I was going to say, @JumpLeadsForTwo.

@FerretPants - this is a really difficult situation, but I honestly think it would be in the baby’s best interests to be adopted. I am a bit older than you but even 10 years ago, I would have struggled massively with caring for a new born baby, then a toddler and so on.

Mischance · 17/03/2026 17:43

If you do consider taking this on you need to PIN DOWN Social Services about the sort of support that might be on offer. Changing nappies and feeding a baby are a world away from dealing with the questions and insecurities that this child will have as he/she grows into childhood and becomes a teenager.

SSD are very good at ticking a box and moving on when in fact they should be right there offering on-going support. They move in even with adopted children - baby placed, box ticked! - I have seen the results of this ......

Also you need detailed information about the possible heritability of your niece's problems and those of the biological father if known.

Unless you are really committed to this then do not take it on. You have other children to consider and need also to factor in a lack of support, which will be the reality. There will be prospective adopters out there who are desperate for a baby, for whom this is their one aim in life. Presumably if you had felt that way you would have put yourselves forward at some point during the pregnancy rather than waiting to be approached by SSD.