To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

He's stressed? What's he's stressed from?
How does he think the bills are being paid?

My mum is cleaning our house
What did I just read?? Your dh is at home doing nothing and your mum is coming over to clean your house??
YABU letting your mum do this. He should be cleaning. Why are you putting up with this lazy fucker OP? How can he not just die of embarrassment having your mum over.

He needs to work straight away so that he can pay someone to clean or get off his bum and do it himself.

That sounds like a very small extension. The kind my own DH would build on evenings and weekends around running his business, his share of household tasks and childcare.

Once DC are at school most SAHP's manage 100% of household duties, childcare and project management. I'd be asking your husband why he is not as capable as other adults? I'd be telling him that the lack of capability is damaging the attraction.

I would refuse to drag my Mum into this. If you want to be married to a lazy fucker that has no respect that is your business but you shouldn't be allowing him to disrespect your Mum like this.

Why on earth is your mum cleaning your house? He needs to step up his game.

Bloody hell - your mum is cleaning your house.
Tell him to fuck off to his own mothers.

What is he actually bringing to this relationship? Surely the bits of the extension he can do himself can't take that much time. Also, everyone I know who had an extension had it done in less than 6 months, including someone who had to have bits redone due to their builder's incompetence. What is taking so long? I'm assuming that if he can do school drop offs his vision problem isn't so bad that it would actually impact housework.
For comparison, I do 80% of the house work, but I work part time from home and have school age children. DH helps with the bits that don't fit into my two non working days.

He is managing the building works?!

Surely you have a contractor handling that.

It sounds like it's almost finished anyway if he's painting.

What else is he doing?

He sounds disorganised and completely shit.

I would be writing him out a HUGE list of to-do tasks and the first item would be 1. APPLY FOR JOBS.

He has two options really.
Get a fucking grip.
Get a fucking job.
He can either do majority housework (like… 90%) and all child pick-ups.
Or he can get a fucking job.
Sorry but is he really sat at home on his arse or… painting? How many walls do you have?
He’s not even a SAHD, the kids are in school/childcare.
Your Mum’s cleaning your house… WHILE HE IS IN IT? Your poor Mum must think what the hell has my daughter married.

I’d sit him down and say, you either get a job now, or do all housework during the week/child pick-ups etc.
Wanker.

What the actually hell?!?! He’s a lazy, useless, good-for-nothing! Your mum stops doing your housework now, and he needs to get off his lazy backside and start pulling his weight. He’s an absolute piss-taker and you’re letting him get away with it by getting your mum to do your dh’s jobs. Why is your mum even agreeing to this BS arrangement?

God, how is he not embarrassed about your mum coming in to do the cleaning and washing?
As for the cooking, what happens when he asks you what he's making? What would happen if you didn't get the ingredients?
He 'doesn't have the headspace to look for a job because of the extension? What a diva.
He needs a serious kick up the arse.

He’s stressed?? Not you, him?

Honestly, in my next life, I hope to come back as a man.

It’s amazing isn’t it how these men don’t get themselves unemployed when there’s a toddler or baby in nursery but only when there’s school age kids so they’re sorted for free 9-3 every day!

No way should you or your mum do any pic ups if he’s not actually working. And as for cleaning your house - well your mum is a saint.

Ha ha yes this! I’ve never known a man to get into the situation where they’re the breadwinner and also doing 80% of the household chores and then some of the pic ups!

Omg tell your mum to stop doing cleaning jobs!
Why on earth is she even doing pick ups?
This is all your DH’s responsibility.

If this isn't going to be one of those plopper posts, then my question to you OP is obviously, why have you been living like this all these years?

Your Mum needs to stop
doing any of it. From right now he needs to be doing all the pick ups (unless you enjoy still doing one) and all the cleaning. As an absolute minimum.

90% of the housework should be getting done by him, bar things like the immediate stuff on weekends that everyone should pitch in with.

Honestly, if a mother was “just” looking after school age children, doing the housework and supervising builders, she’d be told what an easy life she has, and how she should be back at work once the children are at school.

WTAF is he even doing???

I'd split the shared responsibilities (housework, childcare, yard work/gardening, DIY, managing of social life, etc.) 50/50 and then tweak that based on the outside responsibilities each of you already have (job, commute, classes if applicable, extended family obligations if applicable). In the end, you should each have roughly the same amount of free time to do whatever you want. RE your mother's involvement, I'd try to determine how much she GENUINELY WANTS to do what she's doing vs how much she feels you need the help. She may genuinely want to spend time with her grandchildren and that's fine, but make sure she's not doing more than she wants out of obligation.

My DH was made redundant just before Christmas, though put on gardening leave for his notice period so continued to earn. As well as spending as much time as needed to look for new jobs in his field, he has taken over domestic stuff entirely as I work full time. He also helps my parents out when I would normally do so, and has continued to pay his share of our costs from his savings. He also has a short, medium and long term plan for widening his job search if something in his field doesn’t come up in a short space of time. I haven’t had to ask, beg, coerce or manage any of this - we’re a partnership, so interchangeable. I’d be mad as hell in your situation, and my mum would have something to say if he expected her to clean his house when he’s at home all day.

This useless manchild is taking you and your mum for mugs

What I genuinely don't understand is how women get into a position where they have to ask whether they are being unreasonable. I'd have lost my shit by the end of the first week and probably ended the relationship by now. Yes, your DH is a total dickhead, but where is your self-respect? And your poor mum - is she cleaning your husband's skidmarks off the toilet or do you have to do that?

What a comment, he can still be stressed. I mean, he needs a kick in the arse, the lazy sod, but he can still have stresses.

I also assume his redundancy money has been used to keep afloat, or does that not count?

What on earth have I just read?? Your Mum is doing the housework when your dh is at home, unemployed??! 😳😳😳😳

Here's my perspective (I'm Male). If my partner was working fulltime and I wasn't working, she would barely have to lift a finger outside of work. I would see running and maintaining the house as more or less MY fulltime job until I managed to find work. If anything, this would make me feel at least that I was useful in some way alongside making my partners life a lot easier. Anything less than this is lazy and selfish in my opinion.

May this love never find me.

This is shocking and any grown up person with any pride in themselves wouldn't accept it.

He clearly thinks it's fine for women to do all the shitwork.

I'd leave him so fast his head would spin.