To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

For the love of God. I project managed an extension at home while running a business (a more than full time job), raising a child and doing half the housework.

There are so many weak, pathetic, low-energy and uncapable men out there. It is a deeply unattractive quality. How long ago did your fanny clam up?

Sit him down.

Tell him it is not acceptable.

Cancel your mum. Tell him to share the load proportionally based on work commitments.

Tell him if it doesnt change your done.

In terms of what would I do.

id divorce. Without a shadow of a doubt.

even if it meant moving in with my mum. (Who would want me to in this situation). Even if it meant downsizing.

I mean in theory you could try the things posters have detailed up thread, lists and proper chats, but for me, those are little things that don’t address the actual problem.

And that’s that he doesn’t give a shiny shit about you, his kids, or anyone other than himself. Otherwise he’d be doing all this himself instead of watching you exhaust yourself doing it. He wouldn’t need a lust or a talking to, because he’s very doing it. He would be taking his 9 year old out to get some exercise rather than going in the bath if he gave a shit.

id be covertly doing all the sums, to wok out what id need to do to get myself and my children away from this man.

i would never be able to show physical intimacy or affection towards someone as pathetic and lazy as this.

Just read the comment about going in the bath/ignoring kids when he picks them up etc

This man does not care for you or your children. Id rather move in with my mum who clearly is worried about you, than put up with his selfish shi*e another day. He cares more about his office/gym than his family.

Echoed from another reply, surely you are repulsed by him and cannot stand to be in the same room as him, let alone the same bed

The quick, easy answer is that each partner should do the same, so if one works outside the home, the other does more in it.
There's exceptions, like if one is ill/has a disability. It sounds like he is really struggling-get him to a GP and arrange some mental health support. If the situation were reversed, he should do this too-we have all heard the story of the new mum who did nothing round the house, and it turned out she had PND.
As for not knowing how to do something (housework/childcare etc), a lot of partners spilt things eg I run all the financial stuff, my husband does all the tech set up etc, because it's easier for each to take specific roles, so as long as either the mum or dad is willing to do those chores, fair enough. Men are often discouraged from doing "women's" work-scarily some people think it's weird that men would want to work in childcare or cleaning, so while I disagree with sexism, it's a fact more women are brought up to do certain tasks.

Redundancy/getting fired is recognised as one of life's top ten stressors

I know you’ve spoken to him about his lack of job and housework, but have you told him that it’s damaging your marriage? Does he understand that you’re thinking about divorce? I think it’s time for him to hear it.

Absolutely... but instead of doing anything about it he's fucking refusing to work and outting all the pressure on his wife and her mother.

Don't care how stressed you think you are... you provide for your children. If he can paint a wall, he can put washing out to dry.... there's literally no excuse. He wasn't made redundant last week or month, he's closer to a year redundant. He's apparently well able to "project manage" a small extension for an office... but can't look after his own self sufficient child for a few hours instead needs a bath.

He's an ignorant lazy asshole, who happened to be made redundant quite a while ago.

Another completely useless man who’s managed to get the women in his life do everything for him

i actually sort of admire these guys as i would love to know how they get fully functioning grown up women to basically do everything for them when they aren’t working or pulling their weight

It’s like some sort of magic cult

OP I feel for you. And some of the replies here won't be easy reading

Impossible for us to know whether your husband is struggling to cope with redundancy or lazy / inconsiderate / disrespectful

If you said to him "I'm not sure I can continue like this. I'm thinking of ending the relationship", how would he react? You have control over your own destiny here

You are the first woman in quite some time I have seen describe a normal marriage on here.

good luck to your hubby on his job search

He should be doing 100% of the life admin and housework. He might find getting a job is easier …

This building project was mid-way last July and is still going on??? Is he also slow on managing it?
Firstly, he has procrastination issues. The job search may be the same (procrastination) or perhaps a lack of confidence?
the inability to see what needs to be done at home is a massive issue. As is his lack of engagement with your kids and deliberate disappearance to the bath.

i expect trying to talk to him won’t work as he will firstly try all the excuses and then get defensive when excuses don’t work.

i think he has executive functioning issues, personally.

OP
I do know what you mean about your mum
my mum was the same
she would drop my son off from school and then start cleaning / doing the dishes hovering

I never asked and she knew she didn’t need to do it but she liked to do it and feel helpful
plus she was spending time were her grandson who she absolutely adored

so I know what you mean about your mum just being the kind of person who just cleans

No, what you said was exactly that. - Edit.

You boiled his entire situation down to “bills are being paid, so what’s he stressed about?

I’ve said he sounds lazy, but people can be stressed and lazy at the same time; the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

And instead of just owning that maybe you phrased it badly, you’ve jumped straight to “you lack comprehension,” which is ironic.

I sympathise, my DP had no job for about two years and did nothing. I would get in from work and he would say what's for dinner. I tried hints, I even convinced myself he was depressed but I realised he was actually monumentally lazy. Just an idle waste of space. So I told him I was leaving him if it didn't improve and then gave him a list and now if the list isn't completed I'm on at him. Strangely he got a job.

Ffs.. I DIDN'T SAY THE BILLS ARE PAID

Leant to read or fuck off trying to start arguments

In my house if one of us isn't working we're responsible for all of the housework and cooking. Neither of us are scruffs or take the piss, and both tidy up after ourselves, so the housework isn't overly onerous.

I’d stop doing his washing and when he complains I’d tell him he has every day to do the housework as he’s unemployed but he can’t be bothered so why should you bother doing anything for him. Tell him you are treating him as he treats you

Wow
there are some seriously awful people commenting on this post. I know full well that not every single one of you has a supportive husband. I hazard a guess not even half of you have been unkind have a husband who does his fair share!

OP
lay it out to him. He needs to step up
his search by searching / reaching out / networking every single day and then a vast amount of house work needs to also be done.
Can your mum take the kids to hers so shes not tempted to help out?

What a useless, lazy fucker. He can’t even parent.

Why is being married to him preferable to not?

He usually says I put too much in so it's overwhelming. Or because there's still washing on the drying rack.

@AnonymousMama87 As excuses go, this is pathetic.

You ask for suggestions about how to deal with it. The answer is you have to be a LOT stronger.

If he makes excuses like the above then you ask him "what, are you 12?". Tell him he needs to do it NOW.
If he says he'll hang the washing out , but doesn't do it, then go get the (wet) washing out of the machine and dump it on him.

His life is too comfortable. You and your mum are enabling his lazy behaviour, and you need to stop. Make his life unpleasant. If he's gaming when you get home and nothing is done, then (accidentally) turn the router off.

Stop running yourself ragged trying to do everything and KEEP asking him to pull his weight. KEEP telling him that you can't continue to work full time AND run the house as well.

Don't think that saying it once is enough. If he accuses you of nagging tell him you are going to keep asking until he pulls his weight. Ask him what he is going to do when you have a breakdown due to exhaustion.

Basically, you need to make it so that his life is easier and more pleasant if he does the jobs you want him to do.

Yes this is extreme, and might lead to the marriage breaking down. But tbh, the alternative is to keep going as you are until YOU break down yourself.

Yeah that's why all this 'but women can be the same, too' stuff that turns up when we're talking about cocklodgers gets my goat.
Let's be honest here, if a woman doesn't have a job she usually does ALL the housework.
The man usually comes home to a reasonably tidy house with no chores to do.
It's really f*ing rare for a man to work full-time AND. do all the housework on top
(with the exception of his wife being sick or disabled in some way which I do appreciate is different) cause his wife got up at midday and pissed her time away gaming in her pj's.

Is he not embarrassed that his (presumably relatively elderly) mother in law is cleaning his house whilst he sits about!?!
I think you need a "serious chat" to agree how he's spending his time, not in a minute-by-minute way but an agreement of how much time he dedicates to job hunting, housework etc. If he becomes responsible for cooking, I'd make sure that includes an online shop and meal planning - he can easily take over all that without needing to drive. Give him whole jobs and then absolutely refuse (and ensure your mother refuses) to have anything to do with the job. So if he doesn't sort out a meal plan and buy ingredients, then he's not eating because you're not fixing it for him. If he doesn't hang the washing out, then immediately don't wash/hang any of his stuff - you can't financially support and emotionally/domestically support him too. At this point, what benefit/joy/support is he actually bringing to your life, it's you and your mum between you that seem to care for the kids, house and finances.