To expect DH to do more of the housework if he's unemployed and I'm working full time?

[AnonymousMama87]

DH was made redundant last July. He was given 6 months pay and we were midway through having an extension built (which he wanted, for his office/gym and which I had been clear I didn't think was needed). His parents gave him the money for the extension. He has not even looked for work yet and it's now March. I have upped my hours from 30-37.5 and I commute 45-60 minutes each way. He does school runs in the morning, plus 2 pick ups (I do Friday as do condensed hours and my mum does the other pick ups). My mum is cleaning our house, spreading the washing etc on the days she picks up. I don't think this is fair on her. I'm also doing 80% of the housework. He has never cleaned a toilet for example, he has cleaned the bathroom floor on one occasion and he had to ring me and ask how. If I put washing on He says he'll try to hang it but usually "doesn't have time". He is managing the building works, doing bits himself like painting, and cooks on most of my work nights but will ask me what he's making, and expect me to get the ingredients etc. He does have a visual impairment which means he can't drive.

I'm getting so fed up, I also want him to get a job now as the redundancy money has run out and I'm getting stressed but he says he can't look until the office is finished as he doesn't have the headspace.

He's obviously struggling with all the stress.

Am I being unfair to insist he does more now I've upped my hours?

Don't admire them.
I know a guy like this. Lived with his mother, never worked. She spoilt him rotten but when he got into his thirties even she had enough.

He was good-looking and had a certain charm so he persuaded a very capable single mum to take on another child i. e. him.

When he got to his forties he got fatter and started looking rough, the woman finally wised up, the rose-tinted specs came off and his magnificent c*ck was no longer enough.

He's now in his fifties and nobody's taking care of him. Just bums about all day in his filthy flat courtesy of the taxpayer.
In most cases, eventually you get what you give.

Yes exactly @QuintadosMalvados. It’s just not comparable to say women do the same. Yes there are SAHMs to older primary kids but they’ve done the hard yards as babies and toddlers and then normally do all the housework and kid stuff too!

How does this not give you the ick massively? My vagina would dry up instantly.

If he gets over whelmed by a full wash load, that’s pretty extreme! What’s he stressed by? It sounds a small extension, he’s literally got all the time in the world. Is he likely depressed?

Have you tried to discuss when he plans on going back to work and putting timelines in place to complete the extension work? Maybe set weekly targets on things he needs to achieve to move it along and so you’ve an idea of what he’s doing all day?

I would send him packing.

Seriously what are you getting from the partnership that a meal delivery service couldn't provide?

Could you talk to his parents and explain you are exhausted and would they have a chat with him. If not maybe give him a list each morning when leaving. I understand it is not that easy to up and leave but please seek help.

He needs to get a job or get out

How bad is the visual impairment, and is it something he has always had?

You should look into PIP benefit, which is not means tested. He may well be eligible for this.

Also contact the low vision service in your area, they can make suggestions about adaptations to the house and advise on what may help with the vision loss.

He may be lacking confidence having been made redundant. Its not as easy to look for work when you have a vision impairments. Especially if it is a recent change.

Its shit for you, so both of you need to look at ways to manage it. If he is eligible for PIP, he can use some of it to pay a cleaner.

Look at menu planning and having the shopping list saved to online shopping. Reading the instructions on the packaging, labelling, lighting, having to manage in the shop may be too difficult.

Maybe he is being a lazy fucker, but it may also be bevause he is having difficulties/loss of confidence/low mood.

You married a dud OP. I'd give him ultimatum get a job or do the housework. I'd not have my Mum doing it all when he's home doing nothing. How can you have any respect for him?

He might be depressed but sadly, even with a hit to his mental health, he can’t opt out of life. The average house doesn’t need that much cleaning so lower your standards a little while asking him to up his game.

He can't hang washing because the load is big and there was dry washing already on the rack???

In future whenever I read a "men aren't that bad" thread, I'm going to link back to this one.

I remember a phase where DH was very much in this mindset of thinking his life was hard and therefore he got to just opt out of things. It's not his usual approach to things but I can't remember exactly but at some point, yet again, he was opting out with the "I'm too stressed and overwhelmed" excuse and I snapped that I guess that means I'll just get on with it all, as usua,, wnd who cares how stressed and overwhelmed I am.

It did snap him out of it.

But then, he's intrinsicaly a good person who has tended to find it easy to slot into the assumption that he doesn't have to do things because he's a man, but then, when he stops to think about it, realises what a dickish attitude that is. And then changes.

You inherited another child

It would be more unfair of you to allow resentment to build up.

It's not new but it is progressive. Relatively slow moving thankfully. He can see to read and use a computer, he does both regularly without issue. It is harder for him to navigate in low lighting, he has difficulty peripheral vision and judging depth. He had to give up driving 8 years ago now.
You have a point about looking into PIP and seeking advice.

Your mum needs to take the kids back to her house so she doesn’t see the mess. You are both enabling him to be useless. He won’t change when the building work is done.

I imagine he has lost his confidence to re-enter the job market. Can he set up as self employed? IT skills could be in demand.

are you content for you to show your children this is how men and women behave in relationships.

leaving may be the nuclear option but you wouldn’t have an extra man child at home.

are you able to get a job closer to home? What about you work one day from home a week? I would also set up a camera to see WTAF he is doing all day.

you will burn out and the family will bear the brunt.

it’s your house and your mum needs to stop.

this man also managed to work for his job and not forget things but then doesn’t do the washing. Tel him to meal plan next week and order an online shop to come.

He should be doing ALL the housework.

So I’m guessing he has some sort of retinitis pigmentosa?
despite this as you say it’s slow developing and clearly doesn’t impact on immediate vision as he can use computer easily.
Things won’t change unless you change them. If he’s not contributing then where does this stop. He clearly is happy to let everyone else pick up the slack. What is he too busy doing that he can’t hang washing? Is he going out elsewhere?

I don't think there is a solution here other than to leave. He's a shit husband and a shit dad, and clearly not behaving in a loving way to either you or the dc.

You don't want your dc growing up thinking this is what a relationship looks like.

At 12 an 9 your DC can start doing some tasks, definitely hanging out the washing they can do, (is that what spreading the washing means? It i assume a colloquial phrase that I haven't heard before) and putting a wash on of it has been sorted. Yes you will need to check on them but do able. That might help.
A menu plan done whenever you do or order the shopping will avoid the nightly what's for tea conversation and DH since he is the one that does the cooking can do that, and a supermarket delivery to go with it?
Screens and gaming come with the territory, making a mess shouldn't so they need to start being responsible for that.
And maybe your mum likes that she is helpful to you and really doesn't mind a bit of tidying because she knows it makes a difference to you?
This won't solve the problems but might help. (I also have a DH who will do almost anything to avoid cleaning a bathroom. I have wondered what state it would get into before he actually cleaned it and have never been able to let it get that bad, which he knows so there is no need for him to do it)

Christ, it's in print above. I'll not quote it again. I'm not that condescending. I even said, 3 quotes back, let's agree to disagree to not derail the thread, but you had to have the last word. In fact, you can reply here again, and I'll admit defeat and publicly say now, you were correct. Or perhaps take some of your own advice.

He needs a severe boot up the arse. How mortifying to get your mum to help out when he's sat at home doing fuck all pretending to be Sarah Beeny. I think you already knew the answer to your own question.

Leaving may be huge OP, but if you're prepared to stay regardless then you need to recognise that you're effectively signing his permission slip to continue to behave like this. There are no consequences for his behaviour. He contributes nothing and continues to have everything done for him, why would he change? (I mean, being a decent person is why someone would change once this behaviour was highlighted, but he's clearly not that because he doesn't make any effort)

Well I've sat him down and said we need a list of what needs doing each week and while he's not working he needs to do more of it. We are all going to write down what meals we like and ingredients and he agreed to being in charge of meal planning and online shopping from now on, and cook Monday - Thursday. I'm still thinking about the cleaning, as I am concerned it'll just be another thing to nag about which ends up mine to manage. I want the kids to do more but they take so much time to direct that he won't do, he'll give up and say they're lazy and I shouldn't do it for them or they'll never learn, but then he doesn't do it or show them how so eventually I have to do it.

I did mention that I was burnt out and that if things don't change then I'd be considering divorce.. and he said "don't threaten me, threats don't work. I don't negotiate with terrorists" so I don't think that helped!

"It's not a threat, it's a promise"